the time I went to the bathroom to pee

There was a moment when I went to the bathroom to pee. 

My dress was my mother's old bridesmaid dress. A black two-piece. With shoulder cut-offs and a somewhat pencil-like skirt. My hips were wider for some reason, so I had so slowly hold my urge to go to the bathroom, shimmying the fabric so it doesn't rip. 

The blue walls of my parents bathroom watched me take multiple selfies that day. Full face of makeup, black stiletto nails, and backance freckles. Snap was eating it up too. 

My mom forgot the flower bracelet, the thing that the date gives you when you initially meet. I don't know if it matches the handkerchief in his pocket. I assume so.

When I got back home, mouth chapped, my fingers reaching for the water I saw the red rose in the corner of my eye. I immediately felt sick. Like a feeling of doom. 

When I went to the bathroom to pee. I started crying. Panic made me tilt my head back so I didn't ruin my face. 

My friend told me I looked so different. And guys were crowding me when we stomped around on fake wooden floors to Carti B. I think this is when my anxiety with men started. 

That day men looked at me differently. Warning, this tiny experience is exclusive.

I was the tomboy turned hot. I was a body that no one had touched before. And wait I wanna add something.

I know this. I absolutely understand myself. My bestie is me. So, when I noticed that I actually looked good, that people actually took interest in me and that they could actually want to be with me;

I wanted to puke.

After that night guys were texting me about how they saw me and liked spending time with me on the dance floor. One who had a girlfriend. 

I wanted to puke.

Then, but not when I went to go pee. Instead, I had a panic attack. When it happens, I can feel the voices around me merge and get so lightheaded that my brain commands my feet to walk to the bathroom.

No one was in the stalls. 

I focused on something on the ceiling I think until I was numb.

My skirt rustled as I sat back down to pee. I hear some music as the frame creaks and girls walk in, giggling.

I remember letting out a sigh in frustration, confusion, sadness, and curiosity

Reaching out, my hands started to shake as my thoughts start to think about a fact that will change my perspective of love, of romantic relationships, and push me towards isolation.

Why don't I have a Prom date?

short storylovelonelinessrelationships

◄ good morning

insomnia ►

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