Leaving

you have left me in a cardboard cut-out world

a rattling pebble chasing the tide

there's a void growing in the garden

a river sobbing down the stairs

snuffed candle incense taints the bedroom

summoning the double blackness again

swimming in shadows

it bleeds colour from the day

time wears away the details

as the photos fill with strangers

Your perfumes tender curse lingers on the shroud

bereavementbreak-updeathgriefleavinglossrelationships

◄ The Headbuts of Kebabylon

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Comments

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Matthew Sergison-Main

Wed 21st Jul 2010 15:43

What a gratifying response. To me a cardboard cutout world is something fake and lacking depth, the way the world feels when you've had a shock or in emotional turmoil. Thanks all, some really useful feedback there, I will take it on board.

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Val Cook

Wed 21st Jul 2010 13:58

I too liked this poem it has so many discriptive sounds. Especially "a rattling pebble chasing the tide" " a river sobbing down the stairs" is good.

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Chris Dawson

Wed 21st Jul 2010 13:23

Enjoyed this very much. I'm not entirely sure about the term 'cardboard-cutout world' - to me that would suggest an idealised world whereas the poem seems to be saying quite the opposite - I guess you mean an altered state of reality where nothing is quite real?
Also - I think you could probably lose 'on the shroud'.
Very good work though.
Cx

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Ray Miller

Wed 21st Jul 2010 13:11

I like these 2 lines very much:time wears away the detailsas the photos fill with strangersand there are other good lines, though the double blackness and swimming in shadows is a bit worn, I think. You need "Your perfume's tender curse..."Enjoyed a lot.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 21st Jul 2010 12:12

Matthew, I really liked this poem. It is very original with captivating images which are well developed using great word choices that access all the senses. The internal vowel music carries the lines along effortlessly. I do think it is outstanding from beginning to end. For me, the WOW factor.

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Alison Smiles

Wed 21st Jul 2010 11:58

I loved the opening line - really strong and visual.

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