Contradictions

Trying to remember how to write 

Not knowing what I feel anymore

Like a dog who forgets it’s past when he finds a new home

Still struggling with the side effects 

But not knowing why

Forgetful and forgiving 

Still not getting me by

Happy and afraid 

Disappointed and ashamed 

Relieved but not convinced 

The fear that fear will take its place 

Insecure yet safe 

Contradictions and intuitions

Which is which 

And who’s to say? 

Scared that I’ve failed 

Strength being something I’ve never had 

I’m weak but wear it well. 

Dependent yet self sefficantt

Only knowing how to survive and never really learning the difference 

Loving you immensely 

An outsider looking in on who you are instead of what you give me. 

Afraid that I’m in too deep 

Scared that loving you will hurt me

Knowing I’d rather suffer than ever hold you hostage 

You are the essence of beauty and you don’t even know it. 

It kills me that that’s something you’ll never acknowledge

So here I stand before 

Here to validate and remind you That to me you’re ducking perfect