Side Effects

Side effects 

 

And what are the side effects of growing up so young 

Being a child but the adult 

in this house that’s not a home?

What are the side effects of the times you spent all wrong 

Staying out

Drinking late 

Then driving me home 

What are the things apart of me 

That you gave me when I was young and did what you needed to be done

Why is my head a mess

Why is my depression strong 

Why do I question where strength will get me when all I’ve had to be is strong?

Where does this rubble lead me? 

Is it somewhere good? 

What are the side effects you left me from our childhood? 

What are the side effects of you leaving me

When I needed you you needed me 

And I was there I held your hand 15 years old and wiser than

That mom that half way raised me and

The dad that wasn’t there

The step parent that was my voice of reason 

But when you left us he left me there

What are the side effects

Please I’m begging 

What did this do to me? 

When did you go wrong? 

I was just a kid myself when I had to be the adult 

What did you leave me with? 

The traits that stayed when you left 

All the things that I inherited 

The secrets kept in the secrets safe 

The parts of you without a name 

The questions I forgot to ask when you were my mom saying things like “this will pass” 

How much longer will fucked up last? 

What are the side effects of loosing you as a child and trying to remember what you taught? 

Then nurturing the dad you gave me

While he told me it was my fault 

Then mothering my brother until he just gave up.

What is the remedy for feeling like my life’s just bad luck

What is the antidote for resenting you 

just for giving up

I know you did 

And I can’t forgive you when you elected me to clean it up

So, What are the side effects of loosing someone that chose to go before her son could say goodbye? 

What would you tell me now 

if you knew how much I had to fix in your place? 

You lived a lie and so did I 

When you told me you were strong 

Strength doesn’t pick and choose 

You chose so you were wrong 

You were weak and when it became too much You forced me to be strong. 

You were unprepared and self aware 

and here we stand 

Me telling you you fucked me up

And me asking you what to do. 

What are the side effects 

Of not having a mom or dad 

No one to be proud of me or happy with the person I became that wasn’t half as bad 

As what you were expecting 

When you told me I was nothing 

When you gave up on parenting when I was 17 and rebellious and you two were fucking around giving up on these kids you found yourself with. 

Kid that didn’t know what life is

Not perfect but you made us 

Then got mad with the monster that you created 

What are the side effects of you leaving

This all behind so I can find a remedy to this feeling 

Of not knowing when to stop or go 

Not knowing when to let him go 

Because without you he’s bleeding 

He blames himself for the things you felt when you were weak and found him better off. 

You fucked him up 

And I can’t convince him that you dyings not his fault 

And he needs you to miss him he needs to feel your there

All I am to him is a person that’s not there 

Someone that doesn’t know him

Someone that doesn’t care

You left me with your child 

And he’s not the same 

He needs his mom but she’s not there and once again I’m to blame 

So what’s the remedy for dealing with this song that remains the same 

A side effect to you leaving me here is the fact that I’m writing this at all 11 years since you left this earth 

And I’m the one to blame.