And what are the side effects of growing up so young
Being a child but the adult
in this house that’s not a home?
What are the side effects of the times you spent all wrong
Then driving me home
What are the things apart of me
That you gave me when I was young and did what you needed to be done
Why is my head a mess
Why is my depression strong
Why do I question where strength will get me when all I’ve had to be is strong?
Where does this rubble lead me?
Is it somewhere good?
What are the side effects you left me from our childhood?
What are the side effects of you leaving me
When I needed you you needed me
And I was there I held your hand 15 years old and wiser than
That mom that half way raised me and
The dad that wasn’t there
The step parent that was my voice of reason
But when you left us he left me there
What are the side effects
Please I’m begging
What did this do to me?
When did you go wrong?
I was just a kid myself when I had to be the adult
What did you leave me with?
The traits that stayed when you left
All the things that I inherited
The secrets kept in the secrets safe
The parts of you without a name
The questions I forgot to ask when you were my mom saying things like “this will pass”
How much longer will fucked up last?
What are the side effects of loosing you as a child and trying to remember what you taught?
Then nurturing the dad you gave me
While he told me it was my fault
Then mothering my brother until he just gave up.
What is the remedy for feeling like my life’s just bad luck
What is the antidote for resenting you
just for giving up
I know you did
And I can’t forgive you when you elected me to clean it up
So, What are the side effects of loosing someone that chose to go before her son could say goodbye?
What would you tell me now
if you knew how much I had to fix in your place?
You lived a lie and so did I
When you told me you were strong
Strength doesn’t pick and choose
You chose so you were wrong
You were weak and when it became too much You forced me to be strong.
You were unprepared and self aware
and here we stand
Me telling you you fucked me up
And me asking you what to do.
What are the side effects
Of not having a mom or dad
No one to be proud of me or happy with the person I became that wasn’t half as bad
As what you were expecting
When you told me I was nothing
When you gave up on parenting when I was 17 and rebellious and you two were fucking around giving up on these kids you found yourself with.
Kid that didn’t know what life is
Not perfect but you made us
Then got mad with the monster that you created
What are the side effects of you leaving
This all behind so I can find a remedy to this feeling
Of not knowing when to stop or go
Not knowing when to let him go
Because without you he’s bleeding
He blames himself for the things you felt when you were weak and found him better off.
You fucked him up
And I can’t convince him that you dyings not his fault
And he needs you to miss him he needs to feel your there
All I am to him is a person that’s not there
Someone that doesn’t know him
Someone that doesn’t care
You left me with your child
And he’s not the same
He needs his mom but she’s not there and once again I’m to blame
So what’s the remedy for dealing with this song that remains the same
A side effect to you leaving me here is the fact that I’m writing this at all 11 years since you left this earth
And I’m the one to blame.
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