Verisimilitude

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I feared I was the burning bush, 

Yet I was not consumed,

I cried for a season, all of winter,

But now I am approved.

Pour the wine, and we shall feast,

Landlocked, in the land of east,

Once I ever saw the sea,

The waves are calling me.

I dwell on top, of a middle-class hill,

The pre-adult grand old duke of present,

I live here, not against my will,

Soon to leave the half-moon crescent.

My faith has been fully restored,

I have it now, and once before,

Crumbled by a draining whore,

Du bist nicht meine kleine schonheit.

Feeling very similar, to my solemn past,

Only the grandeur, built to last,

And only in the candlelight, have I truly realised,

I have postponed the real life, Verisimilitude.

Rosa plus a projectile weapon,

Lyrics informed of what should happen,

Now to swallow the paradisaical place,

Where the grass is green,

And the girls of grace.

decisionsfearfuturemy life

◄ Ambivalent

To my sweetest ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (8134)

Mon 7th Jun 2010 00:19

Thanks for the comment, I'm sure the poem could be pruned, but the meaning of the poem is messy, and it means more to me being messily construed. The last 5 lines aren't really necessary, it makes little sense, but it has meaning. They refer to the Guns'n'Roses song with the lyrics 'take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty', as I am moving home soon from Northampton to Preston.
I shall try in my best to explain the poem.
Lines 1-4 describe my anguish as I felt lost, being declined from several universities and fearing having to grow into the adult world.
Lines 5-12 are about the place I live, about as far from the seaside as possible, I have only been to the sea once in my life and that I will be moving to a seaside town.
Lines 13-16 are about when I had my heart broken by a girl, who finished with me in german, because she couldn't bear to say it in english.
Lines 17-20 are meaning that I have again managed to avoid asserting myself, as I am a very lethargic person, and have managed to get myself an unconditional university offer (somehow!) and I again have a feeling of beating the system.
And then the end is talking about the song, and how I can move away from my hometown, which I hate, and to a new life.

Sorry for the essay!
Thanks for your perspective though xxx

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Anthony Emmerson

Sun 6th Jun 2010 16:46

Hi Joseph,

Quirky yet deep stuff this - it seems strangely pointed too:

"Crumbled by a draining whore,
Du bist nicht meine kleine schonheit."

Some lines confused me via their construction:

"Once I ever saw the sea,"

"I have it now, and once before,"

"Rosa plus a projectile weapon,"

"Where the grass is green,
And the girls of grace."

I'm guessing you are playing with tenses and the posessive here?

One word that really jarred ear, brain and tongue was:

"paradisaical"

Six syllables! Great for flaunting your vocabulary, but a fat, green caterpillar in the salad of a poem.

I have no idea why (probably the title and German reference) but it brought to mind this:

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/vergissmeinnicht/

Overall it's impressive stuff, but would perhaps benefit from a judicious pruning and some clarification?

Your poem - your prerogative. Anything else is merely opinion.

Regards,
A.E.


<Deleted User> (8134)

Sat 5th Jun 2010 19:14

This is a common theme in comments, I am young, but poetry has no borders, I am passionate about it, and I'm only 17 in case you where wondering.
Thank you for your perspective, I shall read some of your poems now, thanks :D

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Noetic-fret!

Sat 5th Jun 2010 17:58

This is nice work Joseph. I havent come across your work before. As I was reading i pictured the writer as someone perhaps a lot older than you are. You are obviously a very intense and thoughtful person. The verse itself is crystal, and i will go on to read more of your work. Nice one.

Mike

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Ann Foxglove

Fri 4th Jun 2010 13:33

Hi Joseph - I think your poems have a strong confident voice, very mature (and no way am I being patronising, I would say this whatever your age.) I esp like the first eight lines, which I see as a first verse, I guess.

<Deleted User> (8134)

Fri 4th Jun 2010 10:03

My faith has been fully restored,
I have it now, and once before,
Crumbled by a draining whore,
Du bist nicht meine kleine schonheit. (You are not my little beauty)

Thank you for your kind words :) I have had a horrendous year, but things have gotten good recently.
Take care x

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Isobel

Fri 4th Jun 2010 09:36

It sounds to me like you have walked through the valley of death and come out the other side. Youth is all Joseph, learn from your mistakes and make the most of it.

I enjoyed your poem - though I didn't understand the german bit - tried googling it but it was taking too long - it doesn't seem to be a stock phrase...

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