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This isn’t happiness,
This is a set of lips,
Curling at the corners,
Retired from being kissed,
This is a facade,
The back arched,
Leaning in to whisper,
I’m destroyed by culture.
This is emptiness,
Vacancy forming dust,
This isn’t happiness,
It never was.
<Deleted User> (8134)
Wed 28th Apr 2010 21:18
That is really encouraging, thank you so much, I wish more people my age enjoyed poetry
This is terrific - really thought provoking. The ideas, diction and images are outstanding - especially 'I'm destroyed by culture'. Great title. By the way, 'criticised' on WOL generally means 'noticed/considered/commented upon', nothing negative.
<Deleted User> (8134)
Wed 28th Apr 2010 09:51
Thank you :D
Sort of lean, direct, not too many words, says it all in a few very well chosen words, er, um . . elegant too. Looks good on the page as well. That do 'ya? ;-)
<Deleted User> (8134)
Wed 28th Apr 2010 08:58
I knew the culture line would get criticised, I literally could not think of anything to go there, it bothered me. Thanks for your feedback :)
Ann- what do you mean by spare?
:)
Spare and very good.
I like this, "a set of lips curling at the corners" is a strong image. I should think you don't need a comma after lips.Facade and arched is a nice rhyme. The weak point is "I'm destroyed by culture" which is vague after some arresting images.
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winston plowes
Fri 30th Apr 2010 00:48
nice...