As first ever official Bard of Northampton, and regular MC of Northampton's premier new acts/new material comedy night, We are Most Amused at The Victoria, Donna has performed stand-up and poetry all over the UK, playing to crowds big and small, from pubs and arthouses to festival crowds. An MC and comic with a difference, Donna has been called upon to bring her warm, friendly musings and poetry to all sorts of events, including the BSFA Awards ceremony, Lyric Lounge, The Fishmarket Presents: Edinburgh Previews, various science fiction and fantasy conventions and Bite n'Write Food Bloggers' Conference.
Slob I've no wish to be complicit in your life of grime, but I've got a busy schedule and I really don't have time to sort out all your crap; I only wish I had. I just thought I'd mention that it's making me look bad. 'Cause when I walk in through the door, it looks like you've been robbed. Life is never easy when your boyfriend is a slob. Is there dust on every surface? No - all surfaces are stacked with papers, mugs and DVDS - the dust's on top of that. Is there nowhere you can put these things? Dare I suggest a shelf? - and the answer I am looking for is not 'do it yourself'. You could clear out the cellar, but then that's a massive job. Things are never easy when your boyfriend is a slob. The kitchen sink is full of grease, the kettle needs descaling; you've tried to do some washing up, but mostly you've been failing. I thought I'd help with hoovering, but found it rather tricky; do you have any explanation why your carpet is so sticky? No, I don't think I'm nagging you, and really I'm no snob, it's just that it's not easy when your boyfriend is a slob. You say you'll cook me dinner and have candlelight for two, but I'd find you more appealing if you had a nice, clean loo. Besides, I've seen your dining room and don't think we'd be able to have a game of footsy with that bike under the table. I wouldn't eat a tin of soup you'd heated on that hob, you're at risk of salmonella when your boyfriend is a slob. You demonstrate such apathy that my words can't help but fail. You've got more unopened post than the flippin' Royal Mail. You've got more books and papers than the entire British Library. I want to help you sort it out, but must I resort to bribery? You want me to move in with you? That will only happen if we roll up our sleeves together, and with elbow grease and Cif, we'll scrub and scour everything, and with a little care we'll have your whole house sparkling like a diamond solitaire. But if you were to ask the question now... I think I'd sob; It's not that I don't love you, but you really are a slob.
All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.
Fashion Womble (24/02/2012)
Love is The Stig (16/02/2012)
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