A lot of people say that I'm like a female version of this poet called John Coober Clarke. Apparently he used to support some woman called Joy Division. She sounds crap. See I would support someone good, you know, like Usher. He's brilliant. I’m on the highest band for disability allowance – got myself some lovely plaques for the lounge wall. It’s well easy – only had to say I couldn’t get upstairs and needed one of them mobility scooters. My mum taught me that. Social service fink she’s had a stroke. Stroke a genius. I heard this joke right, 'How do you have sex with a tap? Faucit.' I don't understand - who wants to have sex with a tap?
FINGS VAT RHYME WIV VAN If my baby is a boy I’m gonna call it Dan But if it’s a girl I’m callin’ it Jan Coz that’s the month in which it were concieved on me new Divan Did it with this guy right, from the Isle of Man Well I fink it’s his. Could be the guy with the delivery van He also went wiv me mate Roxanne She’s just had her 3 month scan Gonna meet her in Greg’s in a bit, get meself a flan I’m fuckin’ starvin’ me – only had a Calipo since me raisin bran Oh look there’s Stan Alright Stan? Your Jason still out in Kazacstan? You what? Iran? Oh whatever. Iran , Kazacstan, Japan At least he’ll have a good tan. His Jason used to go out with our Joanne When she were workin’ in Matalan Looks a bit like that Geordie Twat – Ant McPartlan I’m not his biggest fan He lives in Luton and he’s a fick as my Nan And apparently right, his bits reek of parmesan. Go out wiv him? I’d rather have tea with the Klu Klux Klan. Not quite sure who he is – I fink he’s the priminister of Sudan Yeah, he’s probably dead rich, like goes on holiday to Milan Like driving around in his Catamaran With his best mates Paul Danan and Jackie Chan. I’ve just got meself a new social worker, her name’s Diane She’s gonna get me a 4 bedded house if she can Aaah – it is gonna be wicked man! Coz I tell you I’m fuckin’ sick of livin’ wiv my Gran I can’t wait til she’s dead – she has got a crackin’ pension plan Oh leave it out - she keeps playin’ that Hollies song Carrianne It’s as bad as that bleedin’ Duran Duran. Nah, her time on Earth has definately over ran. Might help her on her way; put a bit of poison in her drink’s can Smack her over the head with a frying pan Or get her a one way ticket to Afganistan Old people, fuckin’ hell, definately something they should ban. I'll leave it there coz you’ve got a shit concentration span. BONER OF CONTENTION Nah my first boyfriend Jamie seemed really nice But there’s no excusin’ pubic lice Pretty much the same with Keith He needed his foreskin releasin’ before he could wash underneath It were far too tight around the helmet Opposite to Darren’s - that one hung off like a bleedin’ pelmet Then there were Stuart - excessive droolin’ whilst’ going down I mean 3 minutes in, I thought I were gonna fuckin’ drown It went right through the mattress. Which then had to be aired. You know I’m sure his swallow reflex was impaired Then I went out with Ricky - he liked it like a girl A bit fuckin’ weird like but I did give I’ a whirl See, his ex was a lesbian, so he could only come If I licked his balls an fingered his bum She were a vegan - very little she could eat I get the impression the rule applied to all types of meat She probably did different’ stuff when she headed south Cause she couldn’t cope – with a little bit of pork in her mouth Next one I called ‘Vikin’s horn’- he had a bent shaft It were great on the G spot. But looked fuckin’ daft Nah I know they’re all sexual, but it’s less satisfyin’ to think Of his wet towels on the floor, or his shavin’s in the sink Most men are messy, lazy, grumpy It’s better to focus on somethin’ like…..their semen being lumpy That was Robert - the love of my life ‘Til he revealed that he had a wife I was so upset cause he was such a hunk But I reminded myself of his nasty spunk It made it easier acceptin’ he was with another girl Knowin’ each time she went near ‘is groin she’d be tryin’ not to hurl And he was gettin’ fat, developing man boobs And he never trimmed his bushy pubes Ooh massive pubic bush - I also had that with Tom McKeith Not only looks bad but gets stuck in your teeth Every time I got down on my knees It’d tickle my nose and make me sneeze But favourite of them all is my first boyfriend Ged….. He used to kneel down, put his willy under his mattress And fuck his bed.
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