My poems are observational generally, with a liberal amount of poetic licence where required. They rhyme, mostly. My influences are Sir John Betjeman, Pam Ayres, Clive James, Spike Milligan, John Cooper Clarke, Roger McGough, Alexei Sayle, Benny Hill, Jake Thackray, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Victoria Wood
SHE'S HOT STUFF At eight o'clock this morning as she was getting changed suddenly, with no warning my wife burst into flames I shouted for my daughter who stifled the screaming then doused her with water which resulted in her steaming We buried her by the garden shed Her face had lost its lustre She told us that she wasn't dead but you know...you just can't trust her! ON HEPTONSTALL MOOR He was fourteen she thirty four but that did not matter as they went up together onto Heptonstall Moor He the pupil he that she taught each day in school and that Sunday morning on Heptonstall Moor He a child in the eyes of the law She made him a man in those erotic few hours on Heptonstall Moor She was voracious demanding much more He young and virile did as instructed on Heptonstall Moor Feeling much taller than he'd felt before His mind so much broader as they made their way down from Heptonstall Moor WESTONBIRT ARBORETUM Arriving en masse in Barbour green middle class mummies in SUV's with kids named Willow, Sky and Breeze allergic to various nuts and cheese and designer dogs on ten foot leads (tripping hazards for OAP's) pooping in the fallen leaves beneath the beauty of the trees MRS MARYON'S HOLIDAY She gets on her lounger at 9 and doesn't get off till 5 Sometimes I have to poke her to check that she's still alive But what if she does stop breathing? What would I do if she's dead? Should I rush to re-marry or just get a parrot instead? Let's face it, they don't eat as much They're less of a pain and easier to train NAN'S FINAL MATCH You’ve bowled your final match Your woods are packed away The season’s over The greens aren’t fit for play. You played a good game You got the bias right But it was one end too many You just ran out of fight. So goodbye Nan. We love you. You are one in a million. Now enjoy your cup of tea Safely back, in the pavilion.
All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.
Martin's Missing Sweatshirt (20/02/2019)
The Magnificent Seven (?) (18/02/2019)
Martin's Knee (17/02/2019)
The Man Upstairs (15/02/2019)
Everything You Need to Know About Gloucester (08/02/2019)
Ronnie's Pants (and so is his bowling) (05/02/2019)
Men & Ven (25/01/2019)
All The King's Horses And All The King's Men (23/01/2019)
RTA A149 NORFOLK (18/01/2019)
Last Night's Brexit Vote (16/01/2019)
We Don't Move Very Much (08/12/2018)
A Minor Roasting (24/11/2018)
Waiting to Leave Home (10/11/2018)
Westonbirt Arboretum (01/11/2018)
Going On A Demo (27/10/2018)
Uncle Seamus (22/10/2018)
Unhappy Hunting Ground (18/10/2018)
SOAP : Corrie (15/09/2018)
Chicken Bhuna (25/08/2018)
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