Woof. My poems are observational generally, with a liberal amount of poetic licence where required. They rhyme, mostly. My influences are Sir John Betjeman, Pam Ayres, Clive James, Spike Milligan, John Cooper Clarke, Roger McGough, Alexei Sayle, Benny Hill, Jake Thackray, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Victoria Wood I've never entered any competitions yet I'm still surprised I've never won anything. I did receive some kind words from a teacher in primary school, but I think she probably knew I'd semi-plagiarised the poem.
Here are a few poems about my friend Ronnie, a true character... RONNIE'S BIKE RIDE Rottweilers cowered in corners Grown men quivered in fright Mothers protected their children when Ronnie went out on his bike Motorists swerved to avoid him or drove on the opposite side Buses remained in their depot when Ronnie was out on his bike People out feeding the pigeons ended up covered in shite as they took to the air in a panic when Ronnie flew past on his bike But folk were glad to have been there and may never again see the like They'll re-tell the tale to their grandkids of the time they nearly got totalled by Ronnie, out riding his bike CHANGING YOUR INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER You're under duress with high levels of stress when you change your ISP And when you're off-line you're just killing time by watching daytime TV Though in Ronnie's case he's loving The Chase so it's not quite as bad as it seems RONNIE'S BIG FINISH Ronnie took his cue and strode up to the baize His hackles were raised and in less than a couple of minutes he produced a four shot finish He was supremely adept whilst Terry just stood there and wept RONNIE PEAKED TOO SOON We started to play at twelve but by one in the afternoon it quickly became apparent that Ronnie had peaked too soon He built up a four frame lead and bragged about what he'd got but perhaps he should have said nothing as his game quickly went to pot He broke out in a cold sweat Things were not going according to plan He began to search for reasons why he was fast going down the pan But the only excuse he came up with was that Martin was talking too much This was true but didn't fully explain why Ronnie was losing his touch Ronnie didn't win another frame and later at home in his bed he cried himself to sleep and thought I'll try tiddlywinks instead RONNIE'S PANTS (and so is his bowling) We got more than we'd bargained for at bowls today... When we saw Ronnie's big stripey pants we couldn't believe our eyes as they seemed to start at his chest and end just below his thighs It was quite a stark revelation and we couldn't suppress our laughter when after he'd tucked them back in there was still just as much showing after The players on rink number one didn't think it was all that funny as it caused them to bowl their woods offline and straight down the gulley I think Ronnie's learnt his lesson and I hope we can take it as read that next time to save all our blushes he'll wear Jockey Y-Fronts instead
All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.
How to waste a few hours (23/04/2019)
Jump, Again (15/04/2019)
The Todger : Alternative Uses (13/04/2019)
Waiting at the door with a rolling pin (13/04/2019)
Again, Empty Vessel (09/04/2019)
It will probably never happen (02/04/2019)
Colour Blind (01/04/2019)
Scott & Ranking Roger (28/03/2019)
Formula Milk (25/03/2019)
Dad Dance (22/03/2019)
We Don't Move Very Much (08/12/2018)
A Minor Roasting (24/11/2018)
Waiting to Leave Home (10/11/2018)
Westonbirt Arboretum (01/11/2018)
Going On A Demo (27/10/2018)
Uncle Seamus (22/10/2018)
Unhappy Hunting Ground (18/10/2018)
SOAP : Corrie (15/09/2018)
Chicken Bhuna (25/08/2018)
- 2019 (4)
Do you want to be featured here? Submit your profile.