This is a poem about trying to explain to a hairdresser what a Performance Poet is.

Bits of amazingness from you are falling
Into gaps of a divorcee’s laminate flooring
Residue from the great stud that is you
Are being severed to the tones of La Roux

Yeah, some bitch is standing there mowing
The hair you spent all your free time growing
As you patiently sit, no complaints to be heard
Generosity - just isn’t the word.

The great debates you have, as follicl...

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So! The news this morning, eh?
Doubt we’ll all forget this day
Quite the bombshell to wake up to
Quite the simultaneous ‘Oooh!’

The day the world announced as one -
”That justice has now been done.”
That greatly universal ‘Pardon?’
When we all heard about – hang on.

Wait – what was I about to say?
That thing – that’s on the news today?
You know – that – thing. That...

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One Love


I always wonder why you call -
“I LOVE YOU” out in concert halls
Sure, it’s the truth, there is no doubt.
A lust you try and sidle out Into this brimming concert hall
Of people you don’t know at all
And yet you cannot hold the words
I LOVE YOU echoes through the herds And your true love stands up on stage
And listens as your feelings wage
From vague enjoyment of th...

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Thankyou, Amanda Platell


This poem is written in dedication to this beautifully stupid article here: Fashion’s Ultimate Insult to Women, by Amanda Platell 

Ladies! Remember how we’re all repressed?
And we cower in the mirror as we get undressed?
And we heave regret on our neglectful mothers
When we see one boob is bigger than the other? And when they didn’t stock YOUR size at New Look -

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SatireDaily Mailcomedy

Sonnet Scott-Lee


Shall I compare Andy Scott-Lee to Darren Day?
Thou art more stubbly; and more delicate.
Rough hair doth shake the singers of Hear*Say 
But Andy at least, is not bankrupt 
Sometimes, Michelle Heaton doth pine
And often is her gold complexion dimm’d 
Every premiere from premiere never declined
By chance Heat snaps her armpits trimm’d
But Andy shall never be Darren Day!

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comedypop music


MY DARLING! I love you!

Erm. I love you too.

It helps to say the words through teeth
If you feel queasy underneath
Apparently, by clenching molars
This method can help control the

Nauseating emptiness
I’m dumping on the universe.
But this is love not dentistry.
But I still need to dent the glee.

It's hard to say 'I love you too!'
I even hate the band U2 

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I'd Do That for Love

I feel weird today. And it’s pissing me off.
And sure - I could blame beef stroganoff
But this felt like I hadn't eaten at all.
Wouldn’t stop - despite paracetamol.

And I - didn’t feel - that I could adopt the
Bravery needed for seeing a doctor
And Google basically forecast my death
On the offchance that there was any hope left

And I must admit, it did take a while

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Dear Justin Timberlake

 Dearest Justin Timberlake

Firstly, hello! Thanks for reading
I like that music that you make.
It’s brill that you’re succeeding.

When N Sync split I must’ve died.
But then I heard your solo years
And your first album – Justified
Is the sole reason I have ears.

But now you’re making movies
And Oscars, you may hold -
In your trailer sipping smoothies
Mixed with caviar...

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funnyjust timberlakemusicpoplettercomedy

Little Red Square

 Oh, how I want you there.

Little – red – square.
To bounce and announce
Just one, little ounce

Of a detail for me.
Just a crumb for thee -
To lick up tiny titbits
Of vaguely known nitwits.

I just want your salvation
One notification.
Off some bloke called Jimmy.
Come on now. Gimme.

Little – Red – Square
The space is still bare
Where I wait for home truths

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I've been trapped in Limbo
For a while now, for a while now
The lights are pretty dim, low
And it's a bit colder somehow.

I’ve been trapped in Limbo
But it’s okay, but it’s okay
It’s not exactly grim, though –
The sky's a little grey.

And – I live in the North, I know.
So you’d think I’d be alright.
But there’s something about Limbo
There’s something in the light


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 I buy sparkly jackets to substantiate

The fact I may be interesting to talk to
‘Cause glitter makes for fancy mates
And opportunities to gawk through

I wear leather pants for reasons
Unknown to me, unknown to
Legions of Grease Fan’s nether regions
Yet Newton John pulls through.

I pledge in allegiance to large hats
That I purchase whilst very mashed
From inauspicious l...

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 Dedicated to you. It was always you, darlings.

My attempt to be poetic
Involves being aesthetically
Magnetic, like kinetic energy.
Using metre to perfection
Involves inputting exceptional
Inflections into witty commentary
My attempt to impress you lot
Who all think that Harry Potter's
Got an awful lot ot offer more than me
Will at...

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Divine chasm caressing the air
Azure lingers low 
Celestial beauty’s hidden lair 
The Jerry Springer Show
Lustrous lanterns light the scope
Of wistful heat in waves 
Pearly provinces of hope
Top Gear repeats on Dave
Twinkling canvas darkens - slow
Encased in misty hands
The golden summit fades below
New Movies on Demand

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My Anamnesis

Sometimes - our memories trap us.
Sometimes we try and stop. 
Ignore that unremitting buzz 
That makes our faces drop 

Those shadowed holes that fritter
And stain our coloured thoughts
Distorting them like litter;
Then leave us overwrought.

At least they do to me. 
And boy, will I cling 
On to every bad memory
And every bad feeling 

And inspect it, and d...

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I wish that I was Brilliant

I wish that I was brilliant
Impeccably resilient
And resolute and aspirant
To be even more excellent
Than others that are brilliant
And others that are excellent
With mothers that will smother
Them in utter love and other
Bits of praise that lasts for days and days
Because they’re just born to amaze
And that is what I want to be
To a tolerable degree
At least, or maybe just this once
The c...

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The Awkward Corridor Conversation

We haven't quite met
Your name is something bland
And I knew that I'd forget it
From when I first shook  your hand

From our first meeting
You were simply not a person
But a courtesy smile and greeting
With some very mild conversing

About something in particular
Which I probably ignored
But now you're standing perpendicular
To me across the corridor

And I'm going to have to say hello
And conjure up some snapp...

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Music of the Spheres

You know I hate to say ‘goodnight’
But yet I do with great consistence
The day is gone, I’ve lost the fight
And you’re dissolving in the distance

And so I lie as my eyes close
And drift to twisted reverie
Obligatory picture shows
Of things I do not want to see

So when we say tonight’s goodbye
And our dreams transport us elsewhere
Follow these directions and I
Promise that I’ll meet you there

Catch the las...

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A poem about Youtube
Welcome to!
Click here to make your own personal account!
Click here to upload a ridiculous amount
Of videos of you doing things of worth!
Or perhaps you’d just perfer to surf
Our extensive repertoire of 10 minute wonders
Our brilliant selection tearing you asunder
Anyone can upload, anyone can cop a l...

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What? Haven’t you seen her?
Surely you have seen her.
Causing a scene with her
Fetid demeanour
I switch on Channel 4 and I feel something stir
A scuttling woman in black makes my screen blur
As I curl up in fear with my glass of Ribena
About to embark the wrath of Davina.
Oh my god. What have I done.
I’ve flicked the trigger of this proverbial gun
She’s picking up my fear like a murd...

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Why I stole David Cameron’s bicycle

I have a little confession to make.
Nothing I’m proud of, make no mistake.
But now the press has settled down
And the green of summer is now crisp Autumn brown

I’m just going to come out and say it.
And yes, I’m really going to pray it
Doesn’t cause such a tabloid furore,
But it will - obviously - like it happened before.

I stole David Cameron’s bicycle in the summer of July
.God, I’m so embarrassed I thin...

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Being Sentimental

Being sentimental
Sent me mental
Being sentimental
Makes me detrimental
To my sensational
Words I write
Beside my frustration
Trying to get it right
I’ve tried to strip it down
Return back to the start
But it’s hard
When my part in the
Art is heartless
I feel like my heart’s
Just an empty carcass
My mind’s like a dart
But I can’t regardless
Of my soul harness
That’s strapping me in
And confining the din
Of my screami...

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Something is bugging me

Something is bugging me.
I can feel a process tugging me
Chug - chug - chugging the,
Frustration is lugging me

Towards something.

But what something could that something be?
Is the air around me drugging me
Did someone spike this sugar tea?
Oh damn my eyes, oh bugger me

I can feel it, tapping again
Rapping and clapping and snapping and then
Slapping and trapping and wrapping my head
Up in a mask of tight, vis...

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How not to respond to the text message 'I love you'

“I love you.” - I know, me too
But not all the time like you do
I know we’re too far from each other
And yet I’m technically your lover

But please don’t call me by ‘sweetheart’
I know we’re miles and miles apart
But don’t woo me with clichéd art
Don’t take me on a horse and cart

My organs aren’t confectionary
Why not look in a dictionary?
Don’t take my hand and smile like that
Don’t stroke my hair, I’m not ...

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Tragic Tricks

I’m a little magician with my little box of tricks
I’ve got some coloured tied up scarves, and some juggling sticks
A plastic wand I picked up for just two pounds ninety nine
A jaunty top hat passers by have said looks mighty fine

So I’ve got the look tied down, I’m sure you’ll all agree
I look like a bit of a twat, to put it simply
I can only assume that is good for my career
I guess if it goes down the...

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I dont need a hero

Here’s why.

To me, the day had broken me
Internally impaired, you see
Not physically, more like I had
The reason to feel a bit sad.

Except I didn’t really feel like that at all
Sorry to lie - about my fictitious recall
But for the purpose of narrative consequence
And for this to all make a little more sense

And for me to acquire from you
Synthetic sympathy for feelings untrue
It’s easier than actually bein...

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On my train journey

As human beings, we are blessed.
With such a life defining zest
To make our way around this world
And pick up pieces which we’ve hurled

And as these human beings we,
Are gifted individually
To cascade through life with slight grace
And leap through years at our own pace

Or else, just catch the train.
So catastrophically inane
Of me, as it turned out to be
On my train journey.

On my train journey, my eyes

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How to Like Pretentious Music

How to like pretentious music.

Dear pretentious music lover,
Or to whom it may concern,
I’ve been living undercover
Because I simply have to learn

How to like pretentious music
Or pretend to, like you do
My taste in songs would make you sick
I actually don’t mind U2

I can’t describe just quite how much
I really need your help,
My records need the magic touch
They don’t sing as much as yelp

So I tried to rea...

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Freelance Writer

Freelance Writer.
Finance Fighter
Good chance biter.
Romance brighter
We dance righter
We prance lighter
Our stance tighter
Nights seem brighter
When you write a
Out of sight, a
Fictive blighter
Novel delight, sir!
But, these writers
Like all-nighters
Sleep gets lighter
Page grows whiter
Ideas triter
Conscience smiter
Words spit spite, the
Plot’s not right, the
Narrative’s shite, the
Freelance writer’s
Drowned in pl...

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The Children are Sleeping

I am so very, very awake
Sleeping in so late
Was a colossal mistake.
So I ponder to myself
Is everyone else awake?
Is everyone else awake like me?

Of course - the children are sleeping.
So many of them
Are tucked up in bed
Pillows caressing their small, weary heads
As they dream of seamless worlds
That make sense only to them
Circuses accumulating their favourite things
Brought to life, and animated especiall...

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Binge on whinge

Wanting to be everything

Can be even more tiring

Then doing all the things

I never do


Wishing I could impress you

And knowing that I never do

And painting everything so blue

Is something that I shouldn’t do


Wanting to be smarter

But I feel I’m just a martyr

For a life I’d had to barter

Maybe I’ll just give up now


But wishing I was clever

And as light as a feather

All de...

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An ode to something quite special

Oh you bloody wonder! You miracle worker
You ruddy strike of thunder! You lyrical lurker!

I am indebted to you. You’re the epitome of skill

I have fretted for you, hear my litany if you will 

My eyes liquefy, and pour blissfully through

Surprised, every time when I learn something new

You complete me, you teach me, you please me

You’re conceit-free, just peachy, you seize me


You someh...

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New poem: Vodka Strike (Quite like this one. For now)

Vodka Strike


I’m on strike

It’s decided it’s official

I don’t like

How superficial

And cliché I’ve become!

I’m drinking on street corners

At quarter past one

As everyone scorns us

“You stinking student layabouts!

Your throats and stomachs are bottomless

AA Centres’ the other way, you louts!

You fucking hippopotamus

That wallows in the mud

Happiness isn’t in a bottle

So really ...

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24 (Keifer Sutherland not included)



I’m awake and I’m lamenting

In my mind I am fermenting

The drinks we had are now aligning

Up against my stomach lining




I’m not sleeping, I’m just dreaming

Of something far more redeeming

Than the fact that I’m just lying down

Absorbing up my abstract noun




Distorted triangles and symbols

Floating delicately and nimb...

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My first open mic!

Okay I have arrived, I am Mecca - I am Zulu, I am King, I am Overlord, I am chef of literary cuisine. 

Well - not really. Deep down at the ol' Thirsty Scholar (terrific pub lovely atmosphere if you havent been) I - with trembling fingertips approached the microphone tentatively and boy, was I inebriated to the bone. I think it went okay, everyone laughed at the places where laughter was required. H...

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