Poetry Blog by Ledger de la Bald
He was just a bit of a tearaway;
That's what the neighbourhood said,
'til him and a gang of his cronies,
Stamped upon an old man's head.
The years in Borstal didn't reform him,
In fact, they just made him worse,
On release he attacked an old lady,
Broke her arm to get at her purse.
Typical bully with a coward's heart,
And with age he learned to grow fly,
Tuesday 1st December 2015 9:30 am
Poor Old Alfie,
was so un'ealthy,
'e never watched 'is 'ealth,
'e buys dogfood,
for 'is doggie,
But 'e eats it all 'imself.
So 'is doggie,
'e gets 'ungry,
An' 'e eats Alfie's bed,
Now when Alfie,
'e got nowhere to lay 'is 'ead.
Saturday 21st November 2015 8:19 am
What is this life if, without a nag,
There is no time to roll a fag,
No time for a pint in a smoke filled room,
Without endless lectures of doom and gloom,
No time to while a few seconds away,
Reading the words on a pub's ashtray,
No time to hear a voice in the night,
Say, "Excuse me mate, you got a light?"
No time to say, "This job's a joke",
Monday 16th November 2015 6:06 pm
I've got a big black saucepan,
I use it to cook my beans in,
I call him Ted, 'cos that's his name,
And anyway, it seems to please him.
Ted lives on my gas stove,
Gas ring number three,
And when we are not cooking beans,
He sits and talks to me.
One day I had a visitor,
I introduced her to Ted,
She didn't bother staying for dinner,
"You're a loony" is what...
Sunday 8th November 2015 10:49 am
I am lost and I am lonely,
I am sad and I am blue,
It's all because of somebody,
Somebody called You.
You who beat me at arm wrestling
You who looked like a stoat
You who bit like a tiger
You who smelt like a goat
You who always came first
And then turned over and started snoring
You who beat my granny up
Just because you found her boring
You who thought it...
Thursday 5th November 2015 6:11 pm
Little Jack Horner
Sat in his corner,
And said "Sod this for a lark,
For three hundred odd years,
I've sat in this corner,
It's cold, it's boring, it's dark."
"There's only so many times,
To stick your thumb in a pie,
And just lately I've been thinking,
With a hey diddle diddle,
Down to 'The Cat And The Fiddle'
I want a pint of whatever that cow's been drinkin...
Tuesday 3rd November 2015 6:35 pm
I always try my best to please them,
When there is a family get together,
I usually remember I have to say,
Not 'Fuck me!' but 'Well I never',
They won't be impressed if I show them,
That I can pluck out my armpit hairs,
Or scratch my crotch whilst picking my nose,
And I know that none of them cares,
To hear the details of my understains,
Nor to watch me ignite a fart;...
Friday 30th October 2015 7:32 pm
When you are stomping around the kitchen,
And you've found some crockery to chuck,
This is something I can always handle,
At least I can run and duck.
When you remind me for the umpteenth time,
That I am a total waste of space,
That you rue the day you met me,
And wipe that stupid look off my face,
All of this I can cope with,
It really is nothing at all,
But when you...
Wednesday 28th October 2015 6:04 pm
Satan is a wanker,
Satan is a prick,
He's always being naughty,
He really makes me sick,
He tries to tempt us all,
He tries to enter your brain,
If he thinks he can outsmart us,
He can fuckin' think again,
I'd like to cut his tail off,
And shove it up his arse,
That'll show old satan,
He's just a fuckin' farce.
Satan is a wanker,
I bet he doesn't wipe hi...
Tuesday 27th October 2015 5:49 pm
One night at a party I spied an old man,
With clothes drink spattered by his quivering hand,
But I allowed myself respect for one such as he,
Still late night partying aged one hundred and three.
Then in conversation I found time had played tricks,
When I discovered his age, a mere sixty six,
As he bade me to listen, and to mark each word,
He related his story, the most i...
Saturday 24th October 2015 3:48 pm
Bobby The Bonehead Bouncer
Is pulling funny faces
Brow screwed up, tongue stuck out
As he tries to tie his laces.
He's going to look a picture
As he swaggers down the street
'cos no-ones got the balls to tell him
About his shoes being on the wrong feet.
He wears a chunky wristwatch
Which is stuck at half past two
But then knowing how to tell the time
Thursday 22nd October 2015 7:49 pm
Colin The Braincell
I've got a little braincell,
Colin is his name,
And every time that I get drunk,
He plays this little game.
He allows me to walk home from the pub,
He lets me go to bed,
Then he gets his moped out,
And rides it around my head.
(c) Ledger de la Bald 1982
Friday 16th October 2015 6:37 pm
My Aunty Doris
Used to believe,
That it was jolly bad luck
If a nun heard you sneeze.
Goodness knows where
She got this idea,
But she had lots of others
In the hay fever season
She would hide under the bed,
And on high pollen days
Lock herself in the shed,
When she suffered a cold
She would wander in fear,
Ever alert in case
A nun sh...
Wednesday 14th October 2015 3:21 pm
Sparrows are not noted,
For killing cows you know,
Anywhere there are sparrows,
A cow is safe to go.
Monday 12th October 2015 10:05 am
She lay there in the sleep of sleeps,
Despite all our attempts to wake her,
Loudly we did call her name,
And roughly we did shake her,
Until we were forced to concede,
She had gone to meet her maker,
When, suddenly, a tap on the door,
And there stood the undertaker.
The expression on his face did match,
His dark and sombre clothes,
How he'd received the news so q...
Friday 9th October 2015 7:14 pm
Take ye one bulb of fresh garlic,
Pass it through the smoke of an open fire,
Then shove it in your anus, it's good protection,
Against being buggered by Dracula.
Wednesday 7th October 2015 2:10 pm
Grandpa was a jolly old man,
With rheumatics in his knees,
When we were small, though he was kind,
With us he always liked to tease.
We had to be very careful when,
He gave us some pocket money,
He would heat the coins up with his lighter,
(He seemed to find this awfully funny).
As we howled and clutched at blistered fingers,
Grandpa would cackle insane,
Sunday 4th October 2015 10:19 am
The Norsemen-not a race,
Who went to a place,
And left without trace.
They would plunder and pillage,
Blood let and spillage,
Each hamlet and village,
That suffered attacks,
From sword blade and axe,
And knives in the backs,
Felt terror and dismay,
At the Vikings' foray,
And wished they'd go away.
They'd shout themselves hoarse,
Saying; "Bugger off Norse",...
Friday 2nd October 2015 6:25 pm
There's an old pepper mill,
By the stream of consciousness,
Sweet Nellie Dean Martin.
Thursday 1st October 2015 11:12 am
I've been waiting in for the postman,
To get a letter would almost be fun,
But seeing as it's half past nine at night,
I don't somehow think it's going to come.
There's bugger all on the telly,
Besides, the leccy has just run out,
And it's dull and boring down the pub,
When none of your mates are about.
Anyway, all my friend is in hospital,
It's a building from which I'm...
Saturday 5th September 2015 10:48 am
Come gather around you good people,
As I tell you this little story,
I warn you, it's a bit gruesome,
Because it concerns a hand of glory,
Which was a body part from a hanged man,
The jailor would sell it for the highest bid,
Bought by one versed in the secret arts,
(The next verse tells you what they did).
They dried it out and then embalmed it,
Muttering words of ...
Wednesday 26th August 2015 10:41 am
I have a friendly spider,
Living in my beard,
It's been there for a fortnight,
I hope it stays a year,
It's made itself quite cosy,
To evict it would be mean,
We have a symbiotic relationship,
Which keeps my whiskers clean.
Biscuit crumbs, dried gravy,
The occasional bit of snot,
Everything that drops there,
The spider eats the lot,
It does not need to spin...
Tuesday 25th August 2015 10:12 am
I think my body is falling to bits,
Where once I had pecs now I've got tits,
I get frequent twinges in my knees and my hips,
Where once I had a stream now I get drips,
Then I could spend all day on my feet,
Now I expect youngsters to offer their seat,
I've joined the passengers riding on passes,
And I'm forever claiming that I've lost my glasses.
A comfy armchair is my...
Monday 24th August 2015 9:42 am
You may notice I'm looking
nonetheless peeved today,
There's a turd in my loo
and it won't flush away,
I've thrashed it and bashed it
with the lavatory brush,
But it will not be beaten
and refuses to budge.
Now, there's something about
this particular turd,
I know it's illogical,
I know it's absurd,
But it reminds me of
a person I know,...
Saturday 22nd August 2015 10:19 am
The Labour Party went all dilly dilly,
And decided red was dead
They turned away from their roots,
'cos they wanted to be Tories instead.
They forgot about all social conscience,
It was something they didn't need,
Whilst perpetuating Thatcherism and,
Embracing a philosophy of greed.
Then along came Jeremy Corbyn,
With a whole new set of choices,
So now there...
Friday 21st August 2015 11:16 am
Far off in the South Sea islands
Where living is ever wild and free
The islanders enjoy their feast,
In the shade of a breadfruit tree.
Then after, to the gentle sound,
Of waves breaking over the coral reef,
A woman takes hold of her partner's penis,
And uses it to clean her teeth.
(c) Ledger de la Bald 2015
Thursday 20th August 2015 9:52 am
Whenever, and wherever, you sight a crewman in the Poole Prawning Fleet, you can be certain that his boat hook is not far away. And there is a very good reason for that: thousands of years ago it was our ancestors who invented the very first boat hook. So, y'see, it's not only a useful bit of gear on a Prawning Vessel, it's also part of our customs and traditions – which is why we do...
Friday 8th February 2013 2:37 pm
Of course, it wasn't only the men that had to deal with the press gangs, the womenfolk was just as involved with resisting their activities. But whereas the Prawnmen had to use their wits – and hope for more than a little luck – the Fishwives could use their fists if needs be. The lasses could get away with it y'see: losing a fight didn't mean they'd get dragged off to serve in a man o'war...
Monday 4th February 2013 7:46 pm
A couple of hundred years ago, and a decade or two on top of that, the Poole Prawnmen found themselves in a perplexity. And there was a very good reason for that: it was all because of the King wanting to be at war with the French at that time. That was one of their traditions y'see – it had been going on for centuries that the English and the French took it in turns to declare war o...
Wednesday 30th January 2013 10:23 am
When it comes to the drinking of spirits, the crewmen in the Prawning Fleet are most particular about what they will and won't allow to pass their lips: it has to be Rum. And there's a very good reason for that: we don't drink the Brandy because that's what the Masters drinks and it would be disrespectful for the crewmen to do the same – we knows our place and sticks to it. Likewise Whisky, we...
Saturday 19th January 2013 12:34 pm
Folks generally think that everyone who works on the sea is able to swim, so then they gets surprised when they discover that this aint necessarily the case. Your Prawnman cannot swim and there is a very good reason for that: it is because fishermen have a great understanding of the sea, nobody knows it as well as we do, and one of the first things we learns about it is that it is th...
Friday 11th January 2013 9:21 am
Way back in history – and I mean way, way back in history: we are talking about thousands of years ago, so it was long before any of us was born – there were no such things as cannonballs. And there is a very good reason for that, it is because nobody had invented a cannon to fire them out of. Of course, in them days things not being invented yet didn't bother folks like it does nowadays:...
Sunday 30th December 2012 10:29 am
Husband had a present,
To give unto his wife,
It was the biggest little bogey,
You have ever seen in your life.
Charming!......Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah.
Wife looked at her present,
And decided it was crap,
So she tipped the Sunday dinner,
All over husband's lap.
Charming!......Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah.
Husband he was angry,
To see his ru...
Saturday 1st December 2012 10:16 am
Napoleon Bonaparte once told me that I am a nation of shopkeepers. Well, he didn't say it to me personally-the Corsican Ogre had popped his clogs long before I had even donned my first pair of knitted bootees-he said it about the British in general. But if he had managed to survive another couple of hundred years, and had heard of my desire to be a shopkeeper, I'm sure that he would say i...
Monday 26th November 2012 1:32 pm
I sometimes think that in a previous life, assuming for the moment that there is such a thing, I must have been a meteorologist. Or, at the very least, a person with a more than natural interest in the weather forecast. This connection to meteorological conditions is not something which manifests itself in my everyday life: who cares what the weather is doing? A day is a day whether ...
Thursday 22nd November 2012 3:07 pm
Of all the creatures which roam the Earth-and there are far too many different species for me to be able to give a comprehensive list here-my favourite has got to be the ant. This is not something which I have decided upon without a great deal of thought: I have been musing over the question for years now and even the final short list ran into hundreds. But finally the ant won through as having...
Monday 19th November 2012 9:15 am
This is a Poole Prawnman's weather forecasting rhyme: taught to us as kids.
When the wind's in the west,
The prawning is best,
When the wind's in the east,
The prawning is least,
With a southerly blow,
The prawning goes slow,
And when the wind's in the north,
The prawns bugger off.
This, and more of the same, can be found i...
Thursday 8th November 2012 1:30 pm
There is nothing that a man does,
That a woman cannot do better,
And if she wants to do it, then boy
You ought to stand back and let her.
Nowadays there is nothing,
Which is the preserve of the male,
Because not only can she do it,
She does it more efficiently as well.
She'll mend the car and build a house,
And do it all in a trice,
Do the plu...
Monday 17th September 2012 3:17 pm