Poetry Blog by Kevin

The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two



The Mucky Myrtle One, and the Mucky Myrtle Two 


A nithering wind blew down the valley

A chuffin’ lazy one too

Too idle to go round you

It chilled, and cut straight through

Three codgers stood on Grimstone Quay

With crates of Puggies homebrew

Set to launch a brand new boat

The Mucky Myrtle Two


Puggie was the skipper

That’s Pugwash, to his mates


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Embassy Christmas

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Embassy Christmas


It was Christmas Eve in seventy-three

And Ezra did t’shoppin’ that year

He’d filled the cupboard, and every shelf

With ciggies and whiskey and beer


He bought enough snap to feed an army

Not just their family of four

He had to cut t’legs off the turkey

Just to fit it in through the front door


Enough booze to sink a battleship


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Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner




Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner


Sheldon was a shoe-brekker-inner

The only job he’d ever had

He charged a quid a mile, for brekkin’ in shoes

A trade that he’d learnt from his dad


He’d do brogues, or loafers, or wellies

In sizes from eight to eleven

And when times were hard, and work was tight

He’d even consider a seven


There’s a Native America...

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The First Man To Scab, And Go Back




The First Man To Scab, And Go Back


The loudest gob in the pit yard

Hand up, before any other

Omnipresent, omnigobshite

“Unite behind me brother”

Top dog, canine, lupine

The leader of the pack

The loudest gob in the pit yard

The first man to scab, and go back


The biggest mouth in the meeting

The first to mark his cross

Pseudo Marxist Communi...

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Great Aunt Nelly's Funeral Wake



Great Aunt Nelly’s Funeral Wake


It was a sombre, sad occasion

Great Aunt Nelly’s funeral wake

Relatives came from far and wide

All for Great Aunt Nelly’s sake

And some crawled out of the woodwork

Those we hadn’t spoke to, for years

A soupçon of genuine sadness

And lashings of crocodile tears

Anecdotes, and tributes

Stories, of Great Aunt Nelly

But th...

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The Smegroyd's Moonlight Flit




The Smegroyd’s Moonlight Flit



There was just too much week, at the end of the cash

The Smegroyd’s were in dire straits

Stan couldn’t ask any mates for a loan

Cos, Stan didn’t have any mates


Marline had diddled the didlum

So next year’s Christmas was spent

God only knows where the money had gone

Cos she hadn’t been paying the rent


The ki...

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I've Got A Better Car Than You



I’ve Got A Better Car Than You



Look in your mirror

What do you see

Bumper to bumper

You’ve guessed it, it’s me

In my big German car

The best in its class

Get out of the way

Or I’ll sit on your ass

Move it, and shift

And let me shove through

I’ve got a better car than you


And then in the carpark

Don’t you know it’s a race

I go in, t...

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Fred Floppit tries to save his reputation (and a pram)


Fred Floppit tries to save his reputation (and a pram)


When the Shrapnel girls got Kalling

They put the world to rights

With philosophy and politics

And talking bloody shite


Around a pram, atop Cesspit hill

They whiled the hours away

With idle gossip, and chit-chat

To pass the time of day


Thora Shrapnel was holding court

With her sister, and her ma...

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Army, Factory or Pit



Army, Factory or Pit   (Villanelle)


A corrupt careers master, who thought he was it

To a lad, just fourteen and naïve

Said your options are, Army, Factory or Pit


A master of nothing, who knew Jack Shit

The innocent will always believe

A corrupt careers master, who thought he was it


High on praise, acclaim and plaudit

In a position of trust to aggrie...

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Fred and Bullfrog Floppit



Fred and Bullfrog Floppit


It was a bloody sad night in The Feathers

Bitter melancholy, make no mistake

It was meant be Fred Floppit’s stag night

But it felt more like - a funeral wake


The landlord cried tears in his wallet

When he thought of the custom he’d lose

If Fred became hen-pecked and homely

And not spend all his money on booze


You see, Fr...

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brotherly loveheavy drinking

The Tallyman. (Old Septic Knuckles)



 The tallyman. (Old Septic Knuckles)



Shut thi doors, Tallyman’s coming

You could hear the townsfolk shout

Mek sure you’ve turned yur telly off

Pretend that you are out


Sneck yur windows

Nice and tight

Hush your dogs

Keep out of sight

Draw your curtains

Hide your stash

Tallyman’s coming

To tek yur cash


Old Septic Knuckles, th...

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debt collectorkippers

Coal Ash Maisey


 Coal Ash Maisey



Fingers gnarled like liquorice roots

Arthritic, bent and twisted.

Filthy blackened fingernails

Her crooked digits blistered

She stoops to rake the fire

An avalanche on the grate

Another burn on her pinafore

A sad, pathetic state

Consumed in ash from the hearth

A cloud both thick, and hazy

In her hair, and on her clothes

They calle...

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The Foundling


The Foundling



Frost hung in the air like glitter

A postie wore long trousers

An Arctic blast hit town, so cold

That the Smog Hill girls buttoned their blouses

A pin drop was like a crescendo

You could hear the rhubarb grow

When someone delivered that bundle of joy

To a doorstep in Grimstone Low


A duvet, and a Moses basket

With little kicks from wit...

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Grandad Slugshaw's recycling bin


Grandad Slugshaw’s Recycling Bin


Thirty-six empty beer cans

Carlsberg special brew

Each flat as a pancake

Squashed with his shoe

An empty pop bottle

Missing its lid

Theakston’s old peculiar

Three for five quid

Tesco’s basic bitter

Five bob a tin


In Grandad Slugshaw’s recycling bin



A cornflakes box

Asda’s own brand

Three empty ...

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Cap Badge Proud. (UBIQUE)

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Cap Badge Proud.   (UBIQUE)     by KJ Walker


In the local British Legion

In a little backroom bar

Sat four ex-squaddies, - Cap badge proud

As squaddies always are

Long since retired

Old codgers all, this geriatric four

A Sapper, a Guardsman, a Para, a Marine

And each proud of his corps


The talk tu...

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The Onklid [Pan Quercus]

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The Onklid  [Pan Quercus]


There’s a little known tropical island

Twix Madagascar and the Seychelles

Where the climate is humid and sticky

The land where the Onklid dwells


On this little known tropical island

Who’s name is Bally Toot-Toot

The trees grow lush, with thick foliage

But they never yield any fruit


You may wonder how Onklids survive...

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natural historyprimates

Shut Thi' Clack


Shut Thi’ Clack


Trish had been trying for years

To have kids with her husband, The Dope

But try as they might, they just couldn’t get it right

And she’d totally given up hope


Babysitting just isn’t the same

Though she loved all her nephews and nieces

But she felt so alone without one of her own

And her heart had been shredded to pieces


But miracles ar...

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The Black Pudding Hunt




The Black Pudding Hunt        by K J Walker


The great pork pie famine

Of nineteen seventy-one

When kids cried with hunger

And we all suffered, bar none

With no cod in the chippy

We ate old kipper ties

The villagers were all hungry

And missing those pies


They sent relief aid from Devon

When they heard of our plight

A 36 wheeler milk truck


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Jasper Slugshaw's Very First Date



Jasper Slugshaw’s very First Date            By K J Walker



The great smell of Brut, splash it all over

Grimstone Low’s got a new Casanova

Liberal deodorant, Africa - Lynx

‘nuff to make your eyes water, the way that he stinks

A new kid on the block, and don’t it feel great

Jasper Slugshaw has got his very first date.



Petrova Prim. From Joyville Hig...

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sequel to Grimstone Low






Sylvie was a comely wench. Fifty, if a day

Oh yes, her charms were obvious, and always on display

Dressed to kill, in leather and lace

A shapely body, bonny face

Her hunting ground The Royal Oak

She’d always find a younger bloke

A teacher with a lack of scruples

Never short of willing pupils

Life was good, the sex was hot

She was happy with her l...

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The Alcoholic Benefactor




The Alcoholic Benefactor



Philip liked a drink

Not many sessions were missed

He always paid into the charity box

A true philanthropisartist 

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Driving through Grimstone Low


Driving Through Grimstone Low


Ruth was a qualified driver

She knew her highway code

She never got distracted

When driving down the road

So when driving through a village

She knew to decelerate

Under thirty MPH

Call it twenty eight

That code is like a bible

Compulsory – not a guide

She knew it from cover to cover

She’d read it from side to side


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black humour

Nora's Irregular Gardener


Nora’s irregular gardener     by K.J Walker



I went to visit Nora

And her garden looked a mess

The beds were all neglected

I really must confess

She said “my gardener’s irregular”

So one thing I’d liked to know

Can’t constipated gardeners

Use a bloody hoe

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Fred's Little Problem


Fred’s Little Problem         by Kevin Walker



Fred had a little problem

It started with an itch

He’d worn through all his trousers

Cos he’s scratching like a bitch

So he sloped off to the doctors

Crestfallen, wracked with shame

The source of high embarrassment

His bum, it felt aflame.

The quack said “stick your tongue out”

“I’ll look into your mouth.”


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Keep it in the bedroom


Keep it in the bedroom.       By K.J Walker



Saturday night was football night

Jim was set to watch the action

A pint of ale, and a bag of crisps

He didn’t want distraction

Jenny sat beside him

All clean, fresh from the shower

She smiled her loving smile

And he returned it, with a glower

Keep it in the bedroom

That’s what she heard Jim say

There’s a t...

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modern romance

Brexit £.s.d


Brexit       £.s.d         by K J Walker


We all voted for Brexit

There wasn’t any doubt

So I wish they’d stop the fudging

And just get us out

But let’s not just stop there though

And I know that this sounds funny

But let’s go all the way back

To pre-decimal money



Pounds shillings and pence

Like in nineteen seventy one

The Bobs and Crowns and Ta...

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late night hospital


Late-night hospital.     By K J Walker



Late-night hospital

A and E.

Miscreants emerging

Plain to see

Triage nurse

Sit in line

Misdemeanours exposed

By symptom and sign.


Late-night hospital

One old chap

A certain appendage

Stuck in a tap

Highly embarrassed

What was he doing?

Face going red

Appendage blueing.


Late-night hosp...

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Theresa May


Theresa May


Theresa May

Make a Britain that works for all

Make our country strong

Choices for all, and social reform

Righting every wrong

Correct the “burning injustice”

Wherever it resides

Create a shared society

Fix unfairness that divides

Theresa May, keep all these vows

If given half a shot

Theresa May keep all these vows

And Theresa May bloody ...

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Meatballs I ordered, meatballs.

Now I’m grabbing for the water.

I only had one forkful,

One more than I oughta.

“Spicy” meatballs the menu said,

Clear for all to see.

So if I ordered, what I can’t handle,

Who’s to blame but me?


Meatballs I ordered, meatballs.

Not a volcano in a dish.

Bloody hell, me gobs on fire,

I’m drinking like a fish.


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We All Watch

We All Watch.           K J Walker



We all watch the violence.

We all observe the scene.

So does that make us guilty?

‘Cos we don’t intervene.

The big bold brute, with ruddy face.

The haggard, nagging wife.

The mewing brat, who cries and cries,

The first to lose his life.


We all watch the mayhem.

We sit and watch agog.

Who’ll be the next victim?


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  • 2017 - 2018 (30)

Recent Comments

kJ Walker on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Fri, 5 Jan 2018 07:03 am)

John Coopey on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Thu, 4 Jan 2018 11:57 pm)

kJ Walker on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Thu, 4 Jan 2018 08:19 pm)

Patricio LG on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Thu, 4 Jan 2018 12:44 am)

kJ Walker on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Wed, 3 Jan 2018 11:02 pm)

keith jeffries on The Mucky Myrtle One, and The Mucky Myrtle Two (Wed, 3 Jan 2018 10:13 pm)

keith jeffries on Embassy Christmas (Tue, 26 Dec 2017 05:05 pm)

kJ Walker on Embassy Christmas (Mon, 18 Dec 2017 10:55 pm)

raypool on Embassy Christmas (Sun, 17 Dec 2017 09:43 pm)

kJ Walker on Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner (Mon, 20 Nov 2017 07:09 pm)

Jon on Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner (Mon, 20 Nov 2017 06:19 pm)

Richard Hartley on Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner (Mon, 20 Nov 2017 05:21 pm)

keith jeffries on Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner (Mon, 20 Nov 2017 04:29 pm)

Beno on Sheldon the Shoe-Brekker-Inner (Mon, 20 Nov 2017 08:06 am)

Fred Varden on Great Aunt Nelly's Funeral Wake (Sun, 19 Nov 2017 10:54 pm)


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