If God were to come down Himself,

and wipe away all the pain.

restore every scar to its previous state.

undo every lie ever told.

What would be left of us?

How many of our dreams and passions,

are rooted in someone else’s bullshit?

Do you champion women’s rights,

out of a genuine concern for the plight they

face on a daily basis?

Or do you like to end your t...

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So much is lost

in our English translations.

The hurt feelings and damaged souls of our generation,

Cloud our eyes to the poetics of our founding story.

For “Adam” was made from “Adamah”

That being, “Humanity” was made from “The dirt”.

The relationship between

Man and Woman,

For “Isha” was named before “Ish”

That being,

While man may have indeed came first,

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I remember…

I know what it was like to discover porn at 10 years old.

I remember, being a middle schooler

with a bucket list full of sex positions.

To look around at my peers,

and think that was normal.

I remember, being in High school

During the height of the “Me too” movement.

Being bombarded with stories that made my heart

drop like a stone through my s...

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There are a good many

schools of thought

who believe in two opposing forces.

Good & Evil

Order & Chaos

Light & Dark

What if I were to tell you

I believe

In Love

& Structure

and the evil in our world is found in choosing one over the other

in either sense.

Love is the chaotic force in this world.

People will do some crazy stuff out of love.

But wi...

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Strength, by nature

Is not provided for our own benefit.

The stubborn may vie for what they desire,

The strongman may be able to move boulders,

But strength of character

moves entire mountains

and there is no room for boasting.

All substance, and no air.

Super clusters of Galaxies

Strung together by thin bands of space dust.

A scene eerily similar to the neurons

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Do not be fooled

Do not turn away

You have been given a sign that cannot be denied

Out of grace, you have not been abandoned.

God is still good

God is still the loving Father

The ones who end in hell

Choose that for themselves

by being stubborn

by being deceitful

by being arrogant

by being spiteful

The age of the Gentiles is not over with the rapt...

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I went to sleep last night

and prayed that I had tears back there to shed.

But there were none to be found.

I went to a party yesterday

and prayed for an opportunity to make some conversation.

But there was no thought in my mind,

I felt was worth sharing.

I’ve been back in school for a year now

and I prayed for dedication and success.

But there was no goal I co...

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It’s really tiring,

reading between every line.

As if people living their everyday lives,

somehow reflects on how they feel about me.

My thoughts circle around myself.

My actions circle around others,

and my addictions.

There’s no continuity

between the two.

Even if I could find something to want,

I wouldn’t know the first thing

about going and getting it...

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So…

I ran out of weed 3 days ago

and I’m going through, what I can only imagine

are with-drawl symptoms.

What do I do?

about this hunger for righteousness

that tells me I must mutilate myself

on stage, in front of everyone.

Just for people to listen.

What do I do?

about these waves of furry

that push and pull like the tide

every few minutes or so…

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I’m not sure how to do this…

to turn around from self-hatred.

to not despise this life of mine.

to no longer want to throw it away.

To realize it was never mine to begin with.

To be thankful for all that I do have

and to seek the flaws in my own logic.

not for self-pity,

but to reorganize my perspective

and see what I’ve had the whole time

and simply missed.

I...

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How can I think so much in just 20 minutes,

yet accomplish so little in any given day?

The one constant I assumed I had in life,

the speed at which time passed by,

now pushing and pulling like the tides.

If I believe my textbook,

and this must all be perception,

all I am left to believe in is my own insanity.

If this is somehow real, or something close to

...

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He is the one who sees it all.

The men who are just trying to feed their families,

among the ranks of the invaders.

The foxes who scour among the liberators.

He who raises up great thinkers,

and topples empires underfoot.

He sees the honest, among the arrogant.

He sees the isolated, among the popular.

He sees the righteous, among the rowdy.

He sees the merciful...

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It’s really hard to undo this

idea. That a safe space is where

nothing is expected of me,

rather

than a place where I feel loved

and valued.

To be so driven by the notion,

that expectation is innately wrong somehow.

Instead of a tool,

weaponized by the adults around me,

but not incorrect in itself.

A ball, full of potential,

can be anything

but not ...

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If we, as a society

rid ourselves of the natural consequences

of our own actions,

there will then no longer be any ground

for us to equally stand on.

What would become of our lives?

when we put on that headset,

and enter a world

where our limitless freedom

comes at the expense

of everyone around us.

When 100% freedom for me,

means 0% freedom for anyone...

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The fastest way to writers block?

The attempt to be poetic.

Beauty isn’t made,

it’s stumbled upon.

The strange and unexpected.

The old and mundane,

reorganized

and given new life.

The twigs grow new flower buds.

The grass springs up in a slightly new pattern.

Acquaintances become friends,

close friendships turn to new family.

A cycle of new life,

th...

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It’s just a rectangle

such a pretty rectangle

The vast array of colorful lights

arranged into images,

falsehoods,

of the real thing.

A portal into a separate, secret, little world.

I can do anything here

in my pocket dimension.

A vast library of human knowledge.

The engine driving it forward,

the gutter of civilization.

I can, in the span of an af...

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what is it I’m trying to do here?

“your poetry is beautiful”

“you should be proud of yourself”

If only I never hid away.

If only I was still 7,

then it would be acceptable.

If I had opened up back then,

I would have had people falling over themselves

to make me feel better.

But I’m a grown ass man now.

and no amount of complaining will do a da...

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The question I never stop asking.

What exactly is and isn’t within my control?

The question I will never answer.

Is my fate my own?

Is destiny, a reality?

I am in control of my actions,

at least in theory.

My work ethic is mine to command,

that's the rumor anyway.

But if I were to get up and do,

would it make any difference?

I feel so exhausted from ...

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Can I have a hug?

Can I not be pulled away from?

Can I be weak, and in pain?

Can I have any physical connection that isn’t sexual?

Can I not be afraid, of the casual flirting,

with the barista behind the counter.

Can I have a small piece of the love,

Shown between a girl and her friends.

She goes to embrace another she,

A group of besties, inseparable from each...

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There is no Easter Sunday without Good Friday.

There is no relief, if there is to suffering to relieve

These peaks of happiness mean nothing,

without the depths of despair.

There can be no connection to others,

without a clear and grounded self.

Hope can only take root,

from a place of hopelessness.

Love can only express its importance,

in the fa...

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It almost feels as if my mind has been handed over,

and made nest to demons.

If sitting alone, praying for enough anger to compel me to suicide

isn't a method of summoning,

I’m not sure what is…

But they have my mind only for a time.

I struggle, wrestle, with addiction and fear.

However, there will come a day

when this won’t be allowed any longer.

The circumstances ...

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The Rebel

The trouble maker

The one who undermines authority

the authority of the Big, Bad, and Evil

I wanted to rebel,

to turn away.

The rules in my life that constricted so tightly,

areas of my life where I was probably given too much room.

To rebel against God is something different

entirely.

To deny the laws that hold the universe together

has wildly ...

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On the surface, I look fine.

Swallowing emotion and putting on a face,

the fastest and most reliable reflex I have.

All you need to do is dig,

just a little bit,

to see that it’s all one big shell.

So why hasn’t anyone

figured it out yet?

Can I be more than this?

A hard shell,

with crumbling and rotting

scaffolding

holding it all together.

Stat...

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Can I tell you something crazy?

I believe in spirit.

No, not the Hollywood kind,

something far more sinister and subtle.

It can take many forms,

Spirit of deceit

Spirit of vengeance

Spirit of Lust

Spirit of apathy

You can summon them

You do not rule them

The only thing they can do is lie,

and maybe put on a nice light show.

But there is another...

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Getting better is as simple as getting up

and doing it.

Or, at least I think it should be.

Worrying about what I’m doing next isn’t helping

When I’m not doing anything right now.

A city on the clouds

Lined with golden bars and silver gates

The prettiest prison you ever did see,

The cloud 9 in the back of my head.

I sit here, and think, about how I

Sit here, ...

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I’m so hungry

I’m so tired

I stay awake and starve myself,

punishment for days of being a glutton.

I choose sleep for dinner,

a kitchen full of food in the next room,

because I have no idea what to do.

I come here everyday.

I get the same thing every time.

I write a new poem,

about the same old depression

I cling to

for reasons I’m not sure of.

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I talk a lot of game on these pages

but I can’t even sit down to work on

the one class I’m taking this semester

Such distain for the past,

Such resentment of my own choices

So angry at all the years that I have wasted,

I’ll waste months just trying to put it into words

Is it good, or bad?

That I put myself in the same boat

as the pleasure seekers,

the frat b...

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I want to split my head on a fire axe

I want to be found, dangling in a closet

I want to be a fine red mist on the front of a train

I want to be pulled in four by horses and rope

I want to be skewered atop a church steeple,

on display for all to see, as in the ancient days

I want to decorate my room with my flesh,

and turn my sanctuary into a meat locker

I want to...

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Read History

as if you were the perpetrator

and you will find,

how carelessness and apathy

add up into atrocity

Listen to History

as if the stories were your own

and you will find

even the best of us have things to learn,

trials to push through, and opportunities unearned

Know History

as if it was the back of your own hand

and you will find

raw huma...

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How does one find themselves?

Where does one make himself?

Can it really be this simple?

A fountain, that springs up from within.

A source of life that comes from within our own selves.

Pushed to your limits,

Unlocking the very potential of YOU,

Locked away in the DNA that is foundational to your being.

Would it not be simple?

Rather intuitive even?

If ...

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A hurricane of love and chaos blew through

my house this weekend.

Board games

TV shows

And 30 second attention spans

Hurt feelings and reconciliation

A cycle on repeat

Once every 30 minutes

It didn’t stay for long

But the cleanup is unbearable

The destruction left behind

From a whirlwind lasting 30 hours

So simple

So absolutely non-stop

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Please, just listen

I know what I say scares you

to so calmly and confidently call myself trash

Don’t speak up

I know you mean well

and you are right

It is not healthy to see myself as I do

but just listen

I don’t want to go anywhere, anymore

but an offhand comment

on how I really shouldn’t hate myself

will not undo 14 years of brainwashing

myself into caring so...

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I’m so completely depressed.

Any thought or action I could possibly take,

eventually comes to an end.

and I’m right back where I started.

Feeling completely hopeless, capable of only self-pity.

I’m so desperate to share my innermost being.

I’m so afraid of how people will respond,

to my circumstances.

The very thing I’ve tried so desperately to put into word.

Words ...

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Everyone’s got their own thing

In the bustling city

A place to go,

Work to do,

A conversation with someone halfway across the world to engage in.

An ideal to strive for,

A pose to strike,

A vibe to give off.

Begging for people to stop and notice,

My cycles of depression and sorrows.

So naïve to their own cycles,

of stress and pleasure.

Is any...

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“How could you?”

“What are you thinking?”

“You have no business being that angry young man!”

“Do you want to become your step father?”

anything to not be that monster

anything to not be like my mother either

My two states, lazy and angry.

I hate them both.

Turn it inward. Make it about you. It’s all your fault.

just as long as no one else is hurt.

...

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Cower in the corner, and reflect

on all the things I’ve never done.

Am I mute?

I can speak plainly,

so what stops me?

Curl into a ball and weep

at all the fantasies

that never came true.

My desperation to find a lover.

My desire to do and be nothing.

My heart pleading for something,

anything

A deep rooted fear of my own,

imagination

desires

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Why do you shy away little one?

What is it you are afraid of?

Are you not tired of this war of attrition

against your own desire for death?

You are not ugly

You are just as I made you

I have cleansed you already,

What else is there for me to do?

Stretch out,

Discover the full limits of the self you have been given.

In this magical and limitless world I have ...

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Suicide was my religion

I woke up every morning and called myself garbage

I went to sleep every night calling myself a coward

I was so absolutely furious that I was alive.

And so petrified that I might actually go that far,

should I ever put effort into my own abilities.

Clinging to life by my depression and sorrows.

I know no other life.

I know no other reality.

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My body, My choice?

Is sex not a two way street?

Does it not have lasting effects on your relationship?

Is your heart so calloused over, you no longer care?

For if two alcoholics split the bill on a handle of Vodka,

Are they still alcoholics?

So too, those who come together

in the interest of momentary gratification taken from each other.

Who use the human figure,

l...

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What should I write about today?

Damn if I’m not tired of writing about myself.

As good as it is to develop my story,

boy is it repetitive!

I would love to have some success under my belt.

If only I didn’t self-identify as an insurance liability.

my mind swinging back around to my past every chance it gets.

A pattern I seem incapable of breaking.

I tire of asking,

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Heed my warning,

those who are young.

Who still have their youthful vigor.

You who have lived in a world of deceit,

who’s contraptions held your attention,

and captivated your imaginations.

Who have lived lives,

balanced on the edge between good and evil.

Who fear no God.

For they will be given a sign they cannot deny.

Their reaction will determine their fate.

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Some say, it’s the Law. Made to rule over your life.

Some say, it’s a devotional. Flip open to a random page and find the perfect phrase

to help fight off your Tuesday.

Come, let me introduce you to a story.

The story of our world.

The scandalous claim of creation.

The paradox, of God’s faithfulness.

Come, and listen to the tale,

Of how God shattered every expecta...

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A crush on the Barista.

A tale as old as coffee shops themselves, if I’m not mistaken.

An old and tired one frankly.

This is her place of business.

I mean no disrespect.

I keep my mouth shut, for fear of other people’s bullshit,

derailing my own.

Latte art and conversation with strangers.

Oh, to have that kind of confidence.

Oh, to be that beautiful.

Couldn’...

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Who dares stand against him?

The crazy man with the Big Red Button?

He who has the nerve to use mutually assured destruction

as his footstool and yell, “Come at me you Cowards!”

Can all we do is sit back and wait?

Can any of us do any more?

It would only take all of us,

to decide the dollar worthless,

for Jeff Bezos to wake up one morning,

and be worthless

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Can I ask you a question? I want a strangers point of view.

I’ve wanted to die for as long as I can remember.

I have no idea who I am.

I’ve taken every anger and frustration, and turned it inward.

I’m taking life 20 minutes at a time.

I have the attention span of a goldfish,

a vivid imagination for the macabre.

I cling to other people for reasons token going,

and ...

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A sunflower?

I remember when you first called me that.

It caught me so off guard.

How can a sunflower bloom if it never faces the sun?

My stalk has hardly any structure.

I am useless against the trials of this life.

Bend enough, and you’ll break.

You went back to your last flower.

I don’t hold it against you, there’s history there.

I just can’t put it into word...

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cycles do not exist in one part

no one can simply revolve around themselves

meaning is found in relationship,

for what could 1 be without 2?

I am a brother

I am somebody’s son

I am a friend

I am a mind of my own

I am a man of God’s creation

You cannot shrivel away, and find yourself

for if you do not stretch the limits of self,

how are you to know where y...

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Come one! Come all!

To my house of cards!

It is I, the Ace of Spades,

the cornerpeice of this whole charade.

From me, every balance act is made,

and from me, the whole house stands.

Your chances are high!

Your odds, favorable!

Those lucky enough to draw a face,

the divine gift of symmetrical features,

blessed with the privilege of driving us into

the dirt.

...

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What is my heart saying?

nothing I’m not already tired of hearing

Make something new

Build something unique

Start from the ground up, no stealing…

A hug can only help the healing process, not make it

Can I even do this?

Am I even capable of success?

My previous accomplishments taunt me,

With the apparent answer to that question.

Nah, that ain’t me Chief...

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tick tock

Do I go? Do I stay?

For what purpose? For what use?

Am I really to believe these words on a page are to

Make any difference?

How do I feel?

What do I feel?

Could I even have the strength to be my own?

Even if I did, where would I start?

Can I even face my past anymore?

The deep abyss of my subconscious

calling back to me

“It doesn’t matter ho...

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Fear of what?

fear of who I am?

who I am called to be?

We have been over this,

You are called to be your full self.

So why are you afraid child?

why do you fear your own nature?

“I am angry”

You are passionate

“I am scared”

You are courageous

“I am resentful”

I will be with you

“I am alone”

I AM with you

“I am nothing”

Y...

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Day after day, 20 minutes at a time

A relationship, built on my failure.

A personality, built on daily minimal effort for myself

The relationship between my true self,

and the Me I try and project to the world,

IS my relationship with God.

As long as I have breath, He will be faithful.

As long as I have sin, I will not.

I reward myself with indulgence

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A kinship with the creator God?

what nonsense is this?

He who speaks and the stars form, wants me?

Who are you to tell me such things?

Who are you to say what I am?

Is my actions not proof enough of my worth?

Be rid of me, let me be.

For who am I to offer anything?

And who am I, the one who desires nothing?

and yet all the pleasures to be had in the meantime?

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Am I really alive?

my relationship with my daily toil

Stunted, Oppressed

by fears of maybe and what if?

the man I portray to the world,

The man that I really am…

Falling apart like a marriage long dead.

Divorce papers on the counter, just waiting for the final word.

The man I am

The man I decide to be

Always at odds with each other

The desires of my ...

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a lone tree, hollowed and rotted through.

the wind blows, the senses dulled.

the fires have long since passed,

the truth revealed in the glimpses past all the dead branches.

The promise of Spring can’t come soon enough.

my branches long for the warmth,

clothed in leaves and bearing fruit of plenty.

The day will come, there is no doubt of that,

but when?

But as ...

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Father. King of the heavens.

I am so enamored by your ways.

You are like the greatest gemstone,

Whose infinite faces reflect on all you create.

In the face of such complexity,

so tiresome to stand here in awe.

My soul yearns for you.

Yet my heart is so weary, my flesh desires rest.

to immerse myself in your words seems so cumbersome,

and my addictions weigh on me so...

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O, God, my God

So close to my heart

Yet so far away.

I have been blessed

Aware of the story you are.

Weaving.

All around us

Connecting the shadows

Into their vast array.

O, God, my Jesus

How faithful and beloved

How I long for the

Day and the hour.

I pray you guide me here.

My shepherd. I am lost.

I do not feel safe in my own

Flesh. Sacrificed, ...

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