We’d gone to watch it in a pub near Durham in April of last year.  We’d taken a cottage for the weekend to celebrate my 65th.  Jayce had been mortified.  It was the weekend of the big match and all his friends and family had got tickets to Wembley to watch it.  But we’d phoned the pub up and they’d assured us it would be on the big screen.  So we went.

The bar was almost empty when we arrived b...

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It’s Friday before Christmas

With God’s help you'll see through

The Saturnalian orgy of

The Office Christmas Do.

The booze flowed free and freely

The dancing not as good

We’d just been singing “Feed The World”

While scoffing Christmas pud.

Cassandra took her panties off

(What a sport she’s been)

I hoiked her for a photo on

The copier machine.

And ...

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(He lies like a cheap carpet)

Stupid Woman

“No, I didn’t say

‘Stupid Woman’

To Theresa May”

Stupid Woman We’ve all seen the TV clips

And it’s clear what’s on your lips.

“’Stupid People’

That is what I said.

’Stupid People’

On my lips is read.

’Stupid People’ Now I think you catch the gist

That I’m no mysoginist.

Stupid Jezza Why, oh why

Stup...

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And so this is Brexit

And isn’t this fun?

Ye Leavers have won it,

But what have ye won?

The deal of Theresa

Looks more like Remain

For all of your blather

Just what have ye gained?

Cos Juncker gave nothing

With Barnier as brusque

They dealt you a yarborough

And likewise did Tusk.

So you silly Leavers

Ye squawk and ye squeal

‘We’re still tied...

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I’ve got the hots for Hegerty

I think that she is Ace

Cos if I’d run her round the bed

I think I’d win The Chase.

I’ve little peccadillos

They’re naughty, I confess

To feel the crop upon my bum

Of Anne, The Governess

Old ‘Arry’s ‘e’s a lad awright

A geezer froo an’ froo

‘E managed once the Mighty Spurs,

So, Yes, I like ‘im too.

But Anne she is my ...

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This old man, Barnier

“I’ve got nothing, Treeza May”

With a nick-nack paddywack “I’m begging for a bone.

I need something to take home”.

This old man, just as brusque

“Bugger off” says Donald Tusk

With a nick-nack paddywack “I’m begging for a bone.

I need something to take home”.

“To your bunker back you go”

Jean Claude Juncker tells her so

With a nick-nack ...

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(Apologies to the Big O)

Just running scared

Of Tuesday’s vote

Shafted, ensnared

By Tory scrotes.

Just running scared

Forget pretence

The truth is bared

No confidence

Just running scared

You timid cow

Your blushes spared

Deferred for now.

Just running scared

You’re on standby

But be prepared

Your time is nigh.

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or THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE ARSE-'OLE OF THE WORLD

You don’t see many hitch-hikers these days.  Is it the fear of picking up or being picked up by some nutter, and is that any more risky now than it used to be?  Certainly, when I was a student, in the absence of Megabus, if you were travelling any distance, thumbing a lift was de rigeur.  There’s no question that you wouldn’t have wanted ...

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(How many "takes" at recording did I need for this?)

Ken Dodd had two dogs, you know,

“But just one’s left” he sighed;

A puppy and its father,

But Ken Dodd’s dog’s dad’s died.

It’s making Ken unhappy

His dog and Ken both cried

So now there’s just the man and dog

Cos Ken Dodd’s dog’s dad’s died.

But time’s the greatest healer

So when their tears had drie...

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(Not too early for a Christmas carol, is it?)

Boris Johnson has looked out

For his own ambition;

Grabbed the chance that came about

In a premonition;

“Here’s my chance” he thought, by Jove

Promptly then he legs it

Allied with that Michael Gove

“We’ll lead the charge for Brexit”.

Boris thus gets off the fence

As a Brexit Leaver

Pandering to wits more dens...

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No-one ever accused me of being a skilful rugby player.  Don’t get me wrong, I could catch, pass, even punt with a degree of accuracy.  But my contribution lay in other areas.  I was an unpleasant player.

I was never quick but relatively fit, so I played at loose forward, whose job it was to spoil the play of the opposition and ideally win the ball from any breakdown (preferably legally) and ge...

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(A visit to JTF's tomorrow beckons)

When times are hard at Christmastide and money’s truly tight

We’re here to target poverty and help you in your plight

Providing all those things you crave

Without the need to scrimp and save

Our motto which to all we gave

‘Thou shan’t go short of shite’.

We’ve snowmen that’s inflatable to 40’ in height

So perfect for your backya...

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There you go and, Trayvon, here am I

One black, one white, so one’s OK to die

No need to puzzle or to wonder why

Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.

Akai Gurney, Ford and Michael Brown

Eric Garner choked while on the ground

Just 12 years old but still they gunned Rice down

Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.

               There’s no use in you a cry-y-y...

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(A re-post. A duet for one - me- and homage to Lerner and Loewe's classic from Gigi)

We met at nine.  We met at eight.

I was on time.  No, you were late

Ah yes, I remember it well.

We dined with friends.  We dined alone.

A tenor sang.  A baritone

Ah yes!  I remember it well.

I waltzed so well.  I was a hunk.

You were a wimp.  You samba’d drunk.

You were just like th...

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I had a prostate biopsy as part of an investigation into whether I had cancer.  The symptoms had been suspicious – weak bladder, high blood PSA, blotches on the MRI scan.

When I went into the ‘operating’ room I was introduced to the male doctor and his female nurse.  I had been a little concerned about whether it might hurt a bit but when she asked me to take my kecks off my focus shifted onto ...

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My garden is shaped like a rectangle,

That’s 40’ 5” wide;

I’m wanting to concrete the length of it,

That’s 90’ long on each side.

I’m wanting to leave, though, an island bed

To sit in the middle of it;

It needs a diameter of 12’ 5;

I’ll fill it with plant pots and grit.

The concrete will need to be 4” deep

(The surface will need to be hard)

It costs £13/11/6

Plus V...

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No 1 is that Rees-Mogg

Look! He slavers like a dog

Boris Johnson is at No 2

No 3 his name is
David Davies

They’re all lining up to kick her in this queue.

No 4 is Michael Gove

What a prick, by Jove!

Dominic then follows in this queue

Lining up behind then comes

Motley leftie chums

Strange bedfellows together, them and you.

Queueing up today

To ki...

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(A re-work of that marvellous piece by Flanders and Swann, and inspired by a recent holiday to Madeira. And, hopefully, eliciting outrage from the luvvies)

When I was a young man my blood hot and red

My prowess was then at its height

It wasn’t a problem to get gals in bed

And pleasure them all through the night.

But it never occurred to me while at my peak

My powers would ev...

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(A re-worked re-post and homage to the Man in Black)

I hear that whistle blowing

The match comes to an end;

The backs are disappointed – we fatboys just pretend;

That final 20 minutes just seemed to drag

We trudge towards the touchline

For a beer and fag.

My daddy came to watch me

He said, “I’m sorry son

I didn’t see you with the ball or even see you run”

I ...

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The winter time’s looked on by gardeners with dread

The sun’s rays have weakened; it’s bitter instead

It’s then you appreciate having a shed

A retreat that warmer and drier

To sit by a log burning fire.

When temperatures fall into minus degrees

And frost hangs like glitter on evergreen trees

And ice in your water butt’s sign of the freeze

Then nothing compares to, by J...

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(John Keenan was, and probably still is, a drugs dealer. The drugs he dealt in, however, were unlicensed Indian Viagra. If you are not fluent in the language the audio will help. A re-post)

Thizza bloke guz daarnar pub – eelbi probly scoffin grub

Wi the chipsy eats ill never bea leanun

Oniz edizis trilbys sat, so eez knownuz “John the At”

Weeiz motto, “Icn getit” – eez John Keenan...

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(A blues in the slide guitar style of the incomparable Robert Johnson.  Played in open G on a guitar I bought at a car boot sale for £7 for parts.  It's much better value than my singing)

I took up with a woman; she was another man’s

I had it all before me – the world was in my hands

If you want to get them laughing just tell the Gods your plans.

She told me that she loved me...

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(A competition was held a few years ago to come up with a one-liner which encapsulated what it was to be English.  This was one of my favourite submissions.  I simply expanded it into a poem.  A re-post.)

I never cease to be surprised while we're on holiday

At the number of occasions that a French waiter would say,

“Hello.  What can I get you?” in perfect Ang-a-lais

How did he kno...

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(It's that time of year again. I hate it with a passion. And as for that thieving git Pete Seeger...)

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

Li...

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“I gave him enough passing space” I heard he’d later scoff

He didn’t give the cyclist, though, more room for falling off.

“But why on earth should he fall off” his barrister would state

Perhaps a pot-hole in the road; perhaps a lifted grate?

So read again the Highway Code as duty bound you are

It says to give the cyclist the same room you would a car.

Don’t take my word but ...

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I have an old man’s problem, which is disrupting me

That frequently throughout the night I need to take a pee.

I’ve had the usual prostate check – the doctor’s broddling thumb

Covered with such lubricant it slipped right up my bum.

Then MRI and biopsy each underwent with fear

The findings were most welcome, though; no cancer – I was clear.

But inconveniently the problem stubbornl...

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(A poem for Autumn. I hate bloody Autumn!)

The sun shines bright but thin today

But still casts shadows, if to say,

“Remember I’ll be strong once more

When winter’s chill has passed away”.

For as in summers gone before

The garden’s growth it will restore

To chit the seed and warm the beast

And once again be held in awe.

Then to the West and from the East

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(A tragic tale of unrequited love. A song stolen from me by Laughin' Lenny Cohen)

There was a girl that he adored

He planned to brag that he had scored

But we all know the bounder never got her;

He never got to climb upon

Cos Grainger went for Weasley Ron

She found his ginger features were much hotter;

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

He’d h...

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I first realised this mathematical fact

When I planned to purchase some tiles

Of course, I could have got various types

Of colours and sizes and styles.

I measured my floor up for area

And settled on 8 inches square

But this would require me to cut some tiles

Not an effective affair.

I then contemplated a different approach

After I’d studied a while

Would I ...

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(In the first book of his Warlord trilogy Bernard Cornwell posits a fictitious battle at Lugg Vale at which the warlord Arthur ap Uther, leader of the Dumnonians, defeats an alliance of other British tribes in order to unite the Britons against the invading Saxons. His success results, ultimately, in the defeat of the Saxons at Badon Hill, setting back their further invasion of Britain by some 50 ...

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(For those with long memories of this dire soap and with apologies to Laughing Lenny Cohen)

I remember it well, “The Crossroads Motel”

Your acting consistently shite

Giving my head through the script being read

A migraine that lasted all night;

But those were the days; I rode BSAs;

We watched on our screens black and white;

Your actors were poor, the walls and the door

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The dark was all-pervading with barely breath or sound

No place to be for vermin, less colliers underground.

They haunched beside the ripping lip, their cap lamps set to ‘dim’

And waited till the Chargie spoke, so soft and low and grim.

‘It’s here they say they’ve seen him glowing in the dark,

Floating outbye 7’s, his tortured face so stark.

He curses at his comrades as through t...

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In order to avoid all doubt I thought I better had

Re-post this piece which last time round made many people mad

Who bullocked through its irony and saw me as a cad;

So let me plainly state, “Don’t go Upskirting”.

It is not nice; it’s horrible; enough make you swear

And never mind Box Brownies – you shouldn’t even stare

And anyway you couldn’t in the case of girls who wear

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(We've all changed our minds about Boris from what we thought 5 years ago, haven't we? No longer the bumbling fool but now the self-serving politico that he is. Well, I haven't - I wrote this in 2013 as many of the references illustrate. I always had him down as biding his time.)

Who’s that biding in the wings?

Waiting for what fortune brings.

Rubbing hands for Cameron’s fall;

May...

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(Inspired by a question my neice asked at a recent family barbecue, "What would be the hardest thing for you to give up if the doctor told you you had to?")

My dietary appointment’s making me a nervous wreck,

It follows consequentially a previous health check.

The nurse will give me diet sheets with foods she will proscribe,

The list will be exhaustive and with drinks I can’t imbi...

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After 20 years in the coal industry I spent the next 20 years as a self-employed management consultant. It’s a fabulous way to make a crust.  Companies were paying me £500 a day to hear what I thought. The joke is that after 8 o’clock at night, anyone could hear what I thought for free, down the pub.
 

Happy days.

And I found it all rather easy.

The modus operandi was quite formulaic and...

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I’m getting to that point in my dotage where folks have started to notice a bit of deterioration.

I’ve always been not quite right in the head, so I have quite an advantage in reaching ga-ga before contemporaries of greater sobriety.

So much so that I don’t think it will be too long before my kids persuade me to grant them Power of Attorney – certainly over financial matters.  Indeed, I’ve s...

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“Brexit Means Brexit”

As if that’s enough;

“We don’t need a plan

We don’t give a stuff”.

“Brexit Means Brexit

Beware of expert men

They’re simply spreading fear

We’ll be Great again”.

“Brexit Means Brexit

Sod off to the Poles

And to the Romanians

We’re taking back controls”.

“Brexit Means Brexit”

We hear nothing new

“Brexit Means Brexit...

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(A true story)

I can announce to you today a scoop; you’ll hear first hand

And not subjective but with evidence – The World’s Worst Band.

And as the basis of this claim I cite a friend of mine

Who’d gone away on holiday in search of some sunshine.

But while he lay upon the beach the scallywags dropped by;

They broke into his garage and then stripped the bugger dry.

They m...

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Will Get Her Pension Same As Me

(A celebration of sex equality)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wants equality

It is the justice for which her sex will strive

She has pressed for changes in the law

For all the wrongs she’s fighting for

So it’s not 60 anymore

She’s got to wait to 65.

She now thinks this can’t be right

One more mysoginistic sl...

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(A re-post but you can't get enough of a good thing. Like gorgonzola)

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a molar).

Her mouth o...

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Everybody knows they’ve said “Goodbye”

Everybody knows it’s true;

He cannot keep his todger in his flies

But pops up the ladies’ flues.

Everybody knows he cheats and lies

He’s Boris – it’s what he will do;

Now though she’s cut off the marriage ties

(Shame it’s not his yarbles too!)

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Who could have seen it coming - his sorry turn-a-bout?

Humiliating climb-downs after months of holding out,

Despite face-saving caveats designed to mask the rout.

A train crash coming further down the line.

He rode the tide of Principles; “New Politics” he’d gloat

But saw that power hinges on the fickle few that float

So when the choice was “Principles” or loss of Jewish vot...

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I’ve always considered my body

A shrine or a temple of sorts,

Honed to perfection by exercise

Like snooker and other pub sports.

But lately I’ve noticed a blemish

To mar my immaculate bod,

So I’m starting to look like John Prescott

And less like a Classical God.

Besides being most unsightly

They’re open to much ridicule,

A feature that’s rather less welcome

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(Pat Boone would turn in his grave if he were dead)

You’d better go home Jose Mourinho

Your days in Manchester’s done

While you’re watching from the sidelines

With City scoring goals for fun.

You blame a lack of transfer money

For why you’ve hit a brick wall

But take a lead from Pochettino

Who’s bought nobody at all.

Jose Mourinho – What’s the excuse?

J...

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(I've always thought there was a gap in the market for a fusion of top-rate poetry and a medical procedure.  A travelogue of my biopsy to test for prostate cancer.)

They made me wear a nappy

(I wasn’t very happy).

They said I might be needing

A pad to catch the bleeding

Of later crimson stainers

Which seeped out from my anus

Which had become right sloppy

From my prosta...

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I’ve lost my pond fish twice now.  The last time was when an otter got in and cleaned me out of £1000-worth of koi carp.  I have unsightly wire netting frames over the pond these days to keep it out.

Previously, I’d lost all my fish to parasites.

I’d been fishing to a nearby pond and caught a few tench.  Now for non-anglers the tench is a handsome, green fish noted for the muscular fight it ...

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I’d spent the day at Birkin Pond and bagged a carp or two

On luncheon meat and sweetcorn and bread and maggots too.

But in a lull of action when quietude had struck,

The fish no longer biting, I start to read my book.

The day was warm and peaceful, so I began to nod

And unbeknownst to me a fish was tugging at my rod.

The saucy thing had spent some time nibbling at my meat;

It ...

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Be careful what you wish for

And take some time to think

It’s always wise; it gives you time

To step back from the brink.

Be careful what you wish for

Think through it while you can

You’ll find the consequences

Rarely go to plan.

Be careful what you wish for

My grandma used to say

The devil finds a thousand different

Ways to make you pay.

Be ...

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When folks are at work and the kids all in school

Two or three times we will bike, as a rule

From Christchurch to Bournemouth, then Sandbanks and Poole.

For most of the way it’s a ride by the sea

And easy and flattish for Our Gert and me;

We stop at the Chineside for cups of black tea.

Sometimes we have started from Hengistbury Head

Watching as tides between Mudeford...

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(Is he busy?)

 You look a 50’s-style beatnik

Appealing to modern day youth;

You set out your stall as a leader

Not frightened of speaking the truth.

They voted for you in their thousands

They thought that they’d got it sussed

A man who would speak for The Many

The man in whom they could trust.

But where do you go to, my lovely

When awkwardness raises it...

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(A re-post. With its provenance)

This was inspired by a colleague I worked with at the Coal Board who was a Colliery Personnel Manager.  One of his less enviable tasks was to make a home visit to break the news to the wives of miners who had had fatal accidents.  He made the most of a rotten job by shagging a number of them - “in sympathy” we would say.  He wasn’t without scruples, though;...

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The coastal walk from Keyhaven to Lymington-on-Sea

Is something like an eight mile hike - you’ll earn your cup of tea!

We’ve noticed every time we’ve walked its length, Our Gert and me

The harbour’s always half a mile away.

This is a strange phenomenon you’d think cannot be true

But when you’ve done ten minutes then the harbour comes in view

You’d think this can’t be possibl...

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I’m fully with the sisterhood on this, I have to say –

Breast feeding in a public place at any time of day;

So I was most surprised the lady made a big to-do

When I pulled up a comfy chair to get a better view.

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(Margaret Thatcher's lovely eulogy and tribute to the man who kept her in power so effectively)

Benn, the two of us need look no more

We both found what we were looking for

When I faced my darkest hour you helped me stay in power

So you my friend will see, you’ve got a friend in me.

All those times at Labour’s Conference

Causing rifts instead of congruence

With your ...

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(A re-post about disability)

She shuffles as she passes shops along the busy street

Her gait staccato, lurching, as she drags alternate feet

A group of young lads giggle and enjoy the sickening treat

And her dad beside her calls her “Little Elf”.

Her hands are clasped together, fingers crooked, white and thin

A face distorted apeing both a grimace and a grin

A tongue...

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(I am trying to recapture the form that saw my magnum opus "Upskirting" removed from WOL.  This seems to me to be equally offensive but was approved for posting once already in 2013.  Perhaps WOL was a little more sympathetic to irony then).

As you approach twenty-one

Get out there and start to have fun

But before you start kissing

It’s time you should listen

To a father’s advi...

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(I am trying to recapture the form that saw my magnum opus "Upskirting" removed from WOL.  This seems to me to be equally offensive but was approved for posting once already in 2013.  Perhaps WOL was a little more sympathetic to irony then).

As you approach twenty-one

Get out there and start to have fun

But before you start kissing

It’s time you should listen

To a father’s advi...

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I saw this news the other day

Blatedly, I’m sad to say;

An icon of these days the Lilly

Whites of Tottenham called “Gilly”.

An enigma among the crowd

Who’d never chant his name out loud;

But when retired Gilly’s name

Would echo in their halls of fame;

I’ve heard the crowd jeer more than once.

“You poof, Gilzean”. “Gilzean’s a ponce”

The Tottenham fans did ne...

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(My adopted solution to the rabbits I am getting in my garden. For anyone who thinks their meat is made at Tesco's, sanitised and plastic-wrapped. I’ve made one pie already and have two more dead ‘uns in the freezer waiting preparation. I do hope one or two snowflakes are offended by this)

Little Rabbit Fou Fou

I don’t want to see you

Dig up new laid lawn

Then hide beneath my shed...

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He’d never see his classic joke come true while he’s alive,

But mortal flesh may rot away while genius survives.

It nearly happened years ago in 1964

Perhaps this was his mojo,

                   “Forfar 5 – East Fife 4”.

But in the game the other day their cup tie was a draw

And watching from God’s stadium the ghost of Eric saw

The match go on to penalties; the score he ...

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(So we seem to have established that a very graphic poem about slicing up a woman, my last post "Minor Sin", was accepted by the Board of Censors but that my previous poem about taking photos up their skirts was not.  I wonder about this one, also previously posted with no objections, with its obvious superficial racism)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe an...

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(This one might be a bit of a poser for WOL. I have posted it three times aleady with no objection on each occasion. Presumably it is therefore more acceptable than "Upskirting".  Be warned; it is shocking.  But then that's the skill of language, isn't it?)

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in th...

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My little poem “Upskirting” 

Has been censored on here now;

It breached your Code of Conduct,

Though no-one’s told me how.

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This item has been removed by our moderator team because it didn't abide by our Code Of Conduct. Comments may also be deleted.

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To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

You may think the time...

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(prompted by my good friend Anne Staton who provided the idea and the best lines.)

You don’t need this affectation

To help you with your thought control;

Avoid it with more lubrication

Around your nuts and round your hole.

          Hey, Rafa!  Leave your crack alone.

All in all you look a proper prick with that ball.

Is this ritual just fixation

Like tapping dust...

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(This is, in fact, what Abba meant to say)

I had a dream

Of Harry Kane,

He leads the team

At White Hart Lane;

But now it is England that Harry leads

He’s led us to the semis by beating the Swedes;

Under Gareth Southgate we’re starting to believe

That we can win;

At last there’s really nothing England can’t achieve

With Harry in;

I had a dream

Our times come...

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Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

For Tottenham’s boys showed England how to play

Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

For Harry Kane and Dier and Trippier

They set new records (I’m not talking vinyls)

The goals of each 

Saw England reach

The quarter finals

Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

Thank ‘eavens for them all no matter where no matter who

Without them what wou...

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Things went so well on our first date

We dined by candlelight

We’d met across the internet

An Older Singles site.

The wine flowed freely through the night

And conversation too

We hit it off so well the we

Might start our lives anew.

But there’s a saying, though, that’s been

The joke and curse of Man

That if you want to make them laugh

Just tell the Gods y...

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I caught a glimpse of goatsuckers

At dusk the other night,

Appearing as twin phantoms in the

Murky forest light.

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(A song stolen from me by The Beach Boys, when they made “Fun! Fun! Fun!”)

He’s a great little guy and he plays for the Almighty Spurs, now

His speed on the ball is so fast, just a series of blurs, now

He’s the foil for young Harry that coach Pochettino prefers, now

And he’s called Son! Son! Son! - he’s the one who put the Germans away.

The fans throughout Russia are queue...

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(This original was stolen from me by Del Shannon)

When England need a talisman

The nation’s hopes to carry

We turn to one we know who can

That’s Tottenham’s captain, Harry.

Hats off to Harry

He’ll break their heart

He’ll take the best defence and shred it apart;

The Golden Boot

Is Harry’s when he shoot, shoot, shoot, shoots

Hat-trick Harry’s gone and hit the...

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We cycled today on the Brockenhurst Trail

That once carried passengers travelling by rail;

We left from near Holmsley around half past ten

(We’d biked it before and we’ll bike it again)

By tarmac the road was an easier travel

Than fighting the slip of the grit and the gravel;

But after a couple of challenging hills

That tested our stamina and biking skills

It’s on to the Tr...

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(Afficianados of the soft porn mags of the 70's will recall the Letters to the Editor pages. Letters were quite formulaic You pretended they hadn't been cobbled together by a roomful of middle aged hacks as you spanked your monkey but always had the phrase halfway through the story, "Imagine my surprise..."   Fiona Richmond was Men Only's shagnasty but I wrote this away from any research material ...

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(If you don't know who Lev Yashin is you soon will.  He is the "poster boy" for this year's World Cup. As a schoolboy who played in goal I wanted to be him. Everyone did)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/yashin

It’s commonly known a group’s drummer is never quite right in the head

And likewise a football team’s goalie, of which something similar is said.

And it’s opport...

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We sat in our garden – that’s Our Gert and me

And took home-made tiffin with cups of black tea;

The sun barely showed – a bright haze at the most

But its heat was pervading and cloying and close;

The breeze did its best to bring cooling chill

But the leaves on the cherries stayed stubbornly still.

A day to enjoy though the prospect might irk

Those who are younger and all out a...

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Don’t know why

You would think I would lie ‘bout

Stormy Daniels;

She just gave me oral and manual.

A big mistake of mine.

First finger pie

And then I’d supply

Stormy Daniels

With a snorter or two of white granules;

A big mistake of mine.

She drained me dry

With kinky sex I would try with

Stormy Daniels,

Her sister and two cocker spaniels;

A big m...

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Several of the formative experiences of my earlier years took place on Friday afternoons in the Admiral Duncan, Hyson Green, Nottingham.  The place would be crowded with blokes awaiting the arrival and subsequent deshabille of the day’s stripper.

A particular favourite of mine and many of the others was a woman in her late 20’s I’d guess, whose name has faded into the mists of my youth but whos...

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(Actually, we did both finish.  But you can't let the facts get in the way of a good yarn)

We did the Selby Bike Ride, Flatfoot Sam and me;

We thought we’d raise a bob or two for children’s charity.

It’s called the Candlelighters and worthy of our quids,

Supporting those with cancer – a horrid thing for kids.

The other cyclists looked real pro in Spandex they’d all have

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When I was made redundant after twenty years in the mining industry, I became a self-employed interim manager and did this for a further twenty years.

Interim management is, as the name suggests, what Rafa Benitez did at Chelsea – taking on a managerial role on a short-term basis.

The disadvantage of this is that there is no security.  After your contracts up, or even before sometimes, ...

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My eye was taken by a post about “Subversive Verse –

A Night of Edgy Poetry”; I thought I could do worse.

I found the place, I got a drink and paid the entrance fee

Then settled down to listen to this edgy poetry.

A bloke got up to waft his arms and thus began his rants

And followed up his diatribe with more that’s just as pants.

A second poet took the stage.  Let’s see what...

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Jojo was a man who thought himself as English

Despite his Caribbean past;

Jojo left his home in Kingston, Jamaica

And married a Tottenham lass.

Jojo paid in full his fare to board the Windrush

In June of 1948;

Jojo was invited by the Mother Country

Jojo simply couldn’t wait.

Jojo worked for 30 years on London buses –

A grafter he would never shirk

Jojo took a pride i...

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(I’ve always thought that literature lacked a fusion poem marrying a certain country and western singer with the achievements of Admiral Nelson and my Hampton.  This is my attempt to address this.)

I have a certain body part to which I’m quite attached

And as a Rear Admiral I think he can’t be matched;

So to this country singer this tribute I apply

So I call my willy Nelson cos he...

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Let me say from the off that I hadn’t paid for a haircut in thirty years.  Our Gert had always cut mine with a Remington set to No 3 all over.  The downside has been that I missed some young bint pushing her baps in my ears while asking me about my holidays.  There’s not quite the same frisson with the wife.  But the upside has been that it’s free, albeit a little vigorous and my head resembled a ...

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Our Gert’s and my combined age is about 120. I would reckon, though, that puts us about 30 years light of the average combined age of couples on this Caravan Club site. You can see in their faces what they’re thinking when we ride our bikes. “Young hooligans!”

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You say that we spun it (say we spun it)

That’s poppycock

We know that you done it (know you done it)

With your Novichok (your Novichok)

Cos it reeks of

Vlad All Over

It’s got

Vlad All Over

No, it’s not Sharapova

Of the Eastern bloc.

You authorised Skripal (Sergei Skripal)

But she got in the way

Assad gassed his people (gassed his people)

He’s your proté...

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(A reminiscence from my time as Verger at Selby Abbey)

Since I’ve been verger at Selby Abbey I’ve encountered, as with any new job, a bewildering volume of jargon.

Church jargon, though, borrows from centuries of history and is therefore richer still.

Today, for instance, I laid and relaid the Eucharist tray with its chalice, paten, purificators, corporal and ciborium.

The first s...

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He surely must now feel the heat

Or is he just in self-deceit

He’s under pressure that’s a fact

And yet continues not to act.

For example, Livingstone

It’s been two years with nothing done

Even Momentum pressed

He’s facing such unrest.

Has he lost touch?

He never does much:

Is he just a

Bag of bluster

Is he in a

Frightened fluster

He does nothin...

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We’ve got a brand new gadget, a proper Budget Beater

That’s saving us a fortune – a fitted water meter.

We don’t waste any these days, as once, I guess, we did;

The bill’s now not eight hundred pounds but just two hundred quid.

My garden’s watered sparingly from outside water butts

With rainfall I’ve collected from rooves on sheds and huts.

When once Our Gert would take a ba...

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Catch a cheating star who’s hiding in his pocket tape;

He thought he’d be OK;

He scratched a little scar on the ball you bowl in cricket

To help its flight to swing away.

But TV cameras caught his little con tricks,

To his surprise;

But if your ancestors descend from convicts

You just can’t help but cheat and tell lies.

Catch a cheating star who’s hiding in his pocket tape;

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(My daughter, the intrepid Samantha Coopey, and yours truly will be doing the Selby Bike Ride on May 13 to raise funds for Candlelighters, an organisation supporting youngsters with cancer. If anyone would like to contribute to this worthy cause I have opened a Just Giving page.)

Sammy, Sammy, we’re pedalling, me and you

The Selby Bike Ride and raising a bob or two;

The charity that ...

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A short Iron Age story

The mark was as sure a sign from the Gods as ever they gave.  It hung like a purple fruit from beneath the child’s eye to its jawbone.  When its mother saw it she screamed in anguish.  The father turned his back in shame and left the hut.

But whilst the signs of the Gods may be clear for all to see their meaning is not and as the Priest extended his hands to ...

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When wear and tear determines that your old belt’s days are done

(Perhaps the holes have widened or the buckle pin has gone)

So when you walk for twenty yards they drop down past your bum

Then obligation places

A need on sturdy braces,

But if you’re quite an active chap or handy just like me

You’ll find that when you bend and stretch the snap-ons just snap free;

One nearl...

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(Nothing on the page but a Nine Freight in performance)

Slowly - ever so slowly - inching on our way;

Destination Whitby, vivid Autumn day.

Scenery magnificent, weather matching too,

Clouds of alto cirrus, sky of china blue.

Picking up momentum now, further down the line,

Engine snorting like a mare in steady 4/4 time.

Leaning from a window, moorland coasting by,

...

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(In support of the sisters)

Raise your voices; sisters speak!

International Women’s Week.

Banish weakness.  Let’s be strong.

Time to right what has been wrong.

Linking arms in sisterhood,

Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.

Standing proud and standing tall,

The worth of one the strength of all

Yellow, brown or black or white

Joined together in the fight.

Join...

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I won a brand new jig saw in a raffle at a “do”;

I couldn’t wait to use it to see what it could do.

Then came the opportunity – we laid a hardwood floor

With planks to fit round obstacles – a chance to use my saw.

I made some silly errors but of a minor sort;

I gave myself 9 out of 10 to cut the story short.

But when the floor was finished it’s then that Our Gert saw

A th...

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(An oldie but a topical goldie)

As we crunched through snow together

In inclement Arctic weather,

I thought I’d bring to mind an Old Icelandic song;

There’s a saga of the Viking

That you need to heed when hiking

That “Pissing in His Boots -

Keeps No Man Warm for Long”.

In Nordic runes it’s written

That if your foot’s frost-bitten

Don’t fumble with your flaps...

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(And Who Forced Them To Get On It?)

“Come join me on my casting couch; come sit by me, m’dear;

I’m really quite avuncular; there’s nothing you need fear”.

“Oh, please sir, I remain unsure; I fear that isn’t so.

My mother always cautioned me, ‘The casting couch? Say No!’”

"You have no need to think I’ll hurt or harm you. Lordy Lord!

It’s just a game of dice we’ll pl...

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“We’ve tears still to be cried at night; we’ve hands still to be wrung;

The pain is now and ever for the grieving of our young

Your talk of “thoughts and prayers” sticks like bile on our tongue.”

As every white boy redneck in a truck or on a farm

Brandishes a metal penis nary care nor qualm

And bellows his assertion on his right to carry arms.

“Try not to be so sel...

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