Nicola Beckett on BANANAS
2 hours ago
I’m a ghost in this house,
Someone forgot to open the windows to let me out of here.
I search for an exit every second I can.
If someone could just help me, help me break out.
I don’t get it,
Why’d they leave me here..
These fucking rooms don’t hold my secrets anymore,
They’re on the table for everyone to see when they come to visit this empty house,
Sunday 4th August 2019 7:11 pm
The ground is moving without my feet tagging along.
I get dizzy at the thought of having to think about the different things filed inside my head.
Every reason to be upset is filed away in the “FORGET” folder, and that is located beyond the point of no return in my mind.
The things I wish I could forget keep coming to me in waves.
My feet are moving beneath me one second, and t...
Wednesday 23rd January 2019 3:15 am
My hope is that one day I can wake up and not feel like shit.
I wish I could wake up and be excited to start my day instead of dragging my bones and convincing myself in my head to learn how to breathe again.
I yearn to make a difference on this cold heart of mine, and to learn how to love myself as a human again instead of an object that is so easily breakable.
I want to be stron...
Thursday 18th October 2018 5:09 am
My hopes stay at an all time low.
Low as the ocean floor,
Low as the standards as those with no motivation,
Low as 6” feet under of a man with no silver lining.
With little to no hope, there is no hurt.
No hurt is equivalent to being emotionless and lost in all cause.
And in the middle of all emotion and cause, you will find my hope.
Thursday 11th October 2018 4:33 am
After a few weeks,
I have finally laid down tonight and cried.
I have finally completed step one of being strong.
Let the tears fall.
Saturday 6th October 2018 7:07 am
I came across a picture of you today.
With eyes as big as the stars, and as dark as the night sky.
At one point in my life, you knew me better then everyone else.
I have created a goal to carry your silver lining around my heart until I feel as though I made you smile at every one of my accomplishments.
I am sure I have made you frown more times then I can imagine.
Whether it b...
Wednesday 26th September 2018 4:59 am
As my toes were pressed against her windshield, I saw the heat of feet outlining slowly as I breathed in and out.
Assuring me that I am human and I am alive.
Sometimes, it is the little things that make me realize those types of things.
As the windshield began to get warmer, the outline faded away and so did the little outline which once gave me a sign of living.
Assuring me th...
Monday 27th August 2018 4:18 am
I have given the word “wrong” it’s meaning.
If you would like a picture of what “wrong” looks like, I am it.
I do everything wrong.
All the pain I feel is because of me.
And apparently all the pain she feels, is also me.
I have given the word “wrong” the power to embody me.
I have given the simple five letter word the power to make me it’s slave.
I am filled with great ...
Thursday 23rd August 2018 1:46 am
The love I have for such a sweet soul is so immense the feelings linger in my stomach,
Causing the feelings I have to feel like literal butterflies dancing around between my ribs,
Such feelings are addictive.
I never want your love to run out.
Monday 20th August 2018 11:34 am
My heart is heavy.
It causes me to feel pain in places I would have not thought could be in pain.
It beats fast and quick, at times my breath feels like it co-exists with it.
For a moment, the pain goes away, and then it comes back.
The heaviness within my heart causes my legs to crash below me.
My heart is my worst enemy, but at times it is the only thi...
Monday 20th August 2018 5:18 am
How easy it would be to forget the memories held captive in my brain,
Memories that whisper quickly in the back of my head when all the noise around me stops.
“Memories,” so surprisingly immense I can almost taste the place they have kept me trapped in.
If I have any sort of hope to find a home, I know I need to be strong enough to break through the metal bars holding me dear to their h...
Tuesday 14th August 2018 3:18 pm
She is fading.
Her eyes used to be a color that seemed as if it never faded away.
Her pupils large and full are now small and tiny.
Her cheeks soft and smooth are now puffy and sad.
Her lips full and beautiful are now chapped and ugly.
Something so beautiful turned so ugly..
She looks in the mirror and does not see who she once saw.
I am fading.
My pupils large...
Tuesday 14th August 2018 1:04 pm
Half of my heart is up there in Heaven.
I wish they would give it back to me.
Sometimes I think they need it more then I do.
But they don’t understand that I need my heart to get through the pain they all left me with.
I’m down on Earth with half a heart.
And they have the other half.
I need it more then they do...
Friday 10th August 2018 4:14 am
I never knew love hurt like this.
To say that I am over you is a mistake waiting to happen.
The words come out of my mouth and there you are, pulling me back into your arms as if I’ve been there the whole time.
I live my life without you for twelve hours a day and the other half is spent thinking about you.
All those wasted thoughts of you.
No more expectations, you have taught...
Wednesday 25th July 2018 11:39 am
I have been infatuated with your smell and sweet perfume for 2 years,
2 years have I been burying my nose in you like I am planting a new flower.
A flower in which I feel I know so well, because I am the one who gave it the chance to continue growing.
I was unaware that this flower would grow to the point that it would develop its own smell.
A smell I was entrapped by, and that was di...
Wednesday 18th July 2018 12:02 pm
The phone call was somewhere between 2 am to 3am,
His voice was shaky and full of sorrow as he told me my best friend was taken from this Earth.
Drug overdoses are never easy to cope with, considering you never know someone’s true intentions as to why or how it happened.
It was all too much in such a small amount of time.
It felt as though while you were speaking, my heart of th...
Sunday 24th June 2018 6:51 pm
Telling someone to be happy is like telling them how to ride a bike with no training wheels.
I’ve been told how to be happy for 18 years of my life.
No ones ever taught me how to do it for 2 years now that I am 20.
I want to put my training wheels on but life is so short and passing me by.
I no longer have the screws to tighten them back on.
Wednesday 30th May 2018 5:32 am
I am a hopeless romantic.
Hopeless but romantic.
Is that a thing?
Expressing love in such a hopeless way, that love looks like plain white walls surrounded by nothing but darkness.
It’s a light at the end of a dark tunnel.
A cigarette burning against black gravel.
Candles burning in a dim lit church.
That’s what love is like to me.
I hope one day you can see it....
Sunday 27th May 2018 12:46 pm
Tight embraces were never my thing.
I hugged you, you smelled of regret and heartbreak.
You smelled so good and somehow the smell made my eyes start to water.
As I was walking away I almost felt like I was helpless.
I’ve become trapped;
Within your smell, I was helpless.
Thursday 12th April 2018 7:49 am
I’ve watched you turn your back on me time and time again, I thought you could only rewind movies.
I was living in one you never wanted to be apart of and yet I continued filming you and you kept hiding.
Now i’m stuck pressing rewind on a bunch of blank movie tapes. Because of you I fucking hate going to the movies.
Wednesday 11th April 2018 10:09 am
You were holding my hand,
I couldn’t help but notice how lose your grip was around my wrist,
Your hand was so soft,
But I loved you,
I felt your warmth by one breath in,
Then you let go of my hand,
and I’ve never loved since.
Tuesday 3rd April 2018 12:45 pm
With all the hope and envy in the world, I saw the most in your eyes.
You loved life but yet hated the outcome.
You loved brown eyes but yet hated what you saw in mine.
You loved me but yet hated how much you did.
You loved to hope but hated to envy -
Yet you did.
Friday 2nd March 2018 9:05 pm
You took my skeleton out of my body and molded my spine to stand straight.
With your skilled hands you took me apart and put me back together, like you had done so many times.
In one piece, after so many years - you taught me what it was like to stand alon
You sculpted my wings in perfect likeness of yours.
With each feather, you gave me hope and confidence.
I was an angel -...
Friday 2nd March 2018 1:17 am
I listened to your every word, as if we were sitting in the pew on Sunday.
Worshipped your word and your advice as if you were preaching the gospel.
Then I grew up and realized the faith you were preaching was all bullshit.
You left me and took your blasphemy with you.
You left me a sinner, with no gospel to believe in.
Friday 2nd March 2018 12:21 am