I haven't been myself

For quite some time

I think I was lost in the last of the grounds

I tossed out of my tin cup years ago

But for some reason I kept wondering

If there was something more

Mixing in the grass

The dust of the past

Of the person I thought I was

So many loops to return to what I spurned

To what had faded as my desires burned

And now I have it dusted ...

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A country is its people

The government just another hobby

To pass the day along

We forgot that gods were just a story

That all have their worry

How we build

Is how we move

How we fail

Is doing nothing

You can build walls with rubble

And even if they knock them down

The rubble is still there

To build up again

Freedom is to walk on by

Head held high

Despi...

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I just wish I could see which way to go

This fog is so thick and breathes like smoke

Nothing but nonsense rattling in my head

Tears are too easy to matter if shed

My whole world a spiral down these narrow canyon steps

So easy to fall and never feel the stress

But I still go slow and keep my arms out for balance

Fingers tracing dust that sparkles in silence

I tell myself one...

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Going through old papers

Writings, notes, and work

Photos that never made frames

Projects and coloring books

Where has the time gone?

How does so much fit in one box?

Why should I cry so much?

Not so many lost

A picture of fourth grade

All of us so small

I can remember the predjudices

The love and hate and brawls

To think of those times as complicated

Childre...

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Time to drift along the way

Shores are cloudy and bristling day

I don't ever know where the light will filter through

But it does and I smile at it's golden hue

There is always brilliance to remind

That hope eases pain with time

Every memory becoming a gilt refrain

Shuttering the grey of sadness 

I feel the colors bloom

Each petal full of room

For love that never ends

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He told me to tie a knot and hang on

I've been trying that for so long

I don't know how much strength I have left

I don't know if I can keep my grip

The canyon below is beginning to glow

To look awfully alot like going home

So I shut my eyes and hold on tight

But my hands are growing old

My fingers always so cold

Just hold on

Hold on

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Repeating themes

Running dry

I might seem hard

But I'm mud trying to pry

Between the cracks

Of the pavement that wrecks

The nature of my mind

Repeating my lies

Feeling the hives

That burst from the guilt 

Of my disappointed side

I don't have anymore pride

A lump of flesh

Waiting to die

Wanting to remember

The reason I had to try

Somewhere in there 

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Once a woman told me of a fly in Alaska

Who wanted the sunshine though it meant death

A metaphor for God holding us back

For our safety from the derelict path

It probably made God laugh

God does not hold us with his hands

We are his hands

God does not guide our way

We are his way

Created in his image

Likeness

Self

We are not his little elves

We are not dolls ...

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I've never really wanted to know how to fly

I knew how it felt

And that got me by

And that's what keeps my self in check

Knowing what I know is not the best

And he'll keep playing that sad, sad song

And I'll smile and cry and sing along

Easy was never meant to be

I'm better for it

I know

I see

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Nothing original came to mind

To begin this poem about the march of time

I could only see cliche phrases

Between the feeling I wished to play with

And what can I say

That hasn't been said

Not an original thought in the madness of my head

But I have to bleed this feeling out

This frustrating pressure of weeping clout

There's so much concern about who says what

Who tell...

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I don't know anything

Is that how this works?

I am completely lost

At odds with every guiding post

I keep shifting between storms

Every wave almost rolling me over the edge

I just don't understand

I can't imagine

Can't fix these broken rigs

I'm gripping the chains

Screaming into the torrential rain

Even my head can't hear my voice

This was too much

I should h...

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I'm pretty sure I'm almost there

Where I need to be

Where I'll settle my neurons' meddling

Into happy sincerity

Letting it go and flow and know

I'll not be sunk in that darkened oak's glow

I'll be past the monstrous lack of control

But never will I forget the haunting 

Never will the scar disappear

But I'll see it there

A reminder of my self-centered despair

My per...

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Working in the heat wipes my brain

Tired behind eyes and deep set faint

But a goal was met

With maybe mild complaint

And after the tea freezes

Poured over ice as I sink

Into my green chair 

Worn as my feet

But the sun is shifting down

Relieving the heat

And one more job

Is crossed off my week

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Cool summer morning air

Rifling through my hair

More than I can bear

This beauty breathing in my skin

I see my mother in my reflection

Love is endless

It loops and whorls

And this briskness

Sets my easy grace

The Agony is it never dies

The Ecstasy is I don't want it to

This life is mine to love

Whatever I may choose to do

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Remember now, television prowl

You can't take some things to the theater

Truth, now, how important?

How important is the story to the real?

Myth, now, that's the power

Every mortal turned demigod on the reel

How important

How important

How important is this to me

How important

Soaked in blood

Souls sold down the stream

Art is art

However bastardly misbegotten

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There's a hurricane a'blowin'

Not just in the streets

I wish I stayed out of trouble

I wish my mind would let me

What is a thought that never goes away

That never lets you have your silence

Your peace or your way

I'm glad the winds are in turmoil

It shows me it's also the world

Not just these twisted, caffeinated knots in my chest

What's the reasoning if not wanting w...

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There's a millions ways to be right

And a million more to be wrong

A million ways to be trampled

And a million ways to run

And every choice everyday

Creates the turn, turn, turn

Million ways to weigh

What you've been and what you've done

But what is right now

What is right here

That is all my eyes care

To see with what I hear

And every stumble over every brick

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It's getting dark and everyone will be back soon

An afternoon alone for the first time in I can't say how long

Home feels different when it's empty

Still full of the remnants of all their energies

I feel the calm that settled upon me

I took out the dog barefoot 

The grass was such a sweet song beneath my feet

Each blade a kind word to ease my nerves

And I got to see the ora...

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Today I am tired and it's nice

My body so worn my mind is ice

And so no thought but what action is next

Pick up write down climb these steps

Maybe I'm a wreck

But I have today 

And any disappointment will wait

I just have to ease my time

It so likes to quickly run by

Just a little more time

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This morning spent catching up on letters

Formed into words and sometimes pleasures

Peace in the deep mocha of my cup

Peace in the light streaming 

I perched and read then cleaned myself

And the simplicity of morning 

Wrapped itself around me

What days have I created

To pursue mourning

Instead of this easy, peaceful ritual

I guess I can let go

All travels in the wi...

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Now it's time for a laugh

Because there's always time

Time to ease the corners up

Curve the lip and tip the smirk

Try not to look too much the jerk

Try to let it slide smooth

Not chatter and twist and break in two

I don't know what to do

My imagination is dust

My creativity rust

And I must, must, must keep going

This is everything I can manage to be

Better even ...

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I don't know how to describe this day

Tired and sad and shoulders ache

But still moments of sweetness that made it okay

The joy of fixing small, broken things

The joy of my child choosing to read

Tupperware full of a rainbow of veggies

Beer chilled and helping me mellow

The love of my life making me smile

Our hardworking kids making me proud

I'm so grateful for what I ha...

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There was never a thought of being greater

A constant battle to just maintain balance

Every day that passes away

A marker of achieving life in page

Never wanting more than love

Never wanting more than fun

Blinded easily by any competition

Not a bone that wished to pass them by

Why? Why? It would have been so much easier

For me to want to be superior

As often it did cr...

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Delirium comes quick as the skyline splits

And the sun burns over the horizon

I could not sleep

For wanting to weep

So many dark corners widened

But as I slipped

Through the dark roads

Your message so sweet made me smile

That's why it's you

It'll always be you

No matter what winds come unbidden

Always my choice

Never a choice

Because we're what is written.  

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I know myself too well 

To even try to control how I feel

Instead I control my actions

I control as best as I can reel

In the pounding in my chest

The fire in my limbs

The desire betraying every longheld wish

I never wanted to puppet

That's just what I am

What I wanted was deeper

Something I refused to plan

And every moment was loss

Every risk a dare

And all ...

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What is each passing moment

But a reason to remember the good of the view

I cannot cling to what I knew

Because it all turns yellow and softens

I know the truth of my heart

That rotten stinker of a sarcastic lark

And I know as each day turns dark

I find myself closer 

What it is I can never tell

Mystery of mind chopped and felled

But ever as the seasons turn 

Ever ...

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People are too afraid of their mistakes

Too afraid of the honesty of error

Too blinded by their heroes to see they are just men

Dedicated to the cause at the detriment of their clan

Our errors are just tasks

Ways to learn from actions past

Be not afraid of your imperfection

It is your commonality with man

Strive for what is noble and beautiful

And know that it is a goal ...

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I am not the kind of person to be happy with myself

That's why I tell others not to be so hard on themselves

Because I can see the muck beneath my sheen

I can see how useless I really am to the scheme

And it's what I want, which makes it worse

I just don't really care to achieve

But my failure affects others and for that I feel shame

I like to temper my meaninglessness with ho...

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What do you do about pain?

Where can it go that isn't blame?

Is that why it is harder to forgive than to hate?

Is that why we stew at our own malfeasant pace.

Why would we forget about the pain?

We felt it, we earned it, everyday it paints

Our existence in red, black, and blue

What would we do if we stripped all those hues?

What could we do?

Forgive the worst to work tog...

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I remember that floral scent

Grey upon gray and onward bent

Circles bright to see our say

Games on paper games we play

Blissful movement towards a goal

Memories seated in class- ordered rows

The words were new the time unknown

But I wanted, so wanted to know

And now I know

The words are mine

They are bearers of newer times

I sing my own stories with notes

That o...

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Every cell floats away

Gravity released without a care

And I reach to keep me here

But what is here that doesn't start to wear

I don't want to be tired of fear

But what can be expected

Every grain before my eyes

Never seen in brighter sides

I bring them in

Every molecule of sin

Every scratch that left a scar

Oh my sensitive, little heart

I want to be made of iro...

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I didn't understand

You usually don't when you're 12

Just lyrics offhand

You don't think it's your future

But prescience comes in many forms

Many mouths, many words

Tunes and chapters and metered verse

Written in stone and carries by hearse

Live by the sword die by the pen

Scoff and scold if you think of when

Only forward, one now at a time

Dust in my eyes, feet a'...

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I've been dreaming

Of a lost Christmas

A matchbook girl upon the stair

The world around

A world calm with ease

Where even death

Was to please the peace

What world we see

Our bodies in shock

There is no long in this world

Except for when we forget

I will never forget death

Every child deserves a home

It is the adults that fail

Make excuses, have parties, si...

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I have an acorn in my hand

I am curious as to what it will be

Will I grind it into flour

Will I plant it in the ground

Will I throw it to be gathered

Will I keep it safe and sound

What does the acorn want?

Does the acorn even want?

How will I ever know?

It will not respond.

It is my choice, then

Use, grow, throw, keep

It's always my choice

My universal affect...

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My God the world is what it is

We are all imperfect

In fact, we're downright mongrels

Idiots, narcissists, drama queens

Why is it so important to be right? 

Just see what is in front of you

Madmen, hungry with power, twisting the screws

They hate us cuz they ain't us

And how cool are we?

Poor and afraid and meek

There is no division

We are all obscene

We all mak...

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Want to disappear

Deep into the stars

Slicing through and bouncing 'round

Find a reason and a sound

Find a girl at her desk

Pushing pencil lead into styrofoam

Dripping makes the sphere

A drop and we're all here

In this room together

Carpet moss and hair feathers 

If I sing loud enough will the universe hear

Just stop and think before you move another step

My hat...

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Maybe in twenty years I'll see

My utter ridiculousnessary

I'll smile at the joke

My ignorance evokes

It will be a smile

Smeared in lines

Wiggling jowl

Maybe I'll howl

Alone in the car

Or blinking at stars

Wherever my folly finds my life

Wherever I am my eyes burning bright

Whatever will forgive and place itself

Neatly upon its littered shelf

A piece fit ri...

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Sometimes the idea will come and hum and hum

Until my mind no longer ignores the thrum, thrum, thrum

But man there's light in just wrong line and

I need to tidy up that side and slide

A little over there

What's that stare

Means nothing

Nothing

What did I say

Break away

Forgotten my say

1980

Slice

Not my finger

Theremin

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I hear that strain so loud in my mind

Pushing visions clear and wide

And I'm not sure the world I live in

Exists except to my decision

I want the blur to be so bad

I want what ribbons beg

I have the mind of feeling empty

Waiting patiently for the word

I'll never capture as I fear so weakly

I am too soft to stir the world

I had to convince my guilty heart

That tranq...

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I am not religious

Organization has always seemed like doom

My piles of useful materials

Add color to the room

But I have read the Bible

An odd collection of words

Ezra was just mediocre

Not what I'd consider good

The New Testament, though

Is what saddened me the most

The first four books were cameras at a fight

Each with its own angle and host and lights

And af...

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Time is quick to remind me

That I just play at joy

Nothing strong and reliable

A quick fix ploy

Yet stubborn I push onward

I worry as an oar through the sea

That's turned thin and moldy

But it's fine to me

I would lay in this boat til death

I would lay with you

Nothing has ever torn me away

Because nothing will ever do

More than what you mean to me

Even in th...

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I walk always with a sword across my back

Poison in my voice warns of the lack

Of concern because I can't be concerned

I can't really care

I can't really learn

The extent of the destruction digging through flesh

To produce a world that fits the abyss

I can't take it seriously because I am a coward

I don't want to hear the pain they cause

Because it's always hurting, for ...

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It's weird that I should feel so dark

But instead have found lightness in my heart

I feel there's hope and I don't know why

I feel happy and willing to try

And maybe this all was just a personal quest

To rid me of forces that wished to beset 

My heart and my mind and my wishfulness

And now that I am sitting to rest

I find I don't miss what had seemed important

And I don'...

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There's something about the sound of the rumbling train

Etched with metal into the middle of the day

Infused through the walls to rattle my veins

A comforting pillow for an aching brain

I always loved the sound of trains

Crossing traffic in the dark streets

Graffiti a tale of color and change

On tanks and cars and piles of metal chained

And twilight at trailers of half-know...

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The potion works slick and slides down the throat

The feel is the boon if not the goal

Why would I ever feel wrong?

I want to be, it would be better than songs

Played then forgotten with only the wraith of melody

Flooding the heart and crisping the memory

Making the world a shadow locked

Between the freedom and prison of thought

And what could I ever know right

What coul...

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