Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon (2019, Saturday Rhymers Club)
I'm having a fling with a fantastic forty-year-old fat female from Farnborough. She's friendly, fun-loving and feisty. I'm fascinated by her full figure and the way she fills out her frock. We indulge in frenzied foreplay, we fornicate frantically and play find the fingammibob.
Unfortunately I am forced to finish the affair as it's costing me a flipping fortune. She's frequently ...
Saturday 5th January 2019 8:17 am
Remember Emergency Ward 10 from the early 60s? Nurse Young, Dr Dawson, Sister Doughty. They never used the definite article did they? (Still don't.) They would say 'nurse will give you a bedbath' or 'doctor will be doing his rounds shortly'.
Sister Doughty was my favourite, immaculately turned out in a dark blue uniform with white trimmings. And she was very slim...not like today's lot who wadd...
Saturday 15th December 2018 12:01 am
My wife doesn't move very much
when she's watching the TV at night
I supply the occasional coffee
to provide much needed respite
Set in a self-induced coma
she's not really lazy as such,
just fixated on life in The Jungle
where they also don't move very much
I can't extricate the remote
held tight in her vice-like clutch
so I'm forced to watch what she ...
Saturday 8th December 2018 12:26 am
We were up on the hills
She had gone very quiet
I instinctively knew that the time was right
I kissed her with passion as a lover might
I took off my shirt
Her nostrils flared
I ran my fingers through her golden hair
We gently made love in the open air
The encounter was brief
with minimal foreplay
I spoke to her softly; she had little to say
Saturday 1st December 2018 12:10 am
I hope you are very well.
What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.
Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.
Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...
Saturday 24th November 2018 12:15 am
Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill
took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.
But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking
didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.
Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.
Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.
Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...
Saturday 17th November 2018 12:04 am
As they waited
his eyes surveyed the room
at all the things she'd amassed,
so recently risk assessed.
She'd become a virtual prisoner
in the house she'd strived to own.
The house she'd made a home
was now a source of danger for her.
As he wheeled her out the door
she asked how soon she'd be back.
Couple of weeks he lied.
He felt his stomach churn.
Saturday 10th November 2018 7:47 am
As always he was relaxed and confident,
smiling, and with good reason - he always beats me
My normal strategy is damage limitation
Today was different, I had motivation
I hadn't played for a month
I was feeling good, no aches and pains
I had a new racquet with tight strings
I had new tennis shoes
I had nothing to lose
It started well - I took the first game to love...
Saturday 3rd November 2018 8:12 am
I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally
Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose
But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard
and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes
I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'
I can't relate activist stories
and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable
saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories
So I don't thin...
Saturday 27th October 2018 12:10 am
We did the same more or less
as we did every Saturday night
We went to a few pubs,
we had a few pints, had a fight,
(well nearly...more of a scuffle really)
met up with a few mates,
played pool, told a few gags
looked at dirty mags
Meanwhile, upstairs in Burtons,
our girlfriends continued to dance
around their handbags
Saturday 20th October 2018 12:13 am
What does success look like?
It's clear cut isn't it...
there's a winner and there are losers
What's not to understand?
Well, it's not quite as simple as that
so let's break it down using a practical example
Take the marathon - twenty six miles
and more runners than you can shake a stick at
Only one person can win surely?
Yes, but what about all those
Saturday 6th October 2018 12:03 am
A mix-up at Redditch Hospital
by a Maternity Unit flunkey
led to her taking home
a bouncing spider monkey
She was pleased with her offspring
though she thought that just maybe
it could be a bit better looking
but at least she had her own baby
She loved it as any mother would
this life that had grown inside her
She named him Jack, but ironically
Saturday 29th September 2018 1:28 am
We lost our dog the other day
I don't mean it passed away
We just couldn't find it
Notices were posted on lamposts
A reward was offered
No dog was proffered
But at home he's still around
His bed and bowls are still down
We can smell him in the air
It's just that he's not there
We felt miserable
so to cheer ourselves up
we went out for a meal
at a ne...
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:27 am
Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?
Is it an inner city ghetto
such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell
where gun and knife crimes are rife
and violence is part of everyday life?
No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level
of accidents, incidents and murders
all within spitting distance of the Rovers
The residents should be living in fea...
Saturday 15th September 2018 8:41 am
She puts on clean combats and pulls on her boots
from which she'd cleaned off yesterday's dirt
She didn't find anyone yesterday
She's never found anyone, not alive anyway
It used to upset her, now it no longer hurts
She won't find anyone today
She doesn't wear a mask anymore
The stench of death no longer fills the air
As she leaves the shelter she looks in the mirror...
Friday 7th September 2018 11:25 pm
Let's assume for the sake of argument
that there was no big bang
and that God created man.
And using invisible thread
he sensibly attached the eyes and ears
to the outside of the head
so that when wading across a river
nothing could sneak up on him.
There was a lot of sneaking up back then. Still is.
The top of the head itself was actually empty.
God had to ...
Saturday 1st September 2018 9:38 am
She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna
but I thought I'd much sooner
do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen
making the whole house smelly
and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.
Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would
so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.
I stuffed myself a...
Saturday 25th August 2018 7:46 am
She needs to lose a few pounds
my wife, mother of the bride
Pounds that clothes won't hide
So it's Slimming World
and counting points
and not eating what you please
such as crisps and chocolate
and full-fat cheese
To help her I've devised a solution...
she can have cheese but only emmental
which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife
I'll eat the cheese, she can ...
Saturday 18th August 2018 12:03 am
When wearing his built up shoes
he's barely five feet tall
His hairstyle adds another inch
It's not much fun being small
Bullies call him tosser and fucker
and the word that rhymes with hunt
Who cares, as long as they don't put
shortarse on the front
Competitive at sc...
Saturday 11th August 2018 8:08 am
I was safe, boxed in against the world
with no wish to change the status quo
but you did something that hit me hard
and then the cracks began to show
You turned up the heat on me
and I'm really in trouble
I'm going crinkly around the edges
and now my yolk is starting to bubble
Saturday 4th August 2018 6:29 am