Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon (2019, Saturday Rhymers Club)

This Fling I'm Having

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I'm having a fling with a fantastic forty-year-old fat female from Farnborough. She's friendly, fun-loving and feisty. I'm fascinated by her full figure and the way she fills out her frock. We indulge in frenzied foreplay, we fornicate frantically and play find the fingammibob.

Unfortunately I am forced to finish the affair as it's costing me a flipping fortune. She's frequently ...

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Sister Doughty

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Remember Emergency Ward 10 from the early 60s? Nurse Young, Dr Dawson, Sister Doughty. They never used the definite article did they? (Still don't.) They would say 'nurse will give you a bedbath' or 'doctor will be doing his rounds shortly'.

Sister Doughty was my favourite, immaculately turned out in a dark blue uniform with white trimmings. And she was very slim...not like today's lot who wadd...

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Saturday Rhymers ClubSister

We Don't Move Very Much

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My wife doesn't move very much

when she's watching the TV at night

I supply the occasional coffee

to provide much needed respite

 

Set in a self-induced coma

she's not really lazy as such,

just fixated on life in The Jungle

where they also don't move very much

 

I can't extricate the remote

held tight in her vice-like clutch

so I'm forced to watch what she ...

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Our First Time

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We were up on the hills

She had gone very quiet

I instinctively knew that the time was right

I kissed her with passion as a lover might

 

I took off my shirt

Her nostrils flared

I ran my fingers through her golden hair

We gently made love in the open air

 

The encounter was brief

with minimal foreplay

I spoke to her softly; she had little to say

She blea...

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A Minor Roasting

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Dear Father

I hope you are very well.

What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.

Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.

Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...

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Banjaxed

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Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill

took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.

But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking

didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.

Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.

 

Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.

Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...

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Waiting to Leave Home

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As they waited

his eyes surveyed the room

at all the things she'd amassed,

so recently risk assessed.

 

She'd become a virtual prisoner

in the house she'd strived to own.

The house she'd made a home

was now a source of danger for her.

 

As he wheeled her out the door

she asked how soon she'd be back.

Couple of weeks he lied.

He felt his stomach churn.

He k...

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Leaving HomeSaturday Rhymers Club

6-2 6-1

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As always he was relaxed and confident,

smiling, and with good reason - he always beats me

My normal strategy is damage limitation

Today was different, I had motivation

I hadn't played for a month

I was feeling good, no aches and pains

I had a new racquet with tight strings

I had new tennis shoes

I had nothing to lose

 

It started well - I took the first game to love

...

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Going On A Demo

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I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally

Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose

But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard

and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes

 

I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'

I can't relate activist stories

and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable

saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories

 

So I don't thin...

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Saturday 3 July 1971, Uxbridge

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We did the same more or less

as we did every Saturday night

We went to a few pubs,

we had a few pints, had a fight,

(well nearly...more of a scuffle really)

met up with a few mates,

played pool, told a few gags

looked at dirty mags

 

Meanwhile, upstairs in Burtons,

our girlfriends continued to dance

around their handbags

 

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Successful Failures

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What does success look like?

It's clear cut isn't it...

there's a winner and there are losers

What's not to understand?

 

Well, it's not quite as simple as that

so let's break it down using a practical example

Take the marathon - twenty six miles

and more runners than you can shake a stick at

Only one person can win surely?    

 

Yes, but what about all those 

w...

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Goo goo goo gaa gaa gaa...he's a bit hairy isn't he?

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A mix-up at Redditch Hospital  

by a Maternity Unit flunkey    

led to her taking home

a bouncing spider monkey

 

She was pleased with her offspring

though she thought that just maybe

it could be a bit better looking

but at least she had her own baby

 

She loved it as any mother would

this life that had grown inside her

She named him Jack, but ironically

gave...

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Where Is Our Dog?

We lost our dog the other day

I don't mean it passed away

We just couldn't find it

Notices were posted on lamposts

A reward was offered

No dog was proffered

 

But at home he's still around

His bed and bowls are still down

We can smell him in the air

It's just that he's not there

 

We felt miserable

so to cheer ourselves up

we went out for a meal

at a ne...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

SOAP : Corrie

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Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?

Is it an inner city ghetto

such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell

where gun and knife crimes are rife

and violence is part of everyday life?

No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level

of accidents, incidents and murders

all within spitting distance of the Rovers

 

The residents should be living in fea...

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Vain Search

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She puts on clean combats and pulls on her boots

from which she'd cleaned off yesterday's dirt

She didn't find anyone yesterday

She's never found anyone, not alive anyway

It used to upset her, now it no longer hurts

She won't find anyone today

 

She doesn't wear a mask anymore

The stench of death no longer fills the air

As she leaves the shelter she looks in the mirror

...

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Onboard Computer

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Let's assume for the sake of argument

that there was no big bang

and that God created man.

And using invisible thread

he sensibly attached the eyes and ears

to the outside of the head

so that when wading across a river

nothing could sneak up on him.

There was a lot of sneaking up back then. Still is.

 

The top of the head itself was actually empty.

God had to ...

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Chicken Bhuna

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She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna

but I thought I'd much sooner

do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen

making the whole house smelly 

and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.

 

Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would

so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.

I stuffed myself a...

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Emmental

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She needs to lose a few pounds

my wife, mother of the bride

Pounds that clothes won't hide

So it's Slimming World

and counting points

and not eating what you please

such as crisps and chocolate

and full-fat cheese

To help her I've devised a solution...

she can have cheese but only emmental

which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife

I'll eat the cheese, she can ...

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Small Man Syndrome

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When wearing his built up shoes         

he's barely five feet tall

His hairstyle adds another inch

It's not much fun being small

 

Bullies call him tosser and fucker

and the word that rhymes with hunt

Who cares, as long as they don't put

shortarse on the front

 

Competitive at sc...

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Turning Up The Heat

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I was safe, boxed in against the world

with no wish to change the status quo

but you did something that hit me hard

and then the cracks began to show

 

You turned up the heat on me

and I'm really in trouble

I'm going crinkly around the edges

and now my yolk is starting to bubble

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