Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon
My wife doesn't move very much
when she's watching the TV at night
I supply the occasional coffee
to provide much needed respite
Set in a self-induced coma
she's not really lazy as such,
just fixated on life in The Jungle
where they also don't move very much
I can't extricate the remote
held tight in her vice-like clutch
so I'm forced to watch what she ...
Saturday 8th December 2018 12:26 am
I hope you are very well.
What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.
Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.
Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...
Saturday 24th November 2018 12:15 am
Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill
took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.
But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking
didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.
Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.
Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.
Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...
Saturday 17th November 2018 12:04 am
As they waited
his eyes surveyed the room
at all the things she'd amassed,
so recently risk assessed.
She'd become a virtual prisoner
in the house she'd strived to own.
The house she'd made a home
was now a source of danger for her.
As he wheeled her out the door
she asked how soon she'd be back.
Couple of weeks he lied.
He felt his stomach churn.
Saturday 10th November 2018 7:47 am
Arriving en masse in Barbour green
middle class mummies in SUV's
with kids named Willow, Sky and Breeze
allergic to various nuts and cheese
and designer dogs on ten foot leads
(tripping hazards for OAP's)
pooping in the fallen leaves
beneath the beauty of the trees
Thursday 1st November 2018 11:25 am
I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally
Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose
But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard
and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes
I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'
I can't relate activist stories
and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable
saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories
So I don't thin...
Saturday 27th October 2018 12:10 am
Uncle Seamus was quite infirm
and couldn't get up the stairs
So he lived and slept in the living room
but still managed two affairs
The first with a local widow
who set his heart on fire
the second one more ambitious
with the Malvern Hills Girls Choir
He kept himself quite healthy
though his hygiene wasn't best
just washing round the edges
of his sweat-...
Monday 22nd October 2018 8:45 am
Here they come in droves,
the humble pot boilers
to worship at the feet
of the traitorous elite
with hair pulled out in clumps
in frustration at those
unable to muster
the inspiration to rise
above the level of lacklustre
Now nowhere to be found,
The Enterprising have packed up their teepees
and headed for a happier hunting ground
Thursday 18th October 2018 8:28 am
Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?
Is it an inner city ghetto
such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell
where gun and knife crimes are rife
and violence is part of everyday life?
No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level
of accidents, incidents and murders
all within spitting distance of the Rovers
The residents should be living in fea...
Saturday 15th September 2018 8:41 am
She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna
but I thought I'd much sooner
do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen
making the whole house smelly
and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.
Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would
so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.
I stuffed myself a...
Saturday 25th August 2018 7:46 am
At eight o'clock this morning
as she was getting changed
suddenly, with no warning
my wife burst into flames
I shouted for my daughter
who stifled the screaming
then doused her with water
which resulted in her steaming
We buried her by the garden shed
Her face had lost its lustre
She told us that she wasn't dead
but you know...you just can't trust he...
Friday 24th August 2018 10:51 am
She needs to lose a few pounds
my wife, mother of the bride
Pounds that clothes won't hide
So it's Slimming World
and counting points
and not eating what you please
such as crisps and chocolate
and full-fat cheese
To help her I've devised a solution...
she can have cheese but only emmental
which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife
I'll eat the cheese, she can ...
Saturday 18th August 2018 12:03 am
When wearing his built up shoes
he's barely five feet tall
His hairstyle adds another inch
It's not much fun being small
Bullies call him tosser and fucker
and the word that rhymes with hunt
Who cares, as long as they don't put
shortarse on the front
Competitive at sc...
Saturday 11th August 2018 8:08 am
So House of Fraser has been bought by Mike Ashley
Sports Direct owner, lump of lard
Before he changes it completely
I think I'll shoot down there on my Pashley
and max out my credit card
Friday 10th August 2018 7:16 pm
I can't believe what I've just read in the local paper
Tyson (Keith-from-up-the-road's dog) is going to be put down
Apparently he's bitten a few people recently
including the postie, who had to abandon his round
He spent half the day at A & E having a tetanus shot
which explains the small number of birthday cards I got
Hold on a minute, isn't that Keith and Tyson o...
Wednesday 8th August 2018 11:10 pm
When I was a child
I was never defiled
I wasn't abused, belittled or beaten
I wasn't made to feel a fool
My mum never made me go hungry
She always ensured I was clean
and always attended school
I had a good education, good jobs
and now a good pension
I have no debts
I'm very happy
I've nothing to worry about
But as I read the blogs of others
Monday 6th August 2018 11:42 pm
I was safe, boxed in against the world
with no wish to change the status quo
but you did something that hit me hard
and then the cracks began to show
You turned up the heat on me
and I'm really in trouble
I'm going crinkly around the edges
and now my yolk is starting to bubble
Saturday 4th August 2018 6:29 am
There's a storm coming
You can feel it in the air
We don't know exactly when
We don't know precisely where
But it's coming soon
It will hit us when we least expect it
Waiting silently in the wings
it won't be deflected
It's building up its anger
It's building up its power
and will unleash its fury
like a wounded beast
It will vent its spleen
Its bile wil...
Wednesday 25th July 2018 10:44 am
Home from holiday
Back in Britain
A country divided
Not by the usual things such as football
We're all flying flags and wearing waistcoats now
And there's no longer a north-south split,
not now they've got their powerhouse
and the midlands has its engine
Besides, the north starts at Luton now
It used to be religion
Christians and non-believers
Thursday 19th July 2018 12:23 pm
The ball leaves the racquet like a bullet from a gun
The receiver assesses that the ball is going wide
He stands his ground; there’s no reason to run
He couldn’t if he tried.
Was it a gust of wind, or intervention from The Lord?
because the ball now appears to be going in
His previous decision not to run is looking flawed
He’ll have to take it on the chin.
Monday 9th July 2018 9:20 pm
We're off on our hols next week.
When my wife suggested self catering
I said "I'm not having that -
there's no way I'm taking my own cat"
No, we're going half board.
Let's hope I'm not fully bored
lying around the pool doing nowt
but slapping on the factor ten.
I could always take a bike out
and go beyond the local town
but what if I have a puncture?
Thursday 5th July 2018 11:27 pm
He was fourteen
she thirty four
but that did not matter
as they went up together
onto Heptonstall Moor
He the pupil
he that she taught
each day in school
and that Sunday morning
on Heptonstall Moor
He a child
in the eyes of the law
She made him a man
in those erotic few hours
on Heptonstall Moor
She was voracious
demanding much more...
Tuesday 26th June 2018 8:33 am
Remember Keith's wife Tina from up the road?
You know...fat slag, designer bag?
Well I couldn't help noticing
she's recently piled on the pounds
She's not just fat
she's morbidly obese
If you rendered her down in a copper vat
you'd have a lifetime's supply of axle grease
Monday 25th June 2018 9:33 am
Just heard Herman's Hermits on the radio
'I'm Into Something Good'
Of course he wasn't really called Herman
and they weren't hermits
but that's not the point
The name was sort of catchy,
they were popular and had a few hits
Wonder what they look like now?
Probably like me...old gits
but at least they tasted success
before they called it quits
I wasn't too bothered...
Sunday 24th June 2018 12:08 pm
He had no face, he had no name
He used his silver bullets
to shoot you down in flames
I was Tonto to his Kemo Sabe
We were friends; I was a fan
When he rode off into the sunset
I was left to ask...who was he?
Who was that masked man?
Friday 22nd June 2018 8:45 am
Who's that just pulled up outside my house?
I don't recognise him.
Perhaps he's going next door
but why pull up outside my house?
There's plenty of room further along.
He's not getting out, he's just sitting there.
Must be waiting for someone to come out.
No-one's coming out though.
He's just sitting there.
Why is he just sitting there?
No-one's coming out.
Thursday 21st June 2018 8:39 am
We called them the seagulls
Graduate Entrants from HQ
Average age twenty two
Incorporated in the corporate loop
They would arrive in a flock
circle around for a while, then swoop
Having never worked at the sharp end
they were nevertheless fully qualified
to peck at everything
where they could find them
then fly off again
Wednesday 20th June 2018 12:04 pm
Ever had a skip on your driveway?
They're not too expensive to hire for the weekend
You can get one with optimum fill
Exactly the size you want
One that perfectly fits the bill
You half fill it on Saturday
and look forward to topping it up in the morning
refreshed from a good night's sleep
But what happens overnight?
What you see makes you weep
Some bastard ...
Monday 18th June 2018 10:12 am
Italians entering America
with no documentation
were processed as WOPs
at Ellis Island station
Now migrants disembark at Sicily every day
Italy has no choice but to let them stay
There's nowhere to send them back to
Because in a modern twist of irony
they've thrown their papers away
Sunday 17th June 2018 11:11 am