Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon

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We Don't Move Very Much

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My wife doesn't move very much

when she's watching the TV at night

I supply the occasional coffee

to provide much needed respite

 

Set in a self-induced coma

she's not really lazy as such,

just fixated on life in The Jungle

where they also don't move very much

 

I can't extricate the remote

held tight in her vice-like clutch

so I'm forced to watch what she ...

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I'm a CelebMoveSaturday Rhymers Club

A Minor Roasting

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Dear Father

I hope you are very well.

What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.

Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.

Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...

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fireSaturday Rhymers Club

Banjaxed

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Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill

took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.

But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking

didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.

Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.

 

Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.

Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...

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JackSaturday Rhymers Club

Waiting to Leave Home

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As they waited

his eyes surveyed the room

at all the things she'd amassed,

so recently risk assessed.

 

She'd become a virtual prisoner

in the house she'd strived to own.

The house she'd made a home

was now a source of danger for her.

 

As he wheeled her out the door

she asked how soon she'd be back.

Couple of weeks he lied.

He felt his stomach churn.

He k...

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Leaving HomeSaturday Rhymers Club

Westonbirt Arboretum

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Arriving en masse in Barbour green

middle class mummies in SUV's

with kids named Willow, Sky and Breeze

allergic to various nuts and cheese

and designer dogs on ten foot leads

(tripping hazards for OAP's)

pooping in the fallen leaves

beneath the beauty of the trees

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Going On A Demo

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I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally

Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose

But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard

and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes

 

I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'

I can't relate activist stories

and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable

saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories

 

So I don't thin...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Uncle Seamus

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Uncle Seamus was quite infirm

and couldn't get up the stairs

So he lived and slept in the living room

but still managed two affairs

 

The first with a local widow

who set his heart on fire

the second one more ambitious

with the Malvern Hills Girls Choir

   

He kept himself quite healthy

though his hygiene wasn't best

just washing round the edges

of his sweat-...

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Life

Unhappy Hunting Ground

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Here they come in droves,

the humble pot boilers 

to worship at the feet 

of the traitorous elite

with hair pulled out in clumps 

in frustration at those

unable to muster 

the inspiration to rise 

above the level of lacklustre 

 

Now nowhere to be found,

The Enterprising have packed up their teepees 

and headed for a happier hunting ground

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Life

SOAP : Corrie

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Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?

Is it an inner city ghetto

such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell

where gun and knife crimes are rife

and violence is part of everyday life?

No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level

of accidents, incidents and murders

all within spitting distance of the Rovers

 

The residents should be living in fea...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Chicken Bhuna

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She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna

but I thought I'd much sooner

do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen

making the whole house smelly 

and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.

 

Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would

so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.

I stuffed myself a...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

She's Hot Stuff !!!

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At eight o'clock this morning

as she was getting changed

suddenly, with no warning

my wife burst into flames

 

I shouted for my daughter

who stifled the screaming

then doused her with water

which resulted in her steaming

 

We buried her by the garden shed

Her face had lost its lustre

She told us that she wasn't dead

but you know...you just can't trust he...

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Emmental

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She needs to lose a few pounds

my wife, mother of the bride

Pounds that clothes won't hide

So it's Slimming World

and counting points

and not eating what you please

such as crisps and chocolate

and full-fat cheese

To help her I've devised a solution...

she can have cheese but only emmental

which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife

I'll eat the cheese, she can ...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Small Man Syndrome

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When wearing his built up shoes         

he's barely five feet tall

His hairstyle adds another inch

It's not much fun being small

 

Bullies call him tosser and fucker

and the word that rhymes with hunt

Who cares, as long as they don't put

shortarse on the front

 

Competitive at sc...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

House of Fraser

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So House of Fraser has been bought by Mike Ashley

Sports Direct owner, lump of lard

Before he changes it completely

I think I'll shoot down there on my Pashley

and max out my credit card

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Tyson On Death Row?

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I can't believe what I've just read in the local paper

Tyson (Keith-from-up-the-road's dog) is going to be put down

Apparently he's bitten a few people recently

including the postie, who had to abandon his round

He spent half the day at A & E having a tetanus shot

which explains the small number of birthday cards I got

 

Hold on a minute, isn't that Keith and Tyson o...

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Have I Missed Out?

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When I was a child

I was never defiled

I wasn't abused, belittled or beaten

I wasn't made to feel a fool

My mum never made me go hungry

She always ensured I was clean

and always attended school

 

I had a good education, good jobs

and now a good pension

I have no debts

I'm very happy

I've nothing to worry about

But as I read the blogs of others

I can't...

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Turning Up The Heat

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I was safe, boxed in against the world

with no wish to change the status quo

but you did something that hit me hard

and then the cracks began to show

 

You turned up the heat on me

and I'm really in trouble

I'm going crinkly around the edges

and now my yolk is starting to bubble

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Saturday Rhymers Club

The Tempest

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There's a storm coming

You can feel it in the air

We don't know exactly when

We don't know precisely where

But it's coming soon

It will hit us when we least expect it

Waiting silently in the wings

it won't be deflected

 

It's building up its anger

It's building up its power

and will unleash its fury

like a wounded beast

It will vent its spleen

Its bile wil...

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No Spitting, No Gouging

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Home from holiday

Back in Britain 

A country divided

Not by the usual things such as football

We're all flying flags and wearing waistcoats now

 

And there's no longer a north-south split,

not now they've got their powerhouse

and the midlands has its engine

Besides, the north starts at Luton now

 

It used to be religion    

Christians and non-believers

N...

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The Line Call

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The ball leaves the racquet like a bullet from a gun

The receiver assesses that the ball is going wide

He stands his ground; there’s no reason to run

He couldn’t if he tried.

 

Was it a gust of wind, or intervention from The Lord?

because the ball now appears to be going in

His previous decision not to run is looking flawed

He’ll have to take it on the chin.

 

He pond...

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Taking a Cat on Holiday?

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We're off on our hols next week.

When my wife suggested self catering

I said "I'm not having that -

there's no way I'm taking my own cat"

 

No, we're going half board.

Let's hope I'm not fully bored

lying around the pool doing nowt

but slapping on the factor ten.

I could always take a bike out

and go beyond the local town

but what if I have a puncture?

Won'...

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On Heptonstall Moor

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He was fourteen

she thirty four

but that did not matter

as they went up together

onto Heptonstall Moor

 

He the pupil

he that she taught

each day in school

and that Sunday morning

on Heptonstall Moor

 

He a child

in the eyes of the law

She made him a man

in those erotic few hours

on Heptonstall Moor

 

She was voracious

demanding much more

...

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Tina + VAT

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Remember Keith's wife Tina from up the road?

You know...fat slag, designer bag?

Well I couldn't help noticing

she's recently piled on the pounds

She's not just fat

she's morbidly obese

If you rendered her down in a copper vat

you'd have a lifetime's supply of axle grease

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Herman's Hermits

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Just heard Herman's Hermits on the radio

'I'm Into Something Good' 

Of course he wasn't really called Herman

and they weren't hermits

but that's not the point

The name was sort of catchy,

they were popular and had a few hits

Wonder what they look like now?

Probably like me...old gits

but at least they tasted success

before they called it quits

I wasn't too bothered

...

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Kemo Sabe

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He had no face, he had no name

He used his silver bullets

to shoot you down in flames

I was Tonto to his Kemo Sabe

We were friends; I was a fan

When he rode off into the sunset

I was left to ask...who was he?

Who was that masked man?

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What's he doing there?

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Who's that just pulled up outside my house?

I don't recognise him.

Perhaps he's going next door

but why pull up outside my house?

There's plenty of room further along.

He's not getting out, he's just sitting there.

Must be waiting for someone to come out.

No-one's coming out though.

He's just sitting there.

Why is he just sitting there?

No-one's coming out.

How lon...

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The Auditors

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We called them the seagulls

Graduate Entrants from HQ

Average age twenty two

Incorporated in the corporate loop

They would arrive in a flock

circle around for a while, then swoop

 

Having never worked at the sharp end

they were nevertheless fully qualified

to peck at everything

highlighting non-compliances

where they could find them

then fly off again

leaving...

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Something For The Weekend?

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Ever had a skip on your driveway?

They're not too expensive to hire for the weekend

You can get one with optimum fill

Exactly the size you want

One that perfectly fits the bill

 

You half fill it on Saturday

and look forward to topping it up in the morning

refreshed from a good night's sleep

But what happens overnight?

What you see makes you weep

 

Some bastard ...

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The New WOPs

Italians entering America

with no documentation

were processed as WOPs

at Ellis Island station

 

Now migrants disembark at Sicily every day

Italy has no choice but to let them stay

There's nowhere to send them back to

Because in a modern twist of irony

they've thrown their papers away

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Not Chuffed

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I've had it up to here with the railways

They can't seem to get things on track

so I took the opportunity  to get my revenge

I bought a return ticket and didn't come back

 

That'll show 'em!

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