Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon

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Brian Maryon on Unseen Entities (4 days ago)

Brian Maryon on Unseen Entities (4 days ago)

Brian Maryon on Unseen Entities (6 days ago)

Brian Maryon on G'nasher (12 days ago)

M.C. Newberry on G'nasher (13 days ago)

Greg Freeman on G'nasher (14 days ago)

kJ Walker on G'nasher (14 days ago)

Ruth O'Reilly on G'nasher (14 days ago)

Brian Maryon on We've got the builders in (Mon, 5 Oct 2020 08:36 am)

Stephen Atkinson on We've got the builders in (Fri, 2 Oct 2020 08:13 pm)

Unseen Entities

While 'er Indoors chatted merrily

to Captain Mainwaring's wife

Abigail threw a party

and Laurence lost his life

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G'nasher

 

Reminiscing about The Beano and regretting its demise I mentioned Dennis the Menace and Walter the Softie. My mate said he liked his dog G'nasher. I said 'what do you mean G'nasher...it's Gnasher...the G is silent as in gnat'. But he insisted it was G'nasher. We argued about it but couldn't agree, so I asked a passing boy the name of Dennis the Menace's dog. He said G'nasher.

I just walked...

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We've got the builders in

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We've got the builders in,

all working class and hairy arsed

Cash in hand, cement and sand

Mucky cups

Nothing measured, trust to luck

Rule of thumb

Don't give a fuck

Sharp intakes of breath

Builders bum

Clichés done to death

Music on, make a mess

Plasterboard, four by two

Six inch nails and superglue

Six hour day, six day week

Things explained in builder-s...

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Bristol BS1 6

 

I could be locked down in Liverpool,

fined ten grand in Leeds,

confined to Cardiff campus,

thank God I'm in Temple Meads

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Girl on a Bike

 

A friendly bell before she glided past,

her feet casually going round

her wheels eating up the ground

as she eased away out of sight.

 

Slim and serene with head held high

she was breathtakingly beautiful.

In those few seconds I had fallen in love.

 

Realism set in and I realised then

I may never see that girl again.

 

 

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Taking Paul Simon's Advice a Step Further...

 

Stab her in the chest with a rusty knife

and while she's gasping for breath

smother her with an overcoat

use a blunt razor to slit her throat

 

Fill her full of lead with an SLR

and while she's spilling her guts

give her cold poison to swallow

and a warm injection to follow

 

After all this if she's still not dead

get three skinheads to stomp on her head

 

...

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From Zante With Love - Haiku

Some wearing sandals

Some wearing sandals and socks

Some bearing the pox

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Potential Social Distancing Issue on IOW

You could fit the entire population of China on the Isle of Wight. But what would be the point? Each person would only have around three square feet...not enough room to swing a cat. Anyway they'd probably cook it and pass it off as chicken like Wing Lee round the corner from me (allegedly).

Living so close together would cause conflict and before long there would be a sizeable number of dissid...

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Store Manger Can't Spel

The sign said 'keep two meters apart'

but there's no way I can carry

the gas and lekky meters

on my bike

down to the Kwiki Mart!

 

 

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At The End of His Tether

He changed her pad

then changed her bedding.

He was exhausted.

'Don't worry' he said. 'Can't be helped'

No response.

'Won't be long now'

She'd hardly said a word for years.

She had no idea who he was.

 

They'd spent a lifetime together.

He loved his wife.

That night he kept his promise and ended her life.

He'd finally reached the end of his tether.

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People You Meet On Holiday

You know what it’s like – you meet a couple on the next sunloungers who you seem to get on well with, and this goes on for a couple of days and then someone suggests meeting up in the evening.

So you meet up at Blue Breeze and you all have a San Miguel. Next round the same. Then it all changes! On your round they go for expensive drinks but on theirs they say they’ll just have a coke or a fanta...

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When Did It Change?

When did I stop buying my own underpants 

and switch from River Island to M & S?

 

At what point did we start finishing each other's sentences?

 

What caused her to stop being a whore in the bedroom

and start being my best friend?

 

When did it stop being the end of the beginning

and start being the beginning of the end?

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Over-endowed

A friend of mine called Roger

often drags the floor

with his three foot six inch todger

which makes it rather sore

 

Storage is an issue 

with such a massive cock

so he straps it to his inner leg

and tucks it in his sock

 

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Wearing Masks in Shops

 

Some people already wear masks in shops

to protect themselves from danger

Yesterday in Asda I queued behind

Batman, Catwoman and The Lone Ranger

 

 

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RAGE

Outwardly I am calmness personified

but inside I start to seethe

I fight to stop my fists from forming

but I cannot stop the redness

rising in the back of my neck

threatening to erupt at any moment

 

I'm like an imprisoned animal pacing up and down

But I'm not an animal, I'm a rational human being

so I control my rage

and seek sanctuary within my inner cage

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SUBTERFUGE

She emailed me in upper case explaining why she left 

leaving me bereft and incapable of explaining

my part in the subterfuge that followed.

 

She had the good grace to say that none of it was my fault

but it wasn't true...I knew it and so did she.

 

I had nothing left but shame

and the fear that dare not speak its name.

 

 

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Spain? No Way Pedro!

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I'm supposed to be going to Spain next month

but I shan't be going

Benalmádena.

Most people pronounce it wrong

but I speaka da lingo

pero solo un poco

 

Packed in on the plane facemasked

with restrictions galore in the resort

I can't be doing with it

So I won't be going to Spain

I'll be staying at home

living a life mundane

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IN ASDA

You get some filthy sods in Asda

They absolutely stink

Their trollies are full of fizzy drink

cakes, biscuits and chocolate

They wear sweat infused clothes

and like being fat I suppose

But I love Asda

I bloody love Asda

It keeps the oiks out of Waitrose

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Footie's Back!

What a bore

A nil-nil draw

Pay-to-view on Sky

 

Can't take no more

I'll paint a door

Then sit and watch it dry

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Inspired by an Old Fisherman

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"There be salmon as big as you in there"

said the old fisherman to young Ben

who was completely agog at this information

which pleased the fisherman no end

 

And I knew I should have left it there

but I just couldn't help myself

"Don't be bloody stupid, no salmon is as big as that!"

...and with that an enormous salmon leapt up

and swallowed my son whole

which upset me...

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The Mob

Blacklivesmattersmashsomething

BritainleavingEUsmashsomething

ExtinctionRebellionsmashsomething

Smashsmashsmashsomething

Anythingsmashitfuckingsmashit

Smashsomeone'sshitnotmyshit

Someoneelse'sshitsmashsmashsmash

SMASHITSMASHITSMASH

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It's Football, But Not As We Know It

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Players on the pitch

Managers in dug-outs

No fans in the seats

Everyone's been shut out

Happy to be replaced by

Life-size cardboard cut-outs

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Back On Court

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There was no talk of painting or composting

or other ways of filling time.

Just a relief to be back on court

hitting balls and dodgy line calls.

Really quite sublime.

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The Measure of our Freedom

Whoever would have thought that the measure of our freedom would be

the ability to take a trip

to the local council refuse tip?

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In Denial

No-one looked less scarier

than Gerhardt from Bavaria

sitting quietly pondering his feet.

 

As he thought about his life

with Hildegard his wife

it was hard to think of anyone more meek.

 

Dressed in his lederhosen

he denied that he had chosen

to administer the use of Zyklon B.

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Combe Gibbet

People like to boast about places they've been

and things they've seen

The Pyramids, Machu Picchu, NYC

 

But for me nothing beats the thrill

of the sight of Combe Gibbet 

on top of Inkpen Hill

 

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Ear Nose & Throat

Destined for ICU via A & E

A cock-up sent me to ENT

Too weak to raise a shout

They took my bloody tonsils out

When I threatened to sue

They stuck 'em back with superglue

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Frankie

Sometimes when I'm in a pensive mood I walk up to old St Nicholas Church to visit Frankie.

 

Frankie is much younger than me but he's a good listener and I feel I can open my heart to him.

 

I've been going up there on and off for years. I used to take the kids to see him when they were young.

 

My children love Frankie and I have no doubt that in time they will take their own ch...

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With Unquenchable Fire?

No-one could foresee the day would come when medical science is almost powerless to help

 

We have knowingly abused our bodies all our lives yet life expectancy continues to rise

 

No amount of gluttony, smoking, drink or drugs has resulted in lifespans being reduced

 

Until now......when an event of biblical proportions has caused the chickens to come home to roost

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Travel Whilst in Lockdown

Boredom was setting in

so I cycled through Vondelpark

then caught a tram

from Leidseplein to the Dam,

and with the sound of carillons

ringing through my head

I'll sleep a peaceful sleep.

I might return to Amsterdam tomorrow

or I may go somewhere else instead

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Social Distancing in Tonypandy SHOCK HORROR

Randy Mandy from Tonypandy

and Horny Sean from Eastbourne

ignored all social distancing

on Mandy's Mum's back lawn

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Stuck Indoors!

I can't have a coffee at Costa

or go to the pub and get pissed

so I'll just stay at home with the missus

and think about slitting my wrists

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Stuck!!!

On Saturday afternoon

I zipped up my fly too soon

My todger got stuck

I said holy fuck

Now I sing in a higher tune

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Huw Edwards Watch Out

If I hear that bloody Huw Edwards say Coronavirus one more time I won't be responsible for my actions.

I'll forget all about self-isolating and throw off my bedding

then jump in the car, whizz up to Salford

and kick his smug coiffeured head in

 

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How to Reduce My Carbon Footprint?

I'm desperate to do something to help the environment.

What can I do...go on a litter pick?

Recycle more of my waste?

Drive my car less and take up cycling?

What about carbon offset...drive 10 miles then plant a tree?

Forget it! I'd be forever planting trees.

 

Then it came to me...so simple what can I lose?

To reduce my carbon footprint I'll stop wearing

charcoal Odor E...

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Roadkill

With no retreat from its headlong rush

she recorded a kill on her bullbarred grill

and hoped it didn't suffer very much

 

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Predatory Paedophile Clapping Song

I am a pretty little schoolgirl

as pretty as pretty can be be be

and all the boys in the neighbourhood

go crazy over me me me

 

I met a boy on the internet

who said he was fourteen teen teen

He told me I was beautiful

the best he'd ever seen seen seen

 

He said that I was really fit

and wanted to meet me me me

so I put on loads of make-up

and sneaked off afte...

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BOTANY BAY

There's a place ten thousand miles away

where Britain's convicts were sent

but we missed a trick when they built it up

...we should have been charging them rent!

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A & E Night Shift

Thumping down on a dead man's chest

in an A & E trauma bed

Sometimes we bring them back to life

and sometimes they just stay dead

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VIRUS : 2158 AD

We're living upstairs now above the virus line

Well it's either that or wear the VPM constantly

75% of the third world population has died

No upstairs see

 

Some say it's a good thing

World population's now at manageable levels

Try telling that to the poor bastards

who literally shit themselves to death

 

That's the virus see

Food goes through you in a matter of ho...

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re-post

Phillip Schofield

So Phillip Schofield's gay

Hip bloody hip hooray

It's on the Beeb

It's all the chat

Give the man a paper hat

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Council Flat in Haringey

My girlfriend and my girlfriend's mate

live in a flat on a council estate

They couldn't get one in the usual way

so they lied to the council and said they were gay

(Let's face it...who isn't these days?)

 

I threatened to report them as it goes against the grain

but since the threesomes started my attitude's changed

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When Your Knees Go

There was an old whore from Darjeeling

who serviced her clients whilst kneeling

but it's harder to fake it

when knee caps can't take it

so now she just stares at the ceiling

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Postman Pat

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Thirty years ago when I was a postman I delivered 1000 letters a day to 500 houses. On a bike.

Postman Pat goes out on his round with a dozen letters and two packets. In a van.

It takes him all morning because he stops to chat with every customer, especially Mrs Goggins. He bangs on and on about the weather and how his barometer is forecasting snow even though the sun is splitting the paving...

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Brian's Mum

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He's done it again that naughty boy

coming home at all hours

and bringing a multitude with him

I've told them to bugger off

Whatever will the neighbours think?

I've told him, the liar,

he's not the Messiah.

And that Judith the hussy

showing off her pubic hair

Mark my words she'll be his downfall

That's a cross he'll have to bear.

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The Ayes Have It

The ayes have it, the ayes have it,

and with that the victors now hold sway

and those who don't can fade away.

 

We know for whom the bell tolls, 

it's for the patronising bastards and the online trolls

who find it hard to accept they're no longer pulling the strings

of those who have moved on to better things.

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The Great Unwashed

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I went down town on the bus

using my free bus pass

but found to my utter dismay

it was full of working class

 

What a complete misnomer

cos the thing for me that irks

is that whilst they are working class

few of them actually work

 

The bus smelt truly awful

of stale sweat, fags and beer

and chicken bhuna down the front

of fake designer gear

 

So I didn...

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