Poetry Blog by Brian Maryon
Tags from last 12 months
While 'er Indoors chatted merrily
to Captain Mainwaring's wife
Abigail threw a party
and Laurence lost his life
Wednesday 14th October 2020 11:06 pm
Reminiscing about The Beano and regretting its demise I mentioned Dennis the Menace and Walter the Softie. My mate said he liked his dog G'nasher. I said 'what do you mean G'nasher...it's Gnasher...the G is silent as in gnat'. But he insisted it was G'nasher. We argued about it but couldn't agree, so I asked a passing boy the name of Dennis the Menace's dog. He said G'nasher.
I just walked...
Wednesday 7th October 2020 10:41 pm
We've got the builders in,
all working class and hairy arsed
Cash in hand, cement and sand
Nothing measured, trust to luck
Rule of thumb
Don't give a fuck
Sharp intakes of breath
Clichés done to death
Music on, make a mess
Plasterboard, four by two
Six inch nails and superglue
Six hour day, six day week
Things explained in builder-s...
Friday 2nd October 2020 3:38 pm
I could be locked down in Liverpool,
fined ten grand in Leeds,
confined to Cardiff campus,
thank God I'm in Temple Meads
Wednesday 30th September 2020 1:47 pm
A friendly bell before she glided past,
her feet casually going round
her wheels eating up the ground
as she eased away out of sight.
Slim and serene with head held high
she was breathtakingly beautiful.
In those few seconds I had fallen in love.
Realism set in and I realised then
I may never see that girl again.
Sunday 6th September 2020 10:54 pm
Stab her in the chest with a rusty knife
and while she's gasping for breath
smother her with an overcoat
use a blunt razor to slit her throat
Fill her full of lead with an SLR
and while she's spilling her guts
give her cold poison to swallow
and a warm injection to follow
After all this if she's still not dead
get three skinheads to stomp on her head
Wednesday 2nd September 2020 7:41 pm
Some wearing sandals
Some wearing sandals and socks
Some bearing the pox
Monday 31st August 2020 8:55 am
You could fit the entire population of China on the Isle of Wight. But what would be the point? Each person would only have around three square feet...not enough room to swing a cat. Anyway they'd probably cook it and pass it off as chicken like Wing Lee round the corner from me (allegedly).
Living so close together would cause conflict and before long there would be a sizeable number of dissid...
Friday 28th August 2020 11:43 am
The sign said 'keep two meters apart'
but there's no way I can carry
the gas and lekky meters
on my bike
down to the Kwiki Mart!
Friday 21st August 2020 12:40 pm
He changed her pad
then changed her bedding.
He was exhausted.
'Don't worry' he said. 'Can't be helped'
'Won't be long now'
She'd hardly said a word for years.
She had no idea who he was.
They'd spent a lifetime together.
He loved his wife.
That night he kept his promise and ended her life.
He'd finally reached the end of his tether.
Friday 14th August 2020 10:38 am
You know what it’s like – you meet a couple on the next sunloungers who you seem to get on well with, and this goes on for a couple of days and then someone suggests meeting up in the evening.
So you meet up at Blue Breeze and you all have a San Miguel. Next round the same. Then it all changes! On your round they go for expensive drinks but on theirs they say they’ll just have a coke or a fanta...
Wednesday 5th August 2020 9:12 pm
When did I stop buying my own underpants
and switch from River Island to M & S?
At what point did we start finishing each other's sentences?
What caused her to stop being a whore in the bedroom
and start being my best friend?
When did it stop being the end of the beginning
and start being the beginning of the end?
Thursday 23rd July 2020 11:47 pm
A friend of mine called Roger
often drags the floor
with his three foot six inch todger
which makes it rather sore
Storage is an issue
with such a massive cock
so he straps it to his inner leg
and tucks it in his sock
Saturday 18th July 2020 10:26 am
Some people already wear masks in shops
to protect themselves from danger
Yesterday in Asda I queued behind
Batman, Catwoman and The Lone Ranger
Wednesday 15th July 2020 8:08 am
Outwardly I am calmness personified
but inside I start to seethe
I fight to stop my fists from forming
but I cannot stop the redness
rising in the back of my neck
threatening to erupt at any moment
I'm like an imprisoned animal pacing up and down
But I'm not an animal, I'm a rational human being
so I control my rage
and seek sanctuary within my inner cage
Saturday 11th July 2020 11:45 pm
She emailed me in upper case explaining why she left
leaving me bereft and incapable of explaining
my part in the subterfuge that followed.
She had the good grace to say that none of it was my fault
but it wasn't true...I knew it and so did she.
I had nothing left but shame
and the fear that dare not speak its name.
Friday 3rd July 2020 10:51 pm
I'm supposed to be going to Spain next month
but I shan't be going
Most people pronounce it wrong
but I speaka da lingo
pero solo un poco
Packed in on the plane facemasked
with restrictions galore in the resort
I can't be doing with it
So I won't be going to Spain
I'll be staying at home
living a life mundane
Saturday 27th June 2020 11:40 pm
You get some filthy sods in Asda
They absolutely stink
Their trollies are full of fizzy drink
cakes, biscuits and chocolate
They wear sweat infused clothes
and like being fat I suppose
But I love Asda
I bloody love Asda
It keeps the oiks out of Waitrose
Thursday 25th June 2020 11:24 pm
What a bore
A nil-nil draw
Pay-to-view on Sky
Can't take no more
I'll paint a door
Then sit and watch it dry
Thursday 18th June 2020 7:23 am
"There be salmon as big as you in there"
said the old fisherman to young Ben
who was completely agog at this information
which pleased the fisherman no end
And I knew I should have left it there
but I just couldn't help myself
"Don't be bloody stupid, no salmon is as big as that!"
...and with that an enormous salmon leapt up
and swallowed my son whole
which upset me...
Monday 15th June 2020 11:17 pm
Monday 8th June 2020 11:08 pm
Players on the pitch
Managers in dug-outs
No fans in the seats
Everyone's been shut out
Happy to be replaced by
Life-size cardboard cut-outs
Tuesday 26th May 2020 7:38 am
There was no talk of painting or composting
or other ways of filling time.
Just a relief to be back on court
hitting balls and dodgy line calls.
Really quite sublime.
Monday 18th May 2020 7:55 am
Whoever would have thought that the measure of our freedom would be
the ability to take a trip
to the local council refuse tip?
Saturday 2nd May 2020 10:14 pm
No-one looked less scarier
than Gerhardt from Bavaria
sitting quietly pondering his feet.
As he thought about his life
with Hildegard his wife
it was hard to think of anyone more meek.
Dressed in his lederhosen
he denied that he had chosen
to administer the use of Zyklon B.
Friday 24th April 2020 4:58 pm
People like to boast about places they've been
and things they've seen
The Pyramids, Machu Picchu, NYC
But for me nothing beats the thrill
of the sight of Combe Gibbet
on top of Inkpen Hill
Monday 13th April 2020 11:56 am
Destined for ICU via A & E
A cock-up sent me to ENT
Too weak to raise a shout
They took my bloody tonsils out
When I threatened to sue
They stuck 'em back with superglue
Monday 6th April 2020 11:47 pm
Sometimes when I'm in a pensive mood I walk up to old St Nicholas Church to visit Frankie.
Frankie is much younger than me but he's a good listener and I feel I can open my heart to him.
I've been going up there on and off for years. I used to take the kids to see him when they were young.
My children love Frankie and I have no doubt that in time they will take their own ch...
Wednesday 1st April 2020 10:08 pm
No-one could foresee the day would come when medical science is almost powerless to help
We have knowingly abused our bodies all our lives yet life expectancy continues to rise
No amount of gluttony, smoking, drink or drugs has resulted in lifespans being reduced
Until now......when an event of biblical proportions has caused the chickens to come home to roost
Saturday 28th March 2020 6:37 pm
Boredom was setting in
so I cycled through Vondelpark
then caught a tram
from Leidseplein to the Dam,
and with the sound of carillons
ringing through my head
I'll sleep a peaceful sleep.
I might return to Amsterdam tomorrow
or I may go somewhere else instead
Thursday 26th March 2020 11:09 pm
Randy Mandy from Tonypandy
and Horny Sean from Eastbourne
ignored all social distancing
on Mandy's Mum's back lawn
Sunday 22nd March 2020 5:46 pm
I can't have a coffee at Costa
or go to the pub and get pissed
so I'll just stay at home with the missus
and think about slitting my wrists
Friday 20th March 2020 10:30 pm
On Saturday afternoon
I zipped up my fly too soon
My todger got stuck
I said holy fuck
Now I sing in a higher tune
Tuesday 17th March 2020 7:01 am
If I hear that bloody Huw Edwards say Coronavirus one more time I won't be responsible for my actions.
I'll forget all about self-isolating and throw off my bedding
then jump in the car, whizz up to Salford
and kick his smug coiffeured head in
Sunday 15th March 2020 9:53 am
I'm desperate to do something to help the environment.
What can I do...go on a litter pick?
Recycle more of my waste?
Drive my car less and take up cycling?
What about carbon offset...drive 10 miles then plant a tree?
Forget it! I'd be forever planting trees.
Then it came to me...so simple what can I lose?
To reduce my carbon footprint I'll stop wearing
charcoal Odor E...
Thursday 12th March 2020 7:33 am
With no retreat from its headlong rush
she recorded a kill on her bullbarred grill
and hoped it didn't suffer very much
Tuesday 10th March 2020 11:12 pm
I am a pretty little schoolgirl
as pretty as pretty can be be be
and all the boys in the neighbourhood
go crazy over me me me
I met a boy on the internet
who said he was fourteen teen teen
He told me I was beautiful
the best he'd ever seen seen seen
He said that I was really fit
and wanted to meet me me me
so I put on loads of make-up
and sneaked off afte...
Thursday 27th February 2020 11:19 pm
There's a place ten thousand miles away
where Britain's convicts were sent
but we missed a trick when they built it up
...we should have been charging them rent!
Wednesday 26th February 2020 7:24 pm
Thumping down on a dead man's chest
in an A & E trauma bed
Sometimes we bring them back to life
and sometimes they just stay dead
Thursday 20th February 2020 12:25 am
We're living upstairs now above the virus line
Well it's either that or wear the VPM constantly
75% of the third world population has died
No upstairs see
Some say it's a good thing
World population's now at manageable levels
Try telling that to the poor bastards
who literally shit themselves to death
That's the virus see
Food goes through you in a matter of ho...
Monday 10th February 2020 7:19 am
So Phillip Schofield's gay
Hip bloody hip hooray
It's on the Beeb
It's all the chat
Give the man a paper hat
Friday 7th February 2020 1:24 pm
My girlfriend and my girlfriend's mate
live in a flat on a council estate
They couldn't get one in the usual way
so they lied to the council and said they were gay
(Let's face it...who isn't these days?)
I threatened to report them as it goes against the grain
but since the threesomes started my attitude's changed
Tuesday 4th February 2020 8:29 am
There was an old whore from Darjeeling
who serviced her clients whilst kneeling
but it's harder to fake it
when knee caps can't take it
so now she just stares at the ceiling
Sunday 2nd February 2020 8:40 am
Thirty years ago when I was a postman I delivered 1000 letters a day to 500 houses. On a bike.
Postman Pat goes out on his round with a dozen letters and two packets. In a van.
It takes him all morning because he stops to chat with every customer, especially Mrs Goggins. He bangs on and on about the weather and how his barometer is forecasting snow even though the sun is splitting the paving...
Wednesday 29th January 2020 7:34 am
He's done it again that naughty boy
coming home at all hours
and bringing a multitude with him
I've told them to bugger off
Whatever will the neighbours think?
I've told him, the liar,
he's not the Messiah.
And that Judith the hussy
showing off her pubic hair
Mark my words she'll be his downfall
That's a cross he'll have to bear.
Friday 24th January 2020 8:54 am
The ayes have it, the ayes have it,
and with that the victors now hold sway
and those who don't can fade away.
We know for whom the bell tolls,
it's for the patronising bastards and the online trolls
who find it hard to accept they're no longer pulling the strings
of those who have moved on to better things.
Thursday 16th January 2020 9:34 am
I went down town on the bus
using my free bus pass
but found to my utter dismay
it was full of working class
What a complete misnomer
cos the thing for me that irks
is that whilst they are working class
few of them actually work
The bus smelt truly awful
of stale sweat, fags and beer
and chicken bhuna down the front
of fake designer gear
So I didn...
Wednesday 8th January 2020 11:16 pm