Poetry Blogs (2019, funny)
“Ooh, have you seen what Gail's put on Facebook?”
“About Jade's Spanish lodger? Right made me giggle.”
“Bet you can guess what's underlined in her phrase book!”
“When I told our Kylie she fainted in Lidl.”
“She said, ‘well that explains the bar through her nipple! ‘“
“She definitely has. I've seen it full frontal.”
“So I guess the kids have another new uncle?”
“What has she be...
Friday 15th February 2019 1:28 pm
This is my attempt at a true crime/romance/poetry crossover and it’s called “There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight”.
There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight
So I opened up my Macbook to send an email of complaint.
Look. You need to get a sense of perspective.
It’s petty, it’s sad, and you sound like a git.
Thursday 14th February 2019 10:05 pm
When you get writer's block
go for a walk
find a friend
have a talk
spin a top
watch birds flock
whatever you do
at a blank page
as the clock
Thursday 3rd January 2019 12:58 pm
One for Halloween, a cautionary tale if you don't eat your vitamins and read the Daily Mail...
I went out feeling left-wing one night
when my eyes were fixated on an eerie sight
in the sky, there was a full moon
and what happened next is like been in a cartoon
My nails grew long
I got sharpened teeth
there was hair
where they shouldn't be growing beneath
but fear not, this isn't a Werew...
Thursday 4th October 2018 2:53 pm
You see the chavs unveiling torsos
Which fashion hair that always grows
The shorts his distant cousin wears
Showing us sights that only scare
The ice cream man appears once more
Serving melting ice cream through his door
You hear the neighbours having a Barbie
An hour or two later they sound rather barmy
The neighbourhood drunk stumbles as usual
And vain young girls become rather delusion...
Friday 27th July 2018 12:30 am
Got fired from my call centre job for failing the exam. Took it while doing the night shift. First I've ever done graveyard. Can't say I like it. In fact, I bloody hate night work. Unless it's in a goth club, drinking beer or grinding.
Gonna get a new job. Jimmy Boom Semtex needs beer and tattoo cash. Give him a job and let him learn. Short term memory aside, he'll do his best. Make you laug...
Monday 19th February 2018 10:43 pm
That August day
made me pray
My head was pounding
like a woodpecker on
a metal roof
Could hardly see
my eyes were strabismic
in my disarranged
in my dim
pulled out the first
my quavering hands touched
I squinted my confused eyes
to examine the fine print...
Wednesday 6th September 2017 4:02 am
Oh to the sparkle ball
it calls for such beauty
Gown to the ground
Loveliness for sure
Prepare the face
to match the gown
Soon I'm wearing a frown
Pink sparkle eye shadow
became the enemy
My lid took offense
and prepared for defense
by developing a chalazion
Oh to the chalazion
so stubborn and at home
on my lid she sits
Tuesday 24th January 2017 7:25 am
Wearing rubber boots
I open the door
what kind of horror will I face?
Never been to this place
but heard of the legend
A black feline
with her fangs and claws
Got to follow her laws
or swiftly be corrected
She claimed this home
after living a life of abandoment
who was tired of the p...
Friday 23rd December 2016 8:21 pm
I woke up this morning a bit confused
ready to go to the kitchen and swallow my pills
They help my mind get straight
if I don't take them by eight
it's too late
I look at the clock OH NO I over slept
My thoughts start to gather and circle my room
I try to grab one but it escapes me
Words start to play bumper cars in my head
soon it feels like lead
Wednesday 14th December 2016 5:43 am
I wrote this for my now fiance not long after we first started seeing each other after her love for cats (and her tongue in cheek insistance she was one) inspired me to start writing again, after maybe 5 years of not picking up a pen. I recently proposed to her through a series of short poems taking us on a treasure hunt around Edinburgh looking for J K Rowling inspired landmarks, but that's anot...
Saturday 15th October 2016 12:43 pm
I cannot shed
My winters coat
At 22 degrees below
I'm still farming.....
Nearly starved last year
I know it's quite alarming.....
But mothers says
There aint enough
To get us through
The winters tough
With the horses I plow away....
Into the night from start of day....
We finally got
Our winters store
With that the horse
We plow no more
That's Winter farming....
I know it's k...
Wednesday 27th July 2016 5:56 pm
sort your napper out peter said,
with a name like yours that is sure to spread,
mycock sure knows what to do,
when he follows a bet all the way through.
We going to the dogs? he always asks,
but listening to mycock is just one of the tasks.
With his skinny torso and milk bottle legs,
he's got a secret little way of beating those eggs,
His big slug lips and tuna pasta bake,
yet all ...
Thursday 7th July 2016 7:59 pm
There was a woman named Jane,
Who never liked to see it rain.
So she listened to the song umbrella,
So she could dance with a nice fit fella.
All work and no play is grim,
So she goes to turkey for a little swim.
Off she goes for all inclusive,
Whilst she looks at all the exclusives.
Keep the drinks coming, it’s all paid for,
Whilst Jane settles down on the sea shore.
Cheers cock she l...
Thursday 7th July 2016 7:06 pm
They married young and grew apart, as people often do.
Future life for both of them will be with someone new.
The problem though, was cash so short
they could not move their home.
Until some savings could be made,
and low cost rents be found.
Circumstance demanded that
the bed must still be shared.
Things were tough, no time for fun,
except for weekend booze.
Friday 20th May 2016 5:10 pm
Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.
Presented by John Speaker
"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!
"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!
"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...
Friday 1st April 2016 10:01 pm
I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...
Monday 28th March 2016 10:45 pm
I'm going to give this context by starting off reading my old match and pof profile. This is genuinely real.
It's always hard to know what to say on these things so I'm just going to fill my profile with exaggeration and nonsense.
I would describe myself as a cross between Brad Pitts character in fight club and a sensitive fireman who likes kittens. Overall I'm pretty awesome. Kind, in...
Sunday 27th March 2016 4:18 pm
A LESSON THAT I TAUGHT
Here's a lesson that I taught...
I had this lesson. It were ace in my mind!
The planning was tight, concise, well timed
Going into the room - my stage
Put on the teacher face, the act
(My phone is buzzing but I don't react)
Lights, camera, action! You're on!
"Hi guys! Come in, unpack your things!"
Sunday 27th March 2016 4:07 pm
“But it’s not my fault”,
cried the mouse in dismay,
“I though I knew where I was
but appear to have lost my way”
Sat at the foot of my bed
with his hands under his head,
he tried through his tears
to relate what is here.
I set out early this morn
after nibbling on some corn
for my breakfast, on the cob is best.
I was raring to ...
Friday 19th June 2015 12:40 am
I look into the mirror, an old Woman is staring back at me!
AHH!, oh wait, it's just me.
Sunday 27th October 2013 11:51 pm
I'm the defective detective.
I marvel at the whiteness of frozen snow.
Left right upper leg.
Do you like beer?
No I like Ricky Gervais.
I'm inside the tumble dryer spinning in space.
Just made a hillinit bloody hooooot.
Why do I let the last 5 years drag me down?
Chained to me,
self destroying me from within.
I'm the Phantom Ray...
Wednesday 30th January 2013 6:57 pm
Aissur Teivos ni,
even the punchline is backwards.
Thursday 17th January 2013 2:44 pm
A little poem that is very much not in my usual style!
We have known each other a long time now,
and whilst I know you will always be there for me,
it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you the following:
We can no longer be together.
It’s not you.
I find I can’t keep away from you,
and I have so much work to do these days...
Thursday 27th September 2012 5:51 pm
ABSENT MINDED MOUSE I once saw a mouse, Upon a dolls house, A sniffing and twitching his nose. I asked how he was, And he looked right across, And said, "Not too bad, I suppose". I asked, "Are you waiting, For someone or thing?". He sighed, "No, I'm lost, And it's a fine ding-a-ling!". Said I, "Can I help or show you the way. Where were you headed or going today?". He sa...
Tuesday 3rd July 2012 11:04 pm
Friday 15th June 2012 11:55 pm
Sunday 20th November 2011 8:10 am
The following is a
very silly poem
There was a girl named Shirley
whose hair was short and curly.
She never wanted to go anywhere
she hated her short curly hair.
Her mom would say, "Let's
go to the park."
Shirley would say
"Not until after dark."
There came a man
with a silly son...
Sunday 18th September 2011 4:35 pm
We run down the street to escape the local cops.
I went into the liquor store with my mate Arnie –
we looked around and spied that big fat gringo:
together we said, “Give us the cash, this is a stick up!”
He had no option – we were the guys with a sawn off.
Then it was off down the street with four bags of cash,
our haul for the day and an ea...
Sunday 28th August 2011 4:00 pm
This onion could make any
man, woman or child cry...
but not with malcontent maliciousness.
No, tears of joy and laughter
bellow like church bells or sumo gongs
from the eyes of his audience.
He is without arms or legs,
he's carried on stage
whilst carrying the audience
on his shoulders... if he had any....
Tuesday 7th June 2011 11:16 pm
“How was it for you?”
“You’re the best I’ve had so far today”
A lust of love that never ends
“How was it for you?”
“I’ve had better”
The end of a romance
And a murmur of a love
That could have been
“How was it for you?”
A question thought
But never asked
A love that is deceived
An acknowledgement of ...
Tuesday 17th May 2011 9:15 pm
'She said / He said'
She mocked me
With full intent
Her tongue like a razor
To slice right through me
“This is not Poetry” she said
“It doesn’t even rhyme”
As I turned to her and said
“By your command...
But my inner self
Is not on demand
It’s not as fine
As the grains of sand
But also... not so bland”
Just like her look
She went away
Friday 29th April 2011 12:04 pm
Dearest Justin Timberlake
Firstly, hello! Thanks for reading
I like that music that you make.
It’s brill that you’re succeeding.
When N Sync split I must’ve died.
But then I heard your solo years
And your first album – Justified
Is the sole reason I have ears.
But now you’re making movies
And Oscars, you may hold -
In your trailer sipping smoothies
Mixed with caviar and g...
Thursday 21st October 2010 12:52 am
There are so many people with their dicks out on the net
I don’t want to watch a man wank off on Chatroulette
or see you sell your wares on interweb gaylairs, cock out
arse up, backwards lean, angles gleam’d to make you look
good. No, thanks, I will not ‘post my cock pix pls’.
At least in a way there’s dignity in porn you see
for some might say at...
Tuesday 30th March 2010 2:40 am