Bah ratcha tas contavalaz

you rase-neflapher’d wagicaud!

Condaver haufin polysnip!

I’ll tell you just where you can stick

your pi-calogin traginine!

You heard me right you doboline.

Go rosigate your dodgisnap

you traginated jollipap!

Xysnerf neflected nillidip!

Take that YOU LILLY ARKABLIP!

COE SNAZE I-CAVIN WAJALLAY!!

BI-ROPKI LISHNIF DOBIKAY!!!

FLANT-AG-LACATE...

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A Grave Mistake!

Alf and Elsie - such a pair. Inseparable, throughout.

A paragon of ‘love and care’ (no shadow of a doubt).

Down’t pit until retirement, Alf was ‘Yorkshire, born and bred’.

Which met his wife’s requirement (strong int th’arm and thick int th’ead!)

But, after sixty years of bliss, came by ‘that dreadful day’

when Alfie, with a tender kiss, sent Elsie ‘on ...

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Apologies, in advance, for the rude words !

Folk who pee in public places (treating them as ‘loos’).

‘Concert-girls’, on partners’ shoulders, blocking others’ views.

Kids that kick your airplane seat whilst parents just ignore.

Gits who queue-jump at the bar -‘though you were there before.

Those who walk straight past you, without thanks .... or smiles.... or nods.

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”You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say. 

But I think that I may have ‘come-up’ with a way, 

involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue 

(and a bit of a ‘heads-up’, in just what to do!).  

But, if I decided to give it a ‘bash’, 

that would leave a spare head and a body (to stash)! 

Which seems such a waste of a woman or man.

So, now I’ve develop...

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So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues

are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead. 

It’s another “sexist” issue 

that is messing with me ‘ead!  

It seems, the major problem 

is all centred around ‘Man’. 

Folk find this word offensive 

but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !

I’m fearing for the future 

if this nonsense carries on. 

‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ from everything

 in fav...

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I met this gorgeous woman for some ‘afternoon-delight’.

When we ventured back to her place (well and truly ‘outta-sight’!).

We scurried up the stairs and very soon were ‘in flagrante’.

My clothes were off as she approached, in just her bra and panties.

We intertwined, to ‘moan and grind’, intent on pure ‘amour’

But soon were interrupted by the thumping of a door.

My lov...

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Size Matters!

Jack and Jill were getting wed.

(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).

“But, let me give you, Son,” he said

“some fatherly advice.

On the day, I wed yer mam

I nipped ‘er straight indoors.

And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am

I soon laid down the laws.

I boldly took mi trousers off

and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’

She drowned within a sea of cloth

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The Trouble With Nuts!

The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.

But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.

It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed

they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!

Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.

Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).

A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...

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'Double' Act !

In Nineteen Ninety Four,

a young man took the floor

for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!

He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster

as he struggled out, to master

his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.

The host (then), Matthew Kelly

introduced him on the ‘telly’,

saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.

I’ve been told, a year ago,

...

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Jesus Wants You! 

He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass, 

to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass. 

And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through, 

out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.” 

He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation? 

Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...

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When you get writer's block
go for a walk

find a friend 
have a talk

blow bubbles
spin a top

count stars
watch birds flock

whatever you do 

don't stare 
at a blank page

as the clock
goes tick-tock. 
 

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https://youtu.be/kx6C248MQeQ

On being young and foolish at the second muddiest Glastonbury Festival in history. 

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i fell so hopelessly in love with a freckle-faced dalek
she was sitting in the park on a swing farouche alone
yet we got chatting and one thing naturally led to the other
so we rolled into a nearby quarry
where she plugged the scintillating us into a pylon
we mind-melded moons stars power-stations and suns
please don't feel envious of our cosmical abandon 
or this most unique slap-and-tickl...

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{Don't Care~Don't Want To Hear It} 

I don't care anymore

I don't wanna hear it anymore 

Because I am moving on I am moving forward with or without you or without you in my life and that is your decision but choose wisely 

Because when I walk out that door that means that I am closing the door behind me shutting you out completely and you will have the ever essence of what was...

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{How Could You Miss Something You Never Had?}

It's sad to say

that for a long

time now I

would be missing

you but in reality

how could I

miss something

I never really

had in the

first place 

Yes it started

off by me

missing the

sound of your

deep voice 

And the tender

touches of your

hand against

my skin

A...

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{Diary Of The Southern Queen Entry #25 {Rose's Are Red Poems #1} 

? Rose's are red,

Violet's are blue,

Now you are nothing

but a lame ass? joker 

that needs to have

his croaker 

removed all together

so there 

won't be no more

forced

innocent victims that

you can

capture `n` then 

killing them 

slowly 

? Rose's are red,

Violet's are ...

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{In The Big House Now} 

Well here I am

sitting in the big

? house now

and I can't 

escapefrom in

here and oh 

shit what do

I say now {oh

yes you best 

bringyour ass

down here to 

bail me the hell 

out of the big

? house now} 

©One_Pissed_Off_American_Ghost_Writer/Tina Glover 12/06/2017 all rights reserved 

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{Black ? Sheep} 

As the black ? sheep is an outcast in your eyes 

But if that black ? sheep gets the chance they will be the one's leading the pack 

Because they can only with stand so much hurt and pain until one day they will strike you without warning they will deploy a decoy to get you to believe them and having you hooked like reading a old romantic book...

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sylvia plath
oh how you made us laugh
alas 
if only you had used a microwave oven

ted hughes
like all great poets
you were great with women weren't you
and to be fair
you also wrote a really good poem about a fox
and you got laid many times because of it
and apparently three of your loves killed themselves
three 
and then you published some poems about one of them
but not the other ...

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I've fallen deeply in love with the girl 
Hiding in the electronic check-out number four.

She never sounds sad or angry.
Her perfect, modulated tones,
Oh, how I wish to take her home.

There she hides beneath the screen,
"Please place the item in the bag..",
So I respectfully place my vegan mayonnaise,
In the bag.

In the past,
Leaning close to her bar-code reader,
I've whisper...

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(folks, this one is a bit of an epic, so have a cup of tea ready, or perhaps a few shots of vodka..)

And Lo
So let it be said
And let it also be written thus
And let it be passed down through the generations
Like rare unicorn musk..

There was once a man so wise
And this wise man was a very wise man
And he did offer me deeply learned counsel
And he did point to a very far away pla...

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A handful of commuters,
On the platform,
Waiting,
Were waiting,

A man -
Some bloke,
Walked past me,
And up to the self-service confectionery machine,
And started making noises: huh! huh! hoohauuh! hooh-hoh!

So..
I asked myself that inevitable question:
Should I turn around?
Should I turn around?
Do I really need to see why this man -
This bloke -
Is making these strange noises?

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So the scents of pre cornflake sex
And post energy drink breath
Pervades the carriage like a squid squadron infusion..

Acrid lemon bleach musk cologne
Tinkly-plink-thud beats effervesce from earphones
She leans arching on the glass pane knackered
Eye-liner Rothko remastered
Her groin marine satyr
Not so lucky a bastard
She receives a sext from another torpedo piece of spam with pecs
Ni...

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Human resources -
She works in human resources.
Don't tell anyone.

Sometimes I hear those screams from her basement;
Screams like giving birth to a fully grown and functioning dentist.

Then, after the screams,
There's that familiar matryoshka doll silence.

The crooked blood leaks from her sleek harbinger mouth,
As she carries the sleek heavy-duty plastic refuse bags,
One by one,
To...

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I'm rushing below the firmament in a submarine
Pulled up by balloons 
Rocket thrusters won't work in a vacuum
The torrid plasma liquid washes over the viewing screen
And the Hubble telescope cannot anywhere be seen
This periscope doesn't recognise the space handed to us it seems..

Am I floating beneath the epidermis of a prison planet scheme
I fear this is way beyond my theosophical steam
...

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I had to write this poem 
because I thought of this one great line,
What do you think -
will it stand the test of time?

Well, I had to write it down
to deter other poets stealing this idea;
You know lines are clutched from the atmosphere,
Or they fall like apples, spill over like beer.

I had to write this poem,
Because I thought of this one great line;
Like a beat messiah,
My acid m...

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Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is  

In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better 
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain ...

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(Inspired by Write Out Loud's discussion thread: Poem of the Week)

So
This week
It can be announced Gong-Ka-Bong
That this poem
Is Poem of the Week
Art 
Love
And a celebration of the communing with our etheric higher sense
Amen
So
Let us join together
And let the blood-letting commence

Observe the cowering bastards sit on the fence
Poets can be a vicious breed
Almost as obnoxiou...

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https://youtu.be/Qov_y6PMrw8

I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
With my burgled geranium eyes.
I'm on the Forest Gate Mystery Train,
Sighing goldfish clock sardine spies.

Spammed atomic; trolleyed marine,
Frost-buckled arms glow margarine,
Slender dolls slalom offside knees,
Capsules backslide into the stalagmite City.

Tutankhamen consortia;
Shoulder-penguins soggy cadge the dap...

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Childish I'm sure
But the way that pavement cyclist 
Pedestrian-pranged me his signature 
I became his press-ganged human speed-bump
Suffering concrete-kissing discomfiture
Well he certainly deserved nothing less
than the back hand of my pierian
So as the pebble-assed smurf pelted away
Revolving dalek camera on his pompous high viz head
I brushed myself down
Bracing myself for what I a...

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You should have been here yesterday
Ten thousand flamingos danced all over the square
A bouquet of jasmine blooms filled the air
Golden geese spiralled a mid-air fanfare
Peace doves gently dropped ribbon boxes of chocolate eclairs

You should have been here yesterday
Billionaires gave away their mansions and wares
Rare paintings
             and rare cars 
                       with fre...

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