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andy n

Tue 28th Jun 2011 08:15

Top stuff, Rach..

Not 100% sure about 'For this is how it is
And how it always was' as it could be slowing down the action in the build up to the piece.

However, the last stanza is a corker and it's a cracking piece either way.

Keep em coming (thought you had stopped writing for a bit but i knew they would start flowing naturally) x

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andy n

Tue 28th Jun 2011 08:13

Really enjoyed this Charlotte, but i'm in the same boat as Antony here with the 'Red like Denial' bit as it is perhaps a little over-done... However, there is some really good stuff in this for example 'From sunset to the first shards of sunlight' because of shards.

i would like to know more about the main character however - whether this would be a longer piece or a series of pieces, i'm not sure but i would like to know more..

Keep em coming. A x



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Ann Foxglove

Tue 28th Jun 2011 06:35

Great! It sounds even more surreal a la spell check! "All misty were the bigraphers" is rather charming. Sounds like they were writing about Lady Di or something! (Gotta go - my tea's grilling!)

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Ann Foxglove

Tue 28th Jun 2011 06:31

Make sure they ain't piranas then John! I thought you were going to offer to take the place of the fish for the ladies' foot thing! All that nibblin'! :)

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John Embley

Mon 27th Jun 2011 23:56

Christ - it makes you wonder what's happened in the world -- everybody should rage against this death of empathy, and responsibility for the care of those who gave us what we have, and above all, the horrible lack of well-deserved respect -- something missing from society in general.
PS - I'm only a year or so younger than Jenny, and I was slammed in a 'geriatric' ward after an illness a few years ago -- I know what she must be feeling.
Correction -- I can sense a little of what Jenny must be feeling -- I think I am much more fortunate than she is, thank God.
And you're right, Dave -- bloody Tories never listen unless you're talking their language -- money, savings thereof, for the benefit of their supporters.

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winston plowes

Mon 27th Jun 2011 22:23

Hi Charlotte, great to see you on WOL. Have a look round and you will find lots of poets you have performed with already. Win x

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Greg Freeman

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:46

It can be a nightmare world. My mother is happy in her care home, and receives pretty good care, thank goodness. At a price, of course. I hear what you're saying, Dave, but I don't think any political party has come up with an answer to all this.

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Greg Freeman

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:38

I'm guessing the numbers refer to one fewer Facebook friend. Hope the person concerned is not a fellow WOL poet? (Quickly checks his Facebook profile. Phew ...) In that case, sounds like you're well rid, Alison!

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John Embley

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:37

'Four hundred and seventy two', I guess, is the number of 'friends' recorded on some social networking site, like Facebook.
It's hard to decide to 'dump' someone as a 'friend', though, even in this artificial environment, isn't it?
Nicely put sentiments, Alison.
I'd guess that '472' is a much larger number of 'friends' than you have recorded on your profile, because 'friend' has a much deeper meaning for you.

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winston plowes

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:12

Not sure I understand the numbers here? You have managed to get accross a feeling of casting off and misplaced frendship though. Win x

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winston plowes

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:07

Hi Alison

Thanks for your comment on Mish-mash. It was indeed a thin gap. From my view I could see the dog in this gap like a silouette. Horible :-(

I will try and write something more cheery next time! Win x

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Isobel

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:04

I like the biblical imagery and the deceptive simplicity of the ending.

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Isobel

Mon 27th Jun 2011 21:01

Yes - the path of love isn't paved with gold. Instead, as your poem suggests, infidelity, disappointment and boredom seem to be more common. I think it is better to approach any relationship with an expectation of nothing - doing fond is probably less likely to lead to let down. The end of your poem seems to suggest hope though - weary hope - but hope nonetheless. You are maybe less cynical than me.

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Isobel

Mon 27th Jun 2011 20:52

Lovely sexy poem - but what a frustrating end to the evening! I like the way you mould the bodies to the beat of the drums Cynthia. I'm liking the idea of that third limb, also... Dancing can be incredibly erotic and you capture that, appealing to all the senses.

I'm hoping this is a foot poem - the tag is 'feet' if so... x




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Greg Freeman

Mon 27th Jun 2011 20:07

Ian, I'm absolutely certain that the general contest is open to all, but the Leeds prize is only for those with an LS postcode ... now I've just checked by clicking on the link in the story, and that is the case. Hope you enter, and good luck if you do! Greg

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Alison Smiles

Mon 27th Jun 2011 20:03

Loved this. That last line is like being stabbed.

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Pete Slater

Mon 27th Jun 2011 18:51

Thanks for the welcome message Ann.
As for the head ... afraid that's only one of them. Hope it doesn't heal soon though.

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 27th Jun 2011 18:45

I like your sample poems - welcome to WOL.

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 27th Jun 2011 18:43

Welcome to WOL. I like your poem "Jimmy's Cliff". I hope you enjoy the site.

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 27th Jun 2011 18:37

Lovely Cynthia. xx

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winston plowes

Mon 27th Jun 2011 18:08

Hi Ann, re mish-mash, you are always more than welcome to stick your nose in whenever. Yes it should be wound (2 meanings here for the price of one as in pt of wind and an injury) Thx ;-) )

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Pete Slater

Mon 27th Jun 2011 17:39

Had my first open mic experience at the Ring o' Bells last night.
Nice folk, nice atmosphere, good feedback. Thoroughly enjoyed it. "I'LL BE BACK!!"

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 27th Jun 2011 16:54

Ok, I sound like a looksfaschist! It's just, if I were a gal, well, they ain't very sexy are they? But jolly nice though! Mumford & Sons are very very nice. ;)

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 27th Jun 2011 16:39

Sounds great! At the risk of sounding like a grovelling keanie - who do I make the cheque out to? Is it Arvon or WOL? I'd guess Arvon.

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Antony Owen

Mon 27th Jun 2011 16:27

On a positive note I could see you striving to translate the images into the context of a poem. At times it works such as light immluminating the stems and the image of veins.
Where it doesn't work are lines like 'red like denial' and 'dancing like she had nothing left' for me these don't conjure up a thought process as they are full stop images and not provocative. Images like field of blood are often used and obvious and I can see you are experimental and gutsy in creating images. As a draft there is lots of positives and I myself spent a lot of time drafting my collection of war poems but keep distilling the images and remamber that drafts offer more possibilities.

Good Luck.

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Jeff Dawson

Mon 27th Jun 2011 16:06

Hi Charlotte thanx for comment, well spotted error, I've corrected it! It's usually me going on about those spelling errors, it drives me mad! I think I swapped lines round that much! Anyway, good to hear that you thought iut was appropriate to raise and have a look at yourself. Hope to see you soon, maybe guitar n verse next week. not read your book yet but looking forward to it! Jeff x

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Terry White

Mon 27th Jun 2011 15:07

My Summer schedule is off the wall right now, I have school almost every waking minute that I'm not at work. I'll post all my new stuff when the semester ends.

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winston plowes

Mon 27th Jun 2011 14:57

Hope you escaped the mud and are now happily recovering from the fest! Win x

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Julian (Admin)

Mon 27th Jun 2011 14:02

Hey, fantastic Linda. Well done. See how Write Out Loud can get you top gigs. It is ironic because there have been several refernces to such matters recently on Write Out Loud, not least my reportage blog of yesterday.
so, you turnign up to read at Stockport next, Linda. Or Sale tomorrow, Waterside Arts Centre. I know your stuff will go down really well in the open mic.

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pretty-little-roses

Mon 27th Jun 2011 14:00

Oh to sing the Song of Soloman and to know the joy of true love only to have it tainted by the touch of lust and betrayal, sometime it may not be better to have loved and lost but to never have loved at all. A wonderfully worded piece with delightful and realistic symbologies..one of your best rachel

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jabulani mzinyathi

Mon 27th Jun 2011 13:41

thanks people for all these comments. these are always welcome. a deafening silence is what an artist may not find much pleasure in.[depends!] let us keep sharing ideas. dave yeah i like your input about obscene and absurd. that is what it really is. laura you got it right but am not really a fan of tricky but of peter tosh overshadowed by bob to a large extent!

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Marc Anthony

Mon 27th Jun 2011 13:17

Loved the first poem on here...reflective images of the past for me...Fluent pictures.

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Alan Morrison

Mon 27th Jun 2011 12:48

Mike, I have to say that I don't think that you are sad. Not in utterly real terms. You have a view of yourself as sad, which is different; and you dwell on the sadder aspects of your life. But the fact that you rise waaay above your doldrums with your words and thoughts shows that you can transcend mere sadness. Mating in the Heather is a joyous activity! If only I could flick a switch in your head and turn on the light which reveals who you really are! If you coukd begin to see yourself as others see you then even more magic will happen. But you are who you are and I love you. Thank you for the words above about your Street(s). :-)

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Julian (Admin)

Mon 27th Jun 2011 09:51

I find this really powerful, Charlotte, as it certainly sounded last night at the Middleton Write Out Loud. Thanks for sharing this.

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John Coopey

Sun 26th Jun 2011 23:31

Thanks for your comments on Piggies, Cynthia.
I'm not owning up to any special interest!

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John Coopey

Sun 26th Jun 2011 23:29

"PERVY!!! PERVY???". That was me trying to be sexy.
I did actually write it on a train - very uncomfortable

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John Coopey

Sun 26th Jun 2011 23:28

"PERVY!!! PERVY???". That was me trying to be sexy.
I did actually write it on a train - very uncomfortable.

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Christopher Dawson

Sun 26th Jun 2011 22:38

Thanks guy, very kind, fortunately not me or mine, I've no direct experience there.

It was actually the girl in the pic, she was in the news this week.

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Isobel

Sun 26th Jun 2011 22:02

Thanks for your comments on my last two Cate. Not sure enough peeps would understand the last one to perform it.
Re the first one, I had dad in mind when I wrote about the tally. I have vivid recollections of him being delighted every time on of his work colleagues popped it. 'You never guess who's died' being the first thing he'd say as I walked through the door... Poor Harry Pickworth...

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Cate Greenlees

Sun 26th Jun 2011 21:33

Such a clever fun piece Isobel! A great performance one too!
Cate xx

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Philipos

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:36

Hi Dave re; The Railway Children, that picture referred to was hanging on a wall of a local hostelry from where I gained my inspiration but glad you like the general theme of the muse. Many thanks for commenting.

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Philipos

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:34

Hi Dave the picture referred to was hanging on a wall of a local hostelry from where I gained my inspiration but glad you like the general theme of the muse. Thanks for commenting.

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andy n

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:32

love it, Cynthia.. x

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andy n

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:32

terrible story, julian but well said.. i agree with dave here totally..

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andy n

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:30

well done, Kath.. I agree with Alan too over it.. I am registered with Lulu.. Will defo order it when I start ordering some stuff next from there..

Proud of you x

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Dave Bradley

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:21

Trouble is the Tories won't be reading this and aren't listening

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 26th Jun 2011 20:08

An unbearable situation. Well said Julian - and good luck Jenny.x

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Dave Bradley

Sun 26th Jun 2011 19:00

I liked this - it is poignant without being sentimental. Would the photo have been a good accompaniment?

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Dave Bradley

Sun 26th Jun 2011 18:53

(-:

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Julian (Admin)

Sun 26th Jun 2011 17:48

You already are.

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