Fri 17th Jul 2009 23:54
Hi Cynthia, thanks for your input - actually, I also like the first ending too! - I still have a copy of the alternate draft and maybe I'll return to it later, or take a completely different route. I can get a little 'bogged down' sometimes and end up completely undecided about which version works best, or at all.
But again - thank-you very much for your insight - it is very helpful.
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Dave D Poet Rhumour
Fri 17th Jul 2009 22:52
Hi Jane - thanks for commenting upon 'Brand New View' - perhaps that's one Orchid that won't fade :)
I rather enjoyed your distinctive style of apple power too
Comment is about jane wilcock (poet profile)
Original item by jane wilcock
Fri 17th Jul 2009 22:25
Hi Jane. I enjoyed reading your work,especially Apple Power. There is a richness of language and sense of history in your poems that is very enjoyable. Also, from your reference to Winter Hill I'm guessing you are from my neck of the woods (Bolton/Wigan)?
Fri 17th Jul 2009 22:16
I feel as if you have given me that orchid, beautiful
Comment is about Brand New View (blog)
Original item by Dave Dunn
Fri 17th Jul 2009 20:13
Thanks for commenting Isobel, glad you enjoyed it.
All comments are welcome lass whether I know folk or not - Cynthia is quite right to pull me up on the extraneous apostrophes, bit of a blind moment there - it's exactly the sort of error I've often pointed out to my daughter, lol.
Thanks again, Dave
Fri 17th Jul 2009 19:47
Hi, thanks for your comment. It's good that someone seen the funny side of my words. I love your poem about the inner beast, it's something that has took me 28 years to control! So I know where your coming from.
Comment is about Puppy breath (blog)
Original item by Andrea
Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:49
Nice one Cynthia, much cleverer than mine. Two of my favourite poems are "Emperor Moon" by Gary Snyder and "When I heard the learned astronomer" by Walt Whitman. Both on similar themes. We're in good company.
Comment is about Television Moon (after the Moon Landing, July, 1969) (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:45
Good poem Mike, great use of rhyme, big message, clever structure, accessible but not dumb, sensitive, well done.
Comment is about Dear Mam (blog)
Original item by Mike Anthony
Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:32
first of all, thanks for your comments. I'm a new poet, in fact i've only been writing a few weeks. However, I feel that sometimes people are quick to assume that I wasn't brought up in a council house. Have never been on benefits and that both my parents speak fluent English. My points were meant to shock in places but also written tongue in cheek given my background.
Comment is about Primarni (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:26
A lovely poem Dave - I don't often like poems about nature or still life but this isn't still life and some things can take your breath away and be so hard to describe as you capture so well. I'm presuming you know previous commentors well. Such pointed one sided commentary can only come from very good friends indeed.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:11
Hello Cynthia - thank you for your kind comments on 'Brand New View' - I have removed the offending apostrophes now - good of you to draw my attention to that oversight :)
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Fri 17th Jul 2009 17:52
Simply super ... spare of word and steeped in worldliness.
Comment is about Searching for Chains (blog)
Original item by sian howell
Fri 17th Jul 2009 17:40
Dave, I really like this, the idea and the charm of the language used. But, because you're working almost in the basic couplet form, I personally would like all of it to scan as well as the last four lines ... a little 'tighter' as they say. By the way, so you'll know, 'it's' means 'it is' and 'its' means 'belonging to' as in 'its beauty'. Just a smallish point, but it is a reading bump.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 17:12
Dave, this is really good; I greatly enjoyed it. May I ask if you have read my own Television Moon? I only do so because we share so much of the same sentiment.
Comment is about Ten Years After (blog)
Original item by Dave Morgan
Fri 17th Jul 2009 17:01
Mike, this is really good. I like the strength of your lines, the ungarnished imagery with your keen eye for detail - visual, emotional and psychological. What a damning exposure of one of our main social problems.
Comment is about A Beaten Track (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 16:48
Are these powerful lines just swelling out of you now with the events of this past week? Or have you been hovering over them for awhile, spinning them in your head? Very heart-rending images skillfully shared.
Comment is about Two war poems (edited!) (blog)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
Fri 17th Jul 2009 16:41
Good one, Steve, very good. I like the universality of it ... could be a partner, father, brother ... an insightful social comment.
Comment is about the man I love to hate (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 15:09
yes i think biscuits , warm biscuits :)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 15:08
I love puppy paws too shoeless - they smell like biscuits!
Fri 17th Jul 2009 15:07
I liked your approach to this subject. It reminds me of Eminem's "Stan" - mixing the everyday with tragedy. It would be good to hear an audio - or better still watch you perform it live.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 15:05
lol , for me its puppy tums and puppy paws , i love the smell before they start to go out , other folks tell me it smells of wee :)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 14:52
a shocking end , no one should have to suffer so .
such a gentle start in life too, a little star
i almost wish i hadnt read the poem to the end
Comment is about A poetess worth words (blog)
Original item by stephen smith
Fri 17th Jul 2009 13:11
I checked out the website you mentioned.
Saw your profile too. Very interesting artwork on there and some great poetry by yourself. I'll visit it again soon.
I need to stay away from ''darkness'' though for a while. I try to focus on the angelic and light.
Comment is about Barrie Singleton (poet profile)
Original item by Barrie Singleton
Fri 17th Jul 2009 11:59
Having just 'sampled you' Stephen, I see we are in accord. Your comment on 'Loss Leader' was the one I wished to provoke. Thanks.
Dear Maggie was, of course, worse than a dead loss.
Comment is about stephen smith (poet profile)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 11:45
Not being a drinker - apart from the occasional glass of wine, I found these anthems to Martini and its obvious effects fascinating. Alcohol obviously loosens the tongue and the inhibitions - it's the morning after effects I dislike, leaving one both shaken AND stirred! Number IV was my favourite.
Comment is about Martini Moments (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 11:39
I think you have captured the allure of that secret moment of intoxication !
Fri 17th Jul 2009 11:33
Barry, I'm glad you'e saying what should be siad...the choreographed hypocrisy of a military funeral is truly nauseating and you've rent the curtain!
Comment is about Loss leader (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:57
Thanks all for your comments. I would have you know that not everything I write is autobiographical! Yes, it is written frrom a male perspective - how strange then to only get reviews from the fairer sex. Perhaps the Lad's Mag brigade don't frequent these pages. I guess the poem was meant to illustrate the raw power of physical attraction for men, a power that seems to override all other insticts - including common sense. Those damned hormones can be a real pain in the . . . but fun too! ;-)
Comment is about risk (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:51
the reason i included the ''diamond'' and ''ice'' in my original post was to show a different image than the clichéd ''clear as crystal.''
To be completely honest. If i learned all the rules of writing poetry, i would stop writing altogether. Maybe i shouldn't be attempting poetry at all. I always seem to get something wrong and believe me when i say that is not a slight against your critique which really is welcome.
Maybe i should stick to story telling. I know i'm good at including imagery and injecting the right emotions for best effect.
Seems to me that everyone is allowed to break the rules just so long as they've studied hard before-hand. I just cut out the middle man. :-)
Thanks for your insight and i'm sure it will help someone else too. That's what's good about this website.
Comment is about The Healer (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:50
Cat, enjoyed your stuff last night. Wonderful!
Comment is about Cat P (poet profile)
Original item by Cat P
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:44
I feel you've chosen a few "soft-targets" for this poem. People who live in council housing, exist on benefits, have children and very little disposable income. Like Cynthia I feel that the line is misplaced - should we deride someone for not being fluent in English? The real targets here are a system which exploits slave labour in far east sweatshops to produce cheap goods for sale in the UK, a political system which has failed to educate the disadvanted poor and denied them opportunities and the greed of large corporations who have no moral scruples as to where their profits come from. Your poetry is very competent, if a little raw around the edges, but I find this theme and the way you portray it to be a little questionable - some may even find it offensive.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:29
Please don't stop including adjectives! Why shouldn't a poet use adjectives? I know the current trend in writing is to do away with the use of all adjectives/adverbs, but I can't say I've ever understood the reason for it. "Show not tell" is a good maxim, but that isn't always possible with the poetic form. For me it's not about not using adjectives/adverbs, but using the right ones, in the right context, in the right places. I think it's important to try to avoid cliched adjectives and to try to bring a fresh perspective to an image - unless you're doing it for a well-understood reason, but other than that, learn the rules - and then learn how to break them all!
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:19
I found this to be an interesting poem, and a very different take on a tragic case. You have blended your ideas and themes well here. I wanted to read some of the poetry Shafi left behind and have tried to find it on the web, but with no luck.If you have access I would love to see it.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:16
Do you not see how offensive the line "and half of them ... fucking English' actually is? The poem carries its humour without that slur.
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:12
Thank you Cynthia for your comment on my poem. How do you mean presentation disciplined?
Anyway, I like this poem , it touches that nerve we have when we have children and then see those who have had no other reason to be but parents..where does love go? Carried away by the loved and the residue condensed into a cat or a dog?
Comment is about Oh, Daughters, My Daughters! (blog)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 09:55
This is one of my favourite poems of yours; beautiful, gentle and traquil - delightful!
Fri 17th Jul 2009 09:28
It's my idea of shopping hell too Mike! Good subject, love it!
Fri 17th Jul 2009 09:08
Fantastic stuff Sophie! Love the way your brain works! :-)
Comment is about Why I stole David Cameron’s bicycle (blog)
Original item by Sophie Hall
Fri 17th Jul 2009 00:15
This case disturbs me too, especially when seen in the light of previous events:
Comment is about US/UK Extradition Treaty Debate in Parliament 15 July 2009 (blog)
Original item by Alain English
Thu 16th Jul 2009 23:40
Isobel and Francine are right Pete. We're not all the same. If we were this life would be a very boring existence.
It is disheartening though when we feel let down because of misinterpretations or other things which get to us when we're not feeling very strong or tetchy depending on which end you're at. Overcoming the testing times can be hard work but is all part of the bigger picture. Is it worth it? Well only you can decide that!
One sided friendships/relationships never work for long without returning to the same gripes over and over again. Communication is the key. Without that you have nothing and even that is a two way process. See?
I like the way you've expressed the emotions in this Pete. You have a knack of doing that whether it is personal to you or not.
Comment is about on the outside (blog)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 22:49
cheers me dear. prose looks exciting! i havnt the time to read it now, but am looking forward to sitting down with a brew and having a proper peruse...xx
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (poet profile)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 21:56
I'm glad you are back posting again Pete - your poetry cannot be ignored and goes straight to the heart of things. Not sure how much of this is based on personal experience and how much you are getting into the mind of a character as you have done in other poems. It is a sad one. But who said we are all supposed to be the same? That is not my experience. Re human nature - I would say there are more good people than bad on the whole. Us humans are very flawed though and each one to a different level. It is easy to see a flaw that you don't have yourself - not so easy to see your own. Or maybe I'm just talking shit.
Thu 16th Jul 2009 21:51
Really like this...
Some people are truly good and give from the heart, and other people have hidden agendas... Not everyone is the same.
Thu 16th Jul 2009 19:22
Hello Anthony. This will be brief as I am clobbered by adversity right now. You clearly have wide talent. Loved the prose style and was getting drawn in, but no time. Thanks for comment on 'Loss Leader'.
Thu 16th Jul 2009 17:24
Thanks for your comments, it's always good to have some constructive criticism. Reading through some of your stuff I like the way that you set the scene. Good stuff ma man!
Answering your question about who inspires me?... I share a house with Mia Darlone! enough said! ha ha
Comment is about Dave Morgan (poet profile)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 16:41
You are far too kind Cynthia, but thank you anyway.
A lot of people don't like this kind of stuff which I turn out from time to time whe n I am moved by something with feelings that I simply cannot express other than in verse. I don't think it will ever go anywhere other than this website though. :-)
Comment is about For The Love Of Little Children (blog)
Original item by Malpoet
Thu 16th Jul 2009 15:43
Beautiful imaginative ideas pouring out of your mind in lovely phrases. I think they now need more discipline in presentation. But the originality sings out.
Comment is about Seasoned (blog)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 15:39
Quite fascinating...... I thought it was an old Celtic legend until I read your comment to Isobel!!
Comment is about Did a Spirit Knock On Rossbawns Walls (blog)
Original item by Tomás Ó Cárthaigh
Thu 16th Jul 2009 15:27
This poem is brilliant, so subtly and chillingly does it expose the situation. This is a poem fit for the future studies of literature.
Thu 16th Jul 2009 15:18
Beautiful descriptive lines here.
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