Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:59
Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)
Original item by Deborah Jordan
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:56
Take all on board and agree with all too. Two focus's (foci?) worried me too - will have a think!"I want soft images" maybe? Or "in and out of definition"? Oh no - I used definition before. Help! Not enough words in the english language! ;-)
Comment is about HD (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:40
Hi Kealan... This one is outstanding for me amongst recent blog entries. It is complete, rounded and serves up an atmosphere to savour without too much searching. Win
Comment is about Beach. (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:15
I enjoyed this. I read it aloud and it sounded better. is there more? Seems like there should be.
Comment is about Christmas Message (blog)
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:06
Loved this Ann . Steves suggestions all work for me too. what about the repeat of the word 'focus' in the first part ? can there be an alternative?
We comment because we like! Win x
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 23:03
No, no.....only Blackpool.... maybe Ormskirk
Comment is about urban planning (blog)
Original item by Banksy
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 22:55
how do Banksy?
I know what you mean. A bit of thermonuclear action might clear all our sinuses.
Thanks for the comment
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 22:37
This is a heavenly poem. Sad and lovely, and spoke to me, who lost someone almost exactly two years ago.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 22:35
Thanks for your comments on my HD poem. I agree with what you say. As so often, I rushed to put the poem on. Have turned breath into breathe, which is what it was meant to be. I think my problem is that my poems jump into my head then right onto the page without me thinking much about them! Nice to get such a lot of caring feedback! xx
Comment is about garside (poet profile)
Original item by garside
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 21:37
Comment is about Tommy Carroll (poet profile)
Original item by Tommy Carroll
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 21:31
Yes I like the new structure Steve suggests also - it adds. I hope you won't feel got at though Ann. Just so long as people don't do it to every poem you write, it can be a really worthwhile experience. I can remember having a lot of outside input into one of mine once and it was helpful - though I ended up just adding the different versions underneath - the important thing for me in every poem being the message in it rather than the dotting of Is and crossing of Ts. The message in this one is quite beautiful.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:43
I like the idea of this poem of yours
i would consider loosing capital lettters unless used directly after a punctuation mark, and would consider three separate stanzas as opposed to one.
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
I want soft focus.
Breath on the lens for me
Smear butter on the glass
Let things slide gently
In and out of focus.
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
Let it fade.
Let a misty haze
Play on our bodies.
As the shadows deepen
And we move softly into
Our inner space.
I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!
is it breath or breathe on the lens? breathe gives it much more 'feel' - as it is occurring in the mind of the reader as it is read - for me this allows a feel of connection with the world of the writer and such the potential for empathy and other such - makes it more real...
i agree with Isobel re the rhyming thing - it feels rushed - i get that the end bit is where you want to take off and thus the poem completes - however, while we all as readers sense the runway, it is the vehicle of words which predicts the quality of the 'lift-off' so to speak :-)
i like the idea you have here
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:35
this is a very good poem IMHO & in style & sentiment very reminiscent of "divorce" by kate bingham - worth a look on google.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:18
brilliant ! I love the dog ate the appendix etc.
I've added my similar ramblings written a couple of years ago - "urban planning"
Comment is about Renovating Sputniks (blog)
Original item by Horace Thespider
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:12
Hi CBT ty!
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:07
Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)
Original item by Andy N
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:05
Comment is about Kealan Coady (poet profile)
Captain of the Rant
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 18:00
Damnit! You're totally right about the sewed/sowed thing... I'm so used to writing cliched stuff "you'll reap what you sow" it just came off automatically. Nice one on the kind comments, cheers :)
Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 17:46
you may like to change the "sowed" to "sewed" unless you meant your stitches to fall on the earth instead of unravel? One can never tell with poets these days!!
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 17:32
Well Captain, this is a rant of the best sort. This will resonate with many readers for many reasons. Im not usually a ranty sort of person myself, but this touches so many nerves that I can forgive you the odd fuck or two.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 17:23
Thanks for agreeing Cynthia and for not being offended Ann. I very rarely suggest changes and only when I really like a poem enough to bother. The punch line is so important cos it's the last impression the reader takes away with them - worth taking time over. I think the change you made works. Thanks for your WOLOP vote also - I totally agree with your choice and it might well have been mine, had I been able to vote. x
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 15:51
Not a silly poem Rach. It's funny how others see our stuff. I've written a poem in about 5 minutes, while watching TV and talking to my son all at the same time, and then find that others say it is the best thing I've done. Then there's maybe a poem I feel proud of that no-one notices. But the one you may write on the back of a fag packet, without even thinking about it, maybe the better poem. Where do they all come from? That's what I'd like to know - or maybe better not knowing! ;-) xx
Comment is about Snow (blog)
Original item by Rachel McGladdery
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 15:31
Cynthia, I take the point entirely. It had slipped my notice.It ought to be '....as a grey slush cadaver...'
I'll put it right
cheers and a happy new year,
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 14:52
It is good, Rachel. Nothing like one-on-one with creation, whether it be a snowflake or a bird or a flower; it is a very exhilarating existence to live like this.
Watch for grammar agreements (which I mention only because you are so good). If you went straight for: But doomed to end as grey slush cadavers... you'd have no hitch with singular and plural. You would also lose the intimacy of the individual flake that I think you want. Small, small point, but consider it.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 14:41
I totally agree with Isobel; it is now better. Punch lines are hard to formulate; they usually work best as irony, or a complete new thought. I think that recapitulation is rarely effective except in comedy. And what is 'weak' about hope expressed as conviction? Except the very essence of the idea, of course.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 14:28
If anyone is still following this - a blue moon is the second full moon within one month - fairly rare - once every two-three years. Having the event coincide with our calendar's New Year's Eve must be incredible. It is possible to calculate but I'm not doing it. Those late evening walks sound incredible - so - quintessentially English!
Comment is about Blue Moon Tonight, People (blog)
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 14:11
I changed it! It's a bit weak maybe, but more in keeping. (For anyone who cares, it DID end "but not in HD")
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 13:59
I agree Isobel, but couldn't resist the rhyme! It does cheapen it a bit, may change it. xx
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 13:51
Hi Isobel - I totally agree about the last line, but I couldn't resist the rhyme! Might change it. Happy Noo Year!
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 13:50
I adored Beautiful Girl, it had me in stitches. It also made my other half laugh too, no mean feat. The King is Dead had some fabulous ryhthms in it, I read it aloud (to the other half again) and the "son of a mother..."stanza in particular was just gorgeous to read.
Comment is about Mab Jones (poet profile)
Original item by Mab Jones
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 13:49
Really like this Ann - particularly the first part. Breath on the lens - is a lovely image and all the other fuzzy images that go with it. I think the last line lets it down though - turns a very special poem into something ordinary. Just my opinion anyway.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 13:30
Oh, this is so sexy! I love the butter reference then 'slide gently' on the next line.Oh and 'moving softly into our inner space' this is delicious and yummy. fabulous.
Patricia and Stefan Wilde
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 12:56
Good afto,McGladders,you say this poem is silly-I don,t,I,m going to print it off,have it converted into gold lettering,frame it and send it to you for autographing,that,s how much I love it-you do believe me don,t you-will you do the same with my masterpieces? lol! rock on Rach
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 12:07
Being an idiot and dead right puts you right up there with Dostoevsky ..
I wrote Carmel with the memory of West Coast gardens seen too briefly. Then I thought, well if some take it as the 'other' Carmel, that's OK with me. After all, we've been told by the post-modernists that it's the reader makes the poem, not the idiot poet..
Comment is about Sunlight on white paint. For the New Year (blog)
Original item by michael shepherd
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 11:23
sorry Isobel,can,t be doing with your christmas cake look-get back in battledress asap.and as for those superglued lips!!! to think,i once wanted for mine to alight upon them!
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 08:31
Did you mean the original Carmel? I was mesmerised by the travelling time zones of midnight yesterday. I am an idiot; and you're probably too polite to point out that I'm dead right.
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 01:03
Thanks for reading.
Comment is about Young Eyes (blog)
Original item by Jason Jones
Fri 1st Jan 2010 23:57
Thanks for your comment on my latest Andy. It was a bit of an odd one for me but as I recall, you like poetry that leaves gaps to be filled in... Hope you have a great 2010. x
Fri 1st Jan 2010 23:51
Thanks for your comment on my latest Gus - you will most definitely see me in the New Year. I hope to get out to Bolton or Middleton, if I don't see you before in Wigan. Happy New Year x
Comment is about Gus Jonsson (poet profile)
Original item by Gus Jonsson
Fri 1st Jan 2010 22:11
It was certainly very light at 3am walking home, wrapping my cloak round me to keep warm. A blue moon is when you get two new moons in the same month, isn't it? Happy new year, one and all
Fri 1st Jan 2010 22:04
I also enjoyed the concise rhythm of this. win
Comment is about well (blog)
Fri 1st Jan 2010 21:41
Yes, I went out at abot 2am up onthe moors with a friend for a constitutional the moon was fantastic. But what is a blue moon?
Happy new year Cynthia
Fri 1st Jan 2010 21:02
Hi Jason, glad you're blogging and I think this is viscerally good, esp. last line! Happy New Year.
Fri 1st Jan 2010 20:11
You are very clever with your words...
From the reflection, shouldn't it be written as... smeop ; )
Well now that you've changed your Biography Alvin - It no longer makes sense : /
Comment is about Alvin Guinessberg (poet profile)
Original item by Alvin Guinessberg
Fri 1st Jan 2010 19:07
Later that night . . . . lovely and clear, saw the full moon and it seemed to have a smoke ring round it, a reflection in the clouds maybe. Lovely anyway!
Fri 1st Jan 2010 16:34
Yup, four inexpensive flying carpet trips... happily, the first appreciation of the poem came from Delhi, the second evoked Greece !
Thanks for your incisive comments. The poisoned dagger follows by separate post.
Fri 1st Jan 2010 16:15
Well - acquainted with the horoscope culture, are you? I'm a Libran ... as if you couldn't tell. My husband says the attributed characteristics are almost biographical!
Comment is about Dementia remembered (blog)
Fri 1st Jan 2010 16:09
Michael, I like the premise very much. As I read it for the third time, I realize that I think it is too expansive - just wandering around the world from a pivotal point (eight hours from California, presumably) - while there are a few lines here that have the POW factor condensed and clear - reverberating.
Nothing like starting the new year critically. Looking forward to everything you write.
Fri 1st Jan 2010 13:37
very nice pic Rachel reminds me of Cabaret film:)
Comment is about Rachel Bond at the Howcroft, Bolton December 2009 (photo)
Fri 1st Jan 2010 10:30
I wasn't suggesting your poem was filth...I suppose I was just taking a poke at other poets who would not have handled such an issue with such deftness.
Neither was I implying that this must have sprung from first hand experience but, having said that, I am reminded that my old music teacher was very keen on the old five finger exercises himself...and had a very novel way of getting me to practice my embouchure. I never did believe him when he insisted it was just a pink oboe.
Comment is about Prelude to a Music Lesson (blog)
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