Mon 20th Jul 2009 22:36
As a poet on this blog your identity, moral standpoint and colour are unknown. Even your little picture is no guarentee. I do not wish to stifle poetic expression and this subject can be a great one for strong poetry. Cynthia is right on this I feel. e.g. My name is Winston yet I am white! Hey... what you can do is to give an introduction to the poem (maybe in italics) at the start. This could set the tone and may give you an oportunity to say where you are coming from. Winston
Comment is about Bloody Foreigners! (MuzzleHim) (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 22:25
Hi Emily, Liked this one. Bristol to Man Picc is a regular journey I make. love the fuzz on the pressured parts and the end especially. the boldness of the stationary moment is brilliant. Rhyme of bold and moment and use of station-ary. Winston
Comment is about bristol temple meads to manchester piccadilly (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 21:32
Thank you for commenting on What's Up Doc - just a bit of light weight fun really.
Comment is about Dave Bradley (Poet profile)
Original item by Dave Bradley
Mon 20th Jul 2009 21:21
Sorry I mean Christine - can't be bothered deleting and retyping.
Comment is about Two war poems (edited!) (blog)
Original item by Anthony Emmerson
Mon 20th Jul 2009 21:19
It's funny Cynthia but I wondered about whether it should be never or ever and decided that Anthony had probably decided to go for never. The implication being that often young (and older) men can be unmoved by a woman's distress - not a million miles from the truth LOL but at least Anthony acknowledges it - good on you Anthony - unless of course Cynthia is right and it was an oversight.
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:49
thanks for the comment over the edge of the world.. I am shocked you actually knew him! I will drop you a email in more depth over the piece as it is a very personal piece indeed, but I am glad you loved it!
Comment is about Andrea (Poet profile)
Original item by Andrea
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:37
Thomas, please be careful. Your humour may backfire badly because lines get taken out of context. Is that really what you want to share?
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:31
Purely guess-work, but I imagine how is how it is.
If it made me leave a comment, provoked me to respond, it must be good.
Comment is about The Virgin (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:30
I stopped watching "The Wrestler" to read this. I must say, I believe I made the correct choice.
Comment is about Why I stole David Cameron’s bicycle (blog)
Original item by Sophie Hall
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:22
A cracking piece to lay on the line to anyone who would try to"cramp your style!!"
Say it as it is Isobel...... a high five for this one!!
Comment is about Cramping My Style (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:16
No, you weren't dreaming. It was The Virgin. I hadn't seen the entry Sex Addiction or whatever, when I posted mine. When I saw the other one cheek to jowl so to speak, I panicked. I didn't want mine to be associated with it even by space, because the Virgin is not a joke. I'll put it back. Thanks.
Comment is about Anthony Emmerson (Poet profile)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 20:03
Nirvana, I presume?
It's great to have you tackle the spiritual theme head on, and so innovatively.I have several poems too. I can, and do, think myself into NOTHING, but not often. I find my experiences not so much enlightening or scary, as ludicrous. Looking in or down or up or through ? becomes actually funny - like creation is a cosmic joke, and we humans are the funniest of all, with our brilliant brains etc. etc. I am quite puzzled that this is so, but there you have it - the truth.
Comment is about Nothing (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 19:51
I understand what you are saying Anthony and can see that too much I could become self indulgent. You are right to say that we need to look at fresh subjects and different ways of expressing the same themes - just so long as we don't inhibit people from writing the things they really need to.
It is all a great exaggeration to say that my legs go up to my armpits BTW - but not one that I object to - a bit of imagination and poetic licence never hurts....
Mon 20th Jul 2009 19:40
Tee hee - think I've been a paid up member of the 'bitter and twisted club' for a long time - I just put a nice veneer over it. Glad you liked it and thanks for reading.
Comment is about Steve Regan (Poet profile)
Original item by Steve Regan
Mon 20th Jul 2009 19:37
Thanks for your comment Jane - it always feel great to reach out and touch a non poet - then I think we've achieved...
Comment is about jane wilcock (Poet profile)
Original item by jane wilcock
Mon 20th Jul 2009 19:34
Glad to find you're finding the time to look at it - I'm not and it probably needs a surreal makeover - try reading it through the bottom of your glass - it might sound better...
Comment is about Baz (Poet profile)
Original item by Baz
Mon 20th Jul 2009 19:01
Yes - I hate telly too Steve! I rarely manage to turn it on myself more than once every 2 months - can't imagine being indebted to it myself.
Comment is about Telly on a meter (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 18:57
Yes, coin-slot telly for the werking classes!
Of course, there's nothing new about this. I'm old enough to remember my grandad and grandma in Wigan had a coin-slot telly in the early 1960s. I recall once the shilling running out and telly turning dark one Saturday evening as I was watching Herman's Hermits.
Probably, the only thing to have changed is that the rip-off element of the new Pay as you View system is even harsher. Tch!! All that rip-off, and yet the telly is so bloody awful these days.
So much choice - layer upon layer of crap designed to keep people stupid.
Thanks for raising this poetically, Angel. Sorry for my rant. But I HATE TELLY!
Mon 20th Jul 2009 18:16
Strangely spiritual and thought-provoking! Like it!
Mon 20th Jul 2009 18:08
I'm guessing that the face is God/Christ... In the bible didn't the face appear to a lady in a well - or was that the artistic interpretation of a meeting between Christ and a sinner and of her conversion - remember seeing a picture of it.
Yes this is a serene poem - one full of not in your face belief.
Mon 20th Jul 2009 17:41
First of all, David, well done for having a contemplative nun as a friend. I hope all your other pals are hip young gunslingers to keep things balanced.
It's philosphical as well as poetical to explore "nothing" as you have done serenely here, fittingly perhaps as the word "serene" features in the poem.
Still not sure how to take the last line though! As a whole, I like it.
Mon 20th Jul 2009 17:18
Ace set at latitude, man. how did you come to perform there? xx
Comment is about Joe Hakim (Poet profile)
Original item by Joe Hakim
Mon 20th Jul 2009 17:03
Drill Hall, 16 Chenies Street London WC1E 7EX.
It's just a couple of minutes north of Tottenham Court Road tube station on the Central Line.
Here is the multimap link: http://www.multimap.com/maps/?qs=WC1E+7EX&countryCode=GB
Anything else, just let us know.
Apologies for the omission.
Comment is about Farrago London Grand Slam (blog)
Original item by Alain English
Mon 20th Jul 2009 16:41
What's the venue Alain?
Mon 20th Jul 2009 16:14
Very moving, and I can relate to at the edge of the world, but gladly, back again.
This poem especially brought up a lot for me because of the title (some tears, in fact). I knew Billy Mackenzie very well - my mum was best friends with him and they used to race their whippets together. I was at his funeral, and it was one of the saddest I've ever been to.
Comment is about Edge of the World with Billy Mackenzie (blog)
Original item by Andy N
Mon 20th Jul 2009 14:16
F*** me sideways this scares me. I just hope no cheese was abused during the making of this poem.
Comment is about Sex Addict (blog)
Original item by Mia Darlone
Mon 20th Jul 2009 13:37
Thank you for your comment - I appreciate it! As for Shafilea's poetry, it is in her family's possession!
Hi Dave - thanks so much for commenting on my poem Inner Beast and I appreciate your honesty about how men can both desire and be pushed away by a passionate woman!
I do very much like your first poem on your sample page - the word play here is very captivating and enjoyable to read.
Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:28
Well, I love it Dave... no surprise there ; )
When you read through and think about it...
it says a lot... reminds me a lot of the teachings in Taoism and Buddhism : )
Dave Dunn aka Rhumour
Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:26
Hi Anthony - many thanks for the time & interest you have taken in this poem, your insight is much appreciated.
I imagine you will have surmised that I tend to scribble poems intuitively rather than methodically. Most pieces have tended to be written in my head using much the same approach to inflection as I've used with song writing, so I can readily understand the scan may seem odd - sometimes I return to a piece after my memory of it has faded and find myself wondering .......
Aside from the occasional dip into sonnets, I've rarely analysed the syllabic structure consciously, but I recognize that might make it easier for the reader. :)
Certainly I will consider all the comments received before I tweak it.
As for writing and posting, well I've not got much else to do at present, so inbetween new scribbles I'm looking through the accumulated pile.
Comment is about Brand New View (blog)
Original item by Dave Dunn
Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:20
Merci Andy pour tes remarques sur mon poème 'Elusive'...
C'est un de mes poèmes préférés : )
Comment is about Andy N (Poet profile)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:13
Encore merci Augusta pour ton commentaire sur mon poème 'Elusive'...
I love how people can read into it different things : )
Comment is about Augusta Darling (Poet profile)
Original item by Augusta Darling
Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:06
Thank you Stephen for your lovely comment on my poem 'Elusive'...
very much appreciated, and it made my day : )
Comment is about stephen smith (Poet profile)
Original item by stephen smith
Mon 20th Jul 2009 10:57
Moi aussi je l'aime!
Comment is about in peru feeling melancholy (blog)
Original item by Emma Roy- Williams
Mon 20th Jul 2009 10:50
A brilliant aural piece, Isobel, and not arf bad on the page either. And it quialifies you to join that most exlusive society... the Sir Steve Regan Bitter and Twisted Klub. RAWK: and ROLL!
Mon 20th Jul 2009 10:15
The Angel Of The North West is brilliant Jack - I loved discovering and reading this one! I'm sure her mates don't really think you're proper minging though ;-)
Comment is about Jack Baker (Poet profile)
Original item by Jack Baker
Mon 20th Jul 2009 10:03
Hi Chris, thanks for your comment on Old Photographs. Lovely to see you up here! Enjoyed reading your work.... have you read this at the Tudor? It seems familiar. If not, I ll expect you to next time we see you!
Comment is about christine yates (Poet profile)
Original item by christine yates
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:47
Lovely, and sadly,definitely true!
Comment is about Women (a cinquain) (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:44
Liked this very much Helen.
Comment is about Him (blog)
Original item by Helen Wakefield
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:42
Lovely poem , very clever.
Comment is about only fond (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:36
Liked this Janet, good work.
Comment is about Comfort Zone. (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:33
Always love your work Anthony, even though I don't always comment, and these two are certainly worthy of comment.
Could I just make a couple of small suggestions?
- in 'Lost Boys' v1 - perhaps 'no woman's tears had ever made him cry'?
- and v2 - I don't think it needs 'but every day' in the first line ..... it dilutes the power of men dying with razor screams.
Mon 20th Jul 2009 09:23
Comment is about that tear (blog)
Mon 20th Jul 2009 01:29
I've read this piece several times and keep coming back to it - because I like it. In fact I've read all of your recent postings. I expect that like me you cut your teeth on traditional poetic forms and rhyming poetry - which is no bad thing in my book.
I can see where DG is coming from in his comments - each to his own and all that, and also understand Cynthia's points re how this work scans etc. I hope you won't mind or be offended if I make a few observations:
In these two stanzas of eight lines each your rhyme scheme runs -
which is fine and nothing unusual. However, as Cynthia has alluded, there are parts of the poem that tend to be stumbling blocks for the reader to trip up on. The first of these for me is:
"Behold its splendid pastel shade
Its beauty hard for tongue
To capture in a moment"
This is for two reasons; although you are not using any punctuation, which is consistent throughout the poem, the middle line of these three can be seen as an example of enjambment, i.e. the line runs into the next line in terms of making sense - or, in effect cannot be seen as the "stand-alone" line " Its beauty hard for tongue" Therefore it has to be read as " Its beauty hard for tongue to capture in a moment" It took me a while to figure out the meaning of this phrase, simply because it seems a little "clumsy", if you'll forgive the expression, because I couldn't ever imagine anyone ever saying the phrase or expressing the thought in that way. After having analysed it and realised what you were trying to say in the context of the rest of the poem - i.e. that the beaty of an orchid is something not easily or readily expressed verbally, I feel you could find a more easily accessible way of saying the same thing.
In terms of scansion/meter there are a few flaws, which although minor, do tend to throw the rhythm. The syllable count for your lines are:
which it is probably possible to get away with given appropriate pronunciation and stresses, but seems to fall at the last line of the first stanza - just too many syllables for reading comfortably. The same with the first line of the second stanza - except the problem here is too few syllables for comfort; how about " Behold the smallest crystal"? The next line also might read more smoothly as "Sparkling in the light" - the "That" adds nothing. The next line also seems to jump a little; you move from describing something to almost asking the reader to describe something - perhaps it might be better to continue in the same vein? Such as;
"Or the simple soaring beauty
Of a swallow in mid flight"
I also feel you might consider losing the capitals at the start of each line; whilst it is convention in some forms of layout, it might read better with natural punctuation and capitals simply for the beginning of sentences. Again, it's purely a personal thing but sometimes I find it doesn't necessarily help or add to a peom by centering the text.
Having said all this I did enjoy the sentiments expressed in the poem, and I hope you won't find my observations insulting or unhelpful - I would never claim any kind of expertise and they are only my opinion, for what it's worth, for you to take or leave. It's your work and if you are happy with it then that's all that's important.
Keep writing and keep posting!
Sun 19th Jul 2009 23:45
A&E for so OTT S&M
Why wait...be proactive
Seek help soonest!!:(
Sun 19th Jul 2009 23:44
Am I dreaming - or did you post something earlier and then remove it? I loved it and wanted to comment - but when I returned it had disappeared. Please post it again, I think it was a really unusual and insightfully erotic take on a subject more usually explored from a male perspective.
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (Poet profile)
Sun 19th Jul 2009 23:39
Ouch! Bring on the revolving cactus . . .
Sun 19th Jul 2009 21:05
Really good, Pete. I like the stream of consciousness style - it digs deep.
Comment is about artificial (blog)
Sun 19th Jul 2009 20:57
Wasn't immediately aware of what this poem was about until my sister told me about it. I normally gloss over nature poems (sorry that's just me) but the real message of this poem comes at the end and the nature is the build up and the backdrop to a very sad very poignant story. A very worthy poetess who deserves to be remembered whatever her level of skill...
Comment is about A poetess worth words (blog)
Sun 19th Jul 2009 20:47
He sounds like a shit. The poem is subtle though.
Comment is about Player's hands (blog)
Original item by Damian Rushworth
© Copyright Julian Jordon Ltd. All rights reserved.