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Paulyn Lloyd

Sun 20th Mar 2011 10:40

Thanks for your comment on BITCH. I use the term bitch because I think sometimes when women act the way they choose instead of conforming to what's expected they are labelled a bitch and basically if that makes me a bitch then yeah well thats what I am. However thats other peoples perception of the word not mine! Hope that helps.

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Philipos

Sun 20th Mar 2011 10:39

Hi Isobel, Ann, David and Petrova - regarding the discussion on linebreaks - I suppose the real answer is instinct - I take the view that a poem is always work in progress i.e; never complete and that the thought pattern of the original idea is the main motivator for getting thoughts onto paper - I do accept that this can hack people off - at the same time others (as has been stated) find it works well for them - it could also be how I see my world and that I might be bonkers

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Dave Bradley

Sun 20th Mar 2011 10:31

Yes, it does work and work well, and as Ann says. it isn't easy to see why. Somehow the unusual structure and pattern of line breaks reflects and intensifies the mood of reflection and altered perception.

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Janet Ramsden

Sun 20th Mar 2011 10:08

Thanks for comments :-)

Steve - yeah, i see what you mean :-)

Isobel - They used to teach punctuation when i was at school too. It's mostly those flippin' colons and semi-colons that confuse me. I'm proud to say i got 96% in English language and 97% in English lit in my GCSE's but that was a very long time ago :-)

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 20th Mar 2011 09:55

I am always struck by your pattern of line breaks, for me they work perfectly but I don't quite know why. I don't know if you have a method Philipos? To me, having them where you do gives more weight to your words because it makes me weigh them in my mind somehow as I read. Or . . maybe it's cos you use a large font so you can't put them (line breaks) where others might, as they wouldn't fit on the line? For me it works anyway, but I too would be interested in your thinking. Perhaps like me you do it instinctively?

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Isobel

Sun 20th Mar 2011 08:56

I would agree that there is some lovely imagery and ideas in here Philipos - you build a great picture.
I was struck by your choice of line breaks though - I couldn't understand how they happened as they didn't co-incide with how I would have read the poem.
I'm only curious cos there is a discussion thread up at the moment about this subject. It would be interesting to see how different poets approach this.

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 20th Mar 2011 07:21

Quaint? How dare you! ;) (Thanks Francine!xx)

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 20th Mar 2011 07:19

Beautiful!

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Melissa R. Mendelson

Sun 20th Mar 2011 03:10

Thank you, Steve. :)

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Melissa R. Mendelson

Sun 20th Mar 2011 03:09

Thank you, Cynthia. My dream journal entries are my poems, and some dreams fade fast while others remain strong. Where I am in life now is at a crossroads, but if I can change, then I can change for the better. And I hope so.

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 21:25

Hi Petrova - many thanks for your comments - yes that sense of been there before but can't think why - and what it must have seemed like in yesteryear x

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 21:23

Hi Petrova - re: Walking with Ancestors (revised) many thanks for your comments - yes that sense of been there before but can't think why x

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Paulyn Lloyd

Sat 19th Mar 2011 21:18

I really like this. So true :)

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Petrova Fairhurst

Sat 19th Mar 2011 21:15

Mmmm, nice imagery Philipos and mystical emotion; the crossing of time boundaries.
I always feel that way in ancient places & wonder what my life might have been like had I lived in that time...

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Petrova Fairhurst

Sat 19th Mar 2011 21:04

Thanks Cynthia, as ever your comments are appreciated xXx

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Francine

Sat 19th Mar 2011 20:30

Some painfully strong descriptions here, but I like the intensity. This line shows resolve... 'love may lie bleeding but not dying'.

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Francine

Sat 19th Mar 2011 20:18

I really like the snapshot views of the goings on in this quaint little museum!

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Greg Freeman

Sat 19th Mar 2011 20:13

His guardian angel did let him down, Stef. He tried to change his name Winston to Ono but there was some bureaucratic red tape ... it stuck to him and he accepted it in the end, nicknamed himself Dr Winston O'Boogie.

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Francine

Sat 19th Mar 2011 20:12

I love the sentiments expressed in this, Stefan.
I know Winston was his middle name, but why as a title, and the last line, 'and would never mind if you called him John' ? Am I missing something?

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 19:47

Hi Cynthia, - your comments and insight into this fairly unusual poetical theme much appreciated - this really did begin life as raindrops on a pvc coat and then developed a journey all of its own as highlighted in the final stanza

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 19:46

Hi Cynthia, Re: Rain on PVC - your comments and insight into a fairly unusual poetical theme much appreciated - this really did begin life as raindrops on a pvc coat and then developed a journey all of its own as highlighted in the final stanza

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Greg Freeman

Sat 19th Mar 2011 19:24

Just as marvellous as the previous one. You're mining a rich vein of material here, Ann

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Greg Freeman

Sat 19th Mar 2011 19:20

In answer to your question, Cynthia, see my previous comment below. I first wrote it last summer but wasn't really satisfied with it. I did some tweaks to it last week - one line and a couple of odd words - and suddenly I thought it was ok at last.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:49

Greg, just for my own benefit, is your last poem a sonnet? Or am I getting wonky?

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:43

It is a good, original poem, Dave, a personal story for each reader to write. I have no sympathy for persons who must be motivated by other people to 'meet the morning'. Not every day is a 'poem' day. Even if such a nice guy says 'Thank you.'

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:31

I had no idea where the poem was going. It took me right off-guard. Very well-written, and highlighting a subject much more common than we think, although maybe not as aggressive as this example. The resignation of the 'staff carers' is a chilling statement; how hard it must be for any such 'helpers' of any addiction, to go on day after day without hope of benefitting the addict.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:16

Very good, with great diction developing clear images. Really like 'trees sense mists of hurried breath'; definitely evokes unrestrained sexuality. Good ambiguous line 'she parts her moistened lips'.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:09

Yep. All of the above. Great list. Not exactly in a 'poetry format' ie, turning on shorter lines with some kind of plan. Whom are you trying to convince, actually? Presumably, without a male counterpart, Mankind would not exist either, since women are not yet self-sexuallizing.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 17:00

Excellent sentiments. Can't, for the life of me, understand why it has to be termed 'Bitch'. But that's a term often used with great affection in some circles, and equally scathing disrespect in others.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:54

Good sustained metaphor. 'between the forgotten relics of kinder times' is very forceful. I especially like 'Cannot afford this poverty'. It's hard to know when painful memories are being sorted and 'discarded', instead of being actually nurtured for some kind of self-sadistic pleasure.

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:49

This is probably proving the law of diminishing returns - but such fun to do :) I have quoted verbatim from 2010 diary, so did not edit as such. Seemed to go against the grain. I'm afraid there may be one last one!

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:38

This is a very forceful poem, Melissa, addressing a powerful subject of control over other people...the unknown 'they': 'so without question, they decided what was best for me' strikes hard. Interesting that you swerved from the honesty of 'where I was in life/I could not survive/nor care for another' to 'Maybe,I needed to change...' Big, big 'Maybe'. But, maybe, the dream sparked clear thinking, if not outright commitment immediately. It's well-written too.

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:36

Hi Jules - did you mean 'purgatory' rather than perjury in stanza 1? Otherwise a good description of a typically frustrating time of waiting for doc as experienced by many of us

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:29

I still love the idea, but I don't think this is quite as good as the first one. IMO, taking out small verbs and pronouns would help tighten it up - jottings instead of sentences - to press forward with more energy.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 19th Mar 2011 16:24

Good effort. :)

As a suggestion, reduce this by half the words and see what you might get by being much more choosy.

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Dave Bradley

Sat 19th Mar 2011 14:48

This brought a smile. Things are sure to pick up as the weather improves, but in the meantime what an opportunity to WRITE

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Tom Harding

Sat 19th Mar 2011 13:14

Many thanks for the kind responses. I would say this poem was quite hastily written but I Liked the idea behind it. Not sure I ever finished it right.

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 19th Mar 2011 08:38

More news from nowhere! Again, everything is from the museum diary. As I browse through it, there seems to be a sense of mounting hysteria!

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Philipos

Sat 19th Mar 2011 08:35

Scholarly piece Ray - enjoyed reading about a disturbing subject tackled head on

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Petrova Fairhurst

Sat 19th Mar 2011 07:52

Thanks Dave, it's one of my darker pieces, thought it was about time I put one up! ;) xXx

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Dave Bradley

Fri 18th Mar 2011 22:57

Strong and well-written Petrova. The poem hovers around the perenially fascinating interface between suffering and motivation. One of your best imo

And thanks for commenting on No Point; Point - always appreciated, even when I don't say so

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Dave Bradley

Fri 18th Mar 2011 22:50

Hi Greg

I've been on Merseyside since 1974, glad to be exiled from Harrow - there's no pull to return.

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Melissa R. Mendelson

Fri 18th Mar 2011 22:39

Maybe because we are afraid to stay open to this world with all its problems and all its tragedy, but we can't stay shut down either.

Thank you, both. :)

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ian

Fri 18th Mar 2011 21:08

no its a mistake I ment hear i'v edited it now thanks ....

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ian

Fri 18th Mar 2011 20:35

Hi Philipos, thanks for comments on Its the truth. I ment hear not here Thanks for pointing it out my written english is very poor at best thank god for spell check. It sounds alrite sung don't know what it sounds like read out cos i find that harder than trying to sing them . something i'v never been able to do is read out loud....Thanks.....

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Greg Freeman

Fri 18th Mar 2011 19:58

Thanks very much, Isobel, for your comments on the Betjeman poem. I had been wrestling with it for some time before I posted it, so I was surprised and pleased that you and others thought it was ok.

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Greg Freeman

Fri 18th Mar 2011 19:55

Glad you liked the Betjeman poem, John. I've just read A Shropshire Lad - not a typical Betjeman at all. It's got a very interesting rhythm, just like the one that Anthony picked as his favourite.

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Greg Freeman

Fri 18th Mar 2011 19:50

Thanks for your comments on the Betjeman poem, Dave. I'm amazed, though. I hadn't got you down as an old Harrovian.

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Winston (Admin)

Fri 18th Mar 2011 19:11

Hi Moira, Thanks for sending in the photo for your profile pic. Winston

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Julian (Admin)

Fri 18th Mar 2011 19:06

The one word that comes to my mind in this poem, though also others of its ilk by you Peter, is "care". You care about such things with a passion. And I know that in the past you have taken action as well as written about such subjects. Brilliant, important, visceral, yes indeedy.
And, good reminder Dave, On The Beach should be on every school curriculum.
Two weeks ago I was talking to a chap I know in Millom, on the Cumbrian coast south of Sellafield. In that area you cannot even venture the subject in a local pub, as so many of the people work in the plant. The topic - infant leukaemia, incidence of cancer among the workers - cannot be aired.
My pal, who owns a garage up there, admitted that lots his contemporaries, workers at the plant, had been lost to cancer. And he lowered his voice as he said it. Perfectly safe of course.

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