Sun 4th Jul 2010 17:30
Lol, thanks to All.
On reflection I decided the first two lines of verse 4 didn't scan well, so I have re-written these, which actually now makes him not such a multi-lingual clever dick!!! (or a language teacher, hee hee!)
Free verse version to follow...
Comment is about Flesh (blog)
Original item by Lynn Dye
Sun 4th Jul 2010 17:29
The heather and the fluttering safety flags make a good contrast to an otherwise somber and threatening vista. I think the contrast is well defined, an atmospheric and chillingly brooding piece of work. The purpling heather in the North Yorkshire moors are beautiful in late summer.
Comment is about High Tide - 10.47 (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Sun 4th Jul 2010 17:21
I like purpling the hillside, but then what do I know? Lol. Good poem again, Ann x
Sun 4th Jul 2010 17:16
Hi Ann, thanks for comments on "Flesh". I often do put in the odd humorous comment, so the "too hot to handle" line was intentional, but if any of the rest sounded comical then it wasn't intended! I shall post a free verse version as well.
Lol, love your comment on him being a language teacher! My REAL guy is the one who started to snore in "Warm Embrace", so this guy could be anything really, though I did say French AFTER A FASHION! Lol, Lynn xx
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (Poet profile)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 17:12
reminds me of a shop we have next door to our chippy-a flesh n sexshop! tee...hee..SW
Sun 4th Jul 2010 16:18
To me this is a jumbo pack of descriptives too tightly crammed to be be savoured. Dancing streets, restless bedrooms, crowded queues, tousled beds etc. Too much too quickly. it sometimes sounds like a list.
Comment is about Beloved (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sun 4th Jul 2010 16:13
There are so many good and bad things about this Ann.
I think that you have diluted your killer last line by using it twice before. I hate the thought of heather "purpling" but love the chaos of waves. I think "if you were there you wouldn't last long" is clumsy but really like the woolly grey sky and the thought of staring down the raging ocean. As always Ann thoughtful stuff.
Sun 4th Jul 2010 16:05
Hello Cynthia - an epic it is - that was the feeling I got from it before I read your comment. Your telling of this story is much like an that of an age old tale. It feels more like prose/story than poem to me but that is not a criticism - my latest was a bit like that. Your voice is very passionate and I like that - humanity and love survives amidst all the chaos and horror.
Sun 4th Jul 2010 15:15
I am going to be brave and leave a comment, bearing in mind I don't know the rules of poetry etc, but I am not very good with long poems, bearing this in mind, unless they really flow, but I loved the dancing streets, I loved politics scissored flags, restless bedrooms is brilliant, I love that, I think there are a lot of good ideas, perhaps it should be slightly condensed, somehow, I don't know how, and I don't follow any rules, but am just trying to add a helpful comment, I hope, x
Sun 4th Jul 2010 14:46
Blimey, if it's not Vaughan Williams or Marilyn Manson it's just not good enough! No pleasing some people! Just kick those size 5 cloggs off and go for it! x ;-)
Comment is about I'm bored - feel like dancin' anyone? (blog)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 14:44
Blimey Lynn, something for every occasion it says on your profile, this is romantic and sensual for a sunday morning! Great stuff.
Thanks for comment on 'Our Father' - I had to keep changing the words as the nightmare got worse! ha, best wishes Jeff X
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:56
Thanks very much for your suggestions, Cynthia. You're right, it is a bit shambolic, as is most of my poetry, but the trouble is, it's meant to be a sonnet, and so removing lines 6 and 7 would put me in breach of the trades descriptions act!
Comment is about Something for Everyone (blog)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:43
Being a man of the cloth(ears) I find this quite,quite disgraceful,especially being a holy day-shocking! shocking! please write some more-ASAP! OOO! I,m overcome with emulsion-or something similar-ha!red 'ot! (HISSS)TEFAN-XXX
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:18
Ann. Ta for your comments on Anything Goes. It's one of my Leonard Cohen impressions.
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:17
By gum, Alison! This opens a new perspective on climbing for me. Like the earthiness.
Comment is about Climber boy (blog)
Original item by Alison Smiles
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:13
Hi - Just relocated to this poem- cos you updated your profile I guess - Think it is great, and it says it all - not sure about the Ken and Diedre photo though! But if you love someone, what the heck!
Comment is about Glitter in an Afro (blog)
Original item by Mia Darlone
Sun 4th Jul 2010 13:08
Thank you all for your comments, I'm sorry not to get back individually, I'll be more socialable on this site once my production is over and I've come up for air.
PS Gus - I've gone brunette!
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:22
Hope things have improved since May 18th Crackling - it must have been very traumatic for you!
Comment is about Crackling (Poet profile)
Original item by Crackling
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:18
Wow! Latin, French and romance all at once! Is he a language teacher, your guy? x
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:16
Hi Lynn - I just saw Isobel's comment on Flesh and your reply to her about rhyming etc. Funnily enough, you said that rhyming works better in an amusing poem. I think that with Flesh, the rhyme almost made it into an amusing poem, which was probably not what you intended! It would be interesting to see a second version in free verse and compare. x
Comment is about Lynn Dye (Poet profile)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:10
Yep - I hear what you are saying. I often start of a poem in free verse and then whittle away at it until it near as damn it rhymes - it must be the musician in us... or old habits dying hard LOL x
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:07
Hi Isobel, thank you for commenting on "Flesh". Before I joined WOL I had only ever written rhyming poetry, but I have recently dabbled with free verse - in "Arillas" and "Warm Embrace" for instance, yet sometimes I have to actually change verses because they ended up rhyming anyway!! I actually think rhyming works better with comical poems, but free verse is probably better with the romantic. Thanks for advice anyway, always welcome, and I shall give it more of a try. xx
Comment is about Isobel (Poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
Sun 4th Jul 2010 12:05
great poem...its contradictary in a very interesting way...i like the tree sacrifice and the way it runs adult themes next to the innocence of childhood..the last stanza in particular is very clever.
i want a 50s lunch box and an ice cream!
Comment is about The Candy (blog)
Original item by Hayden
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sun 4th Jul 2010 11:45
I really like 'top-brass gleam in searing (summer) sun' and 'grave-sounding holy men'. The couplet at the end is also good. The driving 'beat' sometimes trips up and lessens the power of your words in this chosen form.
You encourage me to try a real sonnet also.
Comment is about FOURTH SONNET (blog)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 11:31
I'm with Graham all the way. Good piece, Ann. I'm beginning to think of your work as 'the Foxglove flair'.
Comment is about knightmoves (blog)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 11:26
There are some nice ideas in here Lynn but some of the rhyme feels forced.
Have you ever tried writing in free verse? I found it really hard to do at first, cos like you, I like the musical feel of rhyme. Sometimes free verse does feel more natural though. x
Sun 4th Jul 2010 11:17
I like the sentiment. Saying it has 'potential' sounds so snarky, but it is what I do think. I know the lack of 'form' is implicit with the Woolie's idea of harum-scarum goods for sale, but I still think it could be, as a poem, more organized to fully express your thought. I would drop lines 6 and 7 of the first stanza as an example. I don't see what they contribute to encapsulate your idea.
Sun 4th Jul 2010 11:03
Yes, Graham, I did. Chris Co was very encouraging about it, but it just 'fizzled' before. I'm kind of keen to see if any newer WOLers have any comments. It was a marked departure in style, sort of epic in character. (I use the word 'epic' rather loosely!)
Sun 4th Jul 2010 10:35
Sorry I didn't see your comment before I posted!
Sun 4th Jul 2010 10:34
Have you posted this before Cynthia? Something is certainly reminiscent of this in my head?
Sun 4th Jul 2010 10:31
When I read this in Sale last week I was appalled to find I had in my hand a 'very early' version. But who would know, except me. I'm done with revising now. War is big on everyone's minds, as always.
Sun 4th Jul 2010 09:58
I can honestly say I have never had a creamy whirl - but do you remember Jubblies?
Sun 4th Jul 2010 09:30
thanks Chris xx
Comment is about radio days (blog)
Original item by Richard Bergman
Sun 4th Jul 2010 07:38
Comment is about Jacqueline King (Poet profile)
Original item by Jacqueline King
Sun 4th Jul 2010 00:11
i love this, especially;
'i ate the black
and my viens turned white,
the line of chalk between us
it all reminds me of alice through the glass..lovely x
Comment is about Sister Houdini (blog)
Original item by Marianne Daniels
Sun 4th Jul 2010 00:06
i like the way you describe the affection...but the ending made me cringe...maybe im just fed up of people batting their eyes and talking shit at me thinking it make them delicously unnattainable and unique yet they all do it thomas....im not impressed, short pauses annoy me. but i do like the way youve described that cascade of feeling. and its only my jaded opinion.
Comment is about Adrienne (blog)
Original item by Tom
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 23:19
Gremlins Gorn or sleeping Winston.
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:51
Hi Jaqueline, yes you are ok here, LOL and vry welcom to comment and post etc. Win (Admn)
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:35
Not even Country Life?
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:32
Welcome Crackling to WOL. Here's hoping that we are all sorted now. apologies for any gremlins , winston(Admin)
Welcome to WOL Naomi. I often get mistaken for a footballer's WAG too. I think it has something to do with my neck...
We are very lucky to look like our profile pictures - very many people don't...
Comment is about Naomi Hefter (Poet profile)
Original item by Naomi Hefter
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 22:26
Hi Naomi, really sorry for the delay in posting but Welcome to WOL and I hope you enjoy the site. You can always enter your poems as blogs which often generates more comments :-) Win
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 21:32
Thats my effing wife your torking abart :(
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 20:05
Sorry folks - don't suppose anyone will like this - but hey! xxxxxxx
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 19:49
Thanks all - figured less is more on the development of this idea. And I can't play chess either! Snakes and ladders anyone? xxxx
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 19:47
Hello Graham - thanks for nice comments on Knightmoves. xx
Comment is about Graham Sherwood (Poet profile)
Original item by Graham Sherwood
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 17:19
Soon I hope, Banksy. Been living it up at Glastonbury and such. should be back in the swing shortly!
As for the cat - simple is more than often the best
Comment is about Nash (Poet profile)
Original item by Nash
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 16:00
yeh get a load of mine. i make £100s off american and japanese tourists outside the bingo on the high street...i get extras for reading my shallow pond life poetry...oh if these comments werent about me then why dont you make your criticisms in person to those who annoy you instead in a direct and honest manner. its uninspiring to read so called poetry and comments that are just a dig at other people. yes, very deep kealan.
Comment is about Kensington (blog)
Original item by Tommy Carroll
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 12:37
I love this. It does something for me though i'm struggling to decide just what. Maybe it's because i am fascinated with the idea of past lives affecting this one.
Comment is about retirement from I (blog)
Original item by Trky Cairns
Sat 3rd Jul 2010 12:31
I like all of this poem but for me the last two stanzas are superb.x
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