profile image

She lies sleeping

entry picture

She lies sleeping...

as I pick up my shoes

and make our way

(on tip-toes)

towards the bedroom door.

I pause.

Love like life, peters out.

So with a final look

at what I've left behind

I leave both the gossip 

and the theatre

that has been

someone else's past;

someone else's entertainment. 

Then something catches my breath

as she gently stirs.. 

 

words and foto by T Carroll

 

◄ He said

On stolen sheets ►

Comments

Harry O'Neill

Profile image

Sat 21st Apr 2012 00:07



Tommy,
I take it it`s your `tip toes` that are taking you and the shoes to the bedroom door?

By the way, I love those last two lines.

Tommy Carroll

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 16:33

Hi Graham: The 'our'in line three is in reference to the 'me and the shoes' (see Yvonne ;o) )Tommy

Graham Sherwood

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 14:46

Tommy this is a really accomplished piece of work. The other grammatical advice is very sound, also are there two of you? As you say make our way? etc.
Back to the piece though, there is just enough of a story here to want me to know more about her/you etc. Great work.

Regards,

Graham

Yvonne Brunton

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 13:31

Great ending concealing the outcome Did he? Didn't he? I agree with Laura about the simplicity - this is the poem's strength.

Just a word about 'She lays' I'm not sure if you wanted this americanism which is pervading our language. Standard English is 'she lies' We keep 'lays' for eggs and tables etc. xx

Laura Taylor

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 09:46

:) quick off the mark our kid! ;D

(there's a surplus 'r' in 'stirrs' on the last line too)

Tommy Carroll

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 09:42

sorted! :o)

Laura Taylor

Profile image

Wed 18th Apr 2012 09:41

Wow - this is another great piece Tommy. I like how it seems to mirror somehow 'He said' but not quite...almost like a parallel universe. Again you have the simplicity, that lends itself as Win says to maximum interpretation.

Not sure you need those hyphens for the 'at what I've left behind' line though.

If you wish to post a comment you must login.