Employer of the Year
We use task as a verb, and learn as a noun,
we encourage the turning of frowns upside-down
and, to improve your relationship-building technique,
we’re constantly policing the way that you speak.
We’ve read every book going about NLP,
but we’re not sure quite how you spell Psychology...
Does that worry us? Heck no! That’s small stuff! Don’t sweat it!
It takes guts to believe what researchers discredit!
We’re proud that we’ve got an above-average team
(but don’t ask if that’s median, modal, or mean):
above-average girls and above-average guys,
above-average straights, homosexuals and bis,
above-average blacks and above-average Asians
– though it has to be said that we’re mostly Caucasian,
but we’d love some more gays! And...what’s that you say? Cis?
No...I’m sorry...I’m not really sure what that is...
Look: I object to you telling me we’re not diverse!
There’s a box on the survey! We went on a course!
I fail to imagine what more we could do.
We bend over backwards for people like you!
What do you mean? How can that be offensive?
That wasn’t the sense in which bend was intended!
Privilege? What? Just because I’m Team Leader?
You don’t understand what I went through to be here:
I learned how to swagger, but looked to the meek
and, with perfect due diligence, week after week,
with targeted meetings and structured support,
I reached out to the fragile, and bade them to walk
right back to the dole queue. See, they wouldn’t mix:
wouldn’t go out with us. Wouldn’t get pissed!
Kept saying some crap about ‘not feeling safe’!
As if! I mean, come on! You feel safe, yeah, mate?
Exactly! We’re Number One! We’ve won awards!
(‘cause we watch who comes in – and goes out – of those doors)
So sit with me, bud, and I’ll teach you the words:
‘cause, see, learn is a noun here, and task is a verb...