Biography

Jeff Cottrill is a satirical writer, spoken-word performer, journalist and occasional actor based in Toronto, Canada. His stage act often uses elements of performance poetry, comedy, theatre, and storytelling. With a darkly comic flavour, he likes to make audiences laugh, cringe, or (preferably) both.

Jeff has featured in literary and performance series throughout Canada, the U.S. and England. He is also the Literary Editor of a Toronto small press, Burning Effigy Press, and has written film reviews and arts-related articles for several Canadian alternative magazines.

In June 2010, his first one-man show, "Grouch on a Couch", debuted at the Ottawa Fringe Festival.

Jeff has authored three chapbooks of fiction and satirical monologues, "Cruelty and Kindness" (2002), "Karaoke Dogs" (2003) and "Guilt Pasta" (2007), published through Burning Effigy Press. He has also recorded two spoken-word CDs, "Cracktastic!" (2005) and "Clown with a Coat Hanger" (2009), through Moody Loner Records.

Samples

"A Love Letter"

Hello,

You don't know me, but you may have seen me at the lectures in your Gender Studies class, sitting at the back. (They won't let me sit at the front.) I've admired you from afar for a long time now, and I just wanted you to know, with all of my heart, that I think you are incredibly beautiful.

B-but... but by “beautiful”, I mean inner beauty. Of course. You know, I'm not objectifying you or anything, I'm not talking about your physical looks. Not that there's anything wrong with your physical looks! No... I mean, as good as you look on the surface, that's not what's important. I mean, you know, the way you are inside.

N-not that I'm just trying to get inside you! No! That's not it at all. Uh – not that that would be a bad thing! I mean, for me, and all. And for you, too. Of course, for you too. I mean, it's gotta be a consensual thing, right? You'd enjoy it too. If it happens. Not that it has to. Totally up to you. Really. I'm speaking hypothetically, I swear. But my point is, when I say you're beautiful, I'm not necessarily talking about the way you look on the outside, or how much a hypothetical guy might hypothetically want to have hypothetical sex with you, such hypothetical sex being completely consensual and equal and fully recognizing your right to whatever orgasms you may feel entitled to... what I'm really talking about is your inner beauty. You know, your personality. Your soul.

Uh – no, I'm not religious! Not at all! No dogmatic oppression from this guy, I swear. No – I'm not swearing to God. I mean, nobody's forcing you to dress modestly or cook anything or abstain from premarital sex or even get married. Hell, if you even want to experiment with homosexuality, hey, that's fine with me. I'll never object to you making out with other women. Not that I just want to watch you make out with other women! I was talking about all the demeaning sexist religious rules and practices, like wearing a burkha or cleaning a house or anything. You don't have to do any of that stuff. Uh – unless you really want to! Because you have the absolute right to any spiritual practice you choose. You should even be able to become a priest if that's what you want. It's all your choice. Oh – and by “choice”, I mean that goes for everything. Really. It's your uterus and you can do whatever you want with it. I mean, who needs babies anyway? Unless you like babies! I mean, if your'e digging that maternal instinct, babies are great, when they're happy and cute. And when they're not screaming. Unless they're screaming for justice. But all I'm trying to say is that you are very beautiful, but beautiful in a way that bears no relevance whatever to your physical appearance, nor to society's unfair expectations of how you should maintain your physical appearance, nor to the consensual practice of sexual relations between you and any hypothetical man, or woman, nor to the outdated ideological customs and attitudes that continue to promote unfair gender roles in our tragically unenlightened world. Please don't castrate me.

I hope I've made my feelings clear, in the most tender, compassionate and romantic way I know how. It's just my way of telling you that I love you, and I just think you are a beautiful and wonderful girl. Woman. Person! Human!

You know what – fuck this. I'm just gonna get a hooker.

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.