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Horace Thespider

Updated: Thu, 3 Nov 2011 07:11:02 pm
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i change my identity more often than i change my underwear. consequently i stink

Good day to you.


Cross Channel swimmers

Fish have scales
And turtles shells
And walruses have blubber
A frogman wouldn’t wet his feet
Without his suit of rubber
But the naked form in ice-cold seas
Is exposed to say the least
Which is why cross-channel swimmers
Like to smear themselves in grease
And I feel I could play my part
In their aquatic endeavour
By applying the emollient membrane
That prevents them from turning to leather
I wouldn’t use it sparingly
Or dilute it with thinners
I’d slap it nice and thick upon
Those daring distance swimmers

I don’t want any medals
Or fancy eight-course dinners
I just want to rub the grease
On cross-channel swimmers

Only the very best would do
From ostriches or geese
I’d cull them, pluck them, render them
For their supply of grease
Stored in jars of earthenware
Or possibly porcelain pots
And when called into action
I’d be ready with the lot
I’d shout encouragement
And we’d both feel warm inside
They from insulation
And I professional pride

I don’t want an oscar or grammy
Or anything quite so banal
I just want to rub the grease
On those who swim the channel

They’d be waterproof and weatherproof
As sleek as a dolphin’s tail
Slipping through the sea in a coat of dripping
How could their endurance fail?
And when France at last came underfoot
And we’d squabbled with our very last squid
I’d take the grease back off again
With a brush and fairy liquid.

I don’t want notoriety
Or to be questioned by the police
I just want to be the mystic masseur
Who covers cross-channel swimmers in grease

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

Audio entries by Horace Thespider

Dreamtime (17/12/2009)

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Here, there and everywhere (19/10/2009)

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David Franks

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Fri 10th Sep 2010 10:11

Hi Horace: just enjoyed some of your verse, and good to know you'd recycle your "Cross Channel Swimmers" grease! David.

Bill Kelly

Wed 13th Jan 2010 11:16

Thanks Mark, no there's no more, I wrote it more or less on the spur of the moment, not having been on the site for a while.
Shame I've started the new year in Mr Grumpy mode!
I'm try ing to be more positive. will see what I can come up with.

Janet Ramsden

Sun 3rd Jan 2010 11:04

Hiya Mark,
nice to see your real tag but i liked Horace the spider too.

Thanks for your comment on my latest poem. I do think i posted it a little too early though and i also think i've edited a little too much out of it and on top of all that i now want to change the title. hmmm...
we live and learn! :-)



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Tue 1st Dec 2009 17:12


I enjoyed your Ringworm & grease. Brilliant. Graham Fellows would be proud.




Wed 24th Jun 2009 10:54

Hi, i removed my photo and profile and took up an alias for a short while. Didn't work though so decided to just be me. I can't seem to upload photos to wol, it just won't go in which means mithering poor Paul in admin to do it for me. :-)

Are you thinking of coming along to the Tudor any time soon?
Good luck with your musical stuff. Are you doing gigs?


Janet Ramsden

Thu 16th Oct 2008 14:22

Hiya, thanks for your comment on 'the frog and the prince.'
Me thinks you saw deep into the meaning of it.

It was nice to meet you in Wigan at the Tudor.
Hope you enjoyed it and we'll see you again soon.
Love Janet.xx

Pete Crompton

Sat 27th Sep 2008 19:49

superb poetry.
very clever.
neatly crafted
most enjoyable.
My kind of poet.

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