Write Out Loud - Poet Profile

Mia Darlone

View biography

View samples

Last blog entry: 4 days ago

Profile updated: Sat, 11 Oct 2008 07:05:08 pm

Write Out Loud Profile: http://www.writeoutloud.net/poets/miadarlone

Write Out Loud Blog: http://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/miadarlone

Biography

As a child I was targeted by a small group of townsfolk, I think they were from Melton Mowbray but I’m not certain. (Sorry about that). They approached me in a mild manner, chanting incantations while flaying my hide with a slightly warm, stout oaken branch blessed by the high priest of Nayhead. 27 years later I discovered poetry, it’s uncanny.

Samples

Beauty and the Beastiality
(Delivered by a kind, thoughtful and often very charming man)

My infidelity lead to my divorce
I guess I should show some remorse
But now I'm free
To be with....my horse

I have to say it's amazing, the intercouse
She always consents
I NEVER use force.

*********

The liver is evil and must be punished!

It’s the end of the month
And I’ve just got paid
I’m going out to get pissed.
And, with any luck, laid
I spot this guy in the pub
He comes up to the bar
‘Can I get you a drink Love?’
‘Ooh, I’ll have an Absinthe Ta. (Double).’
“I work in IT” he says
(Oooh he’s very dashing!)
I reply “I can tell mate
- your router’s flashing”
I conduct myself in a
Drunk and disorderly fashion
Tell him I’m taking him home
For a bit of horizontal passion
But then I go and mess things up by being sick on his shoes
And spend the next half hour
On my knees in the loos (being sick)
Then it’s back to the bar
Probably not the most sensible thing I ever did
Asking for as much vodka and Redbull as I can have in this pint glass
For me remaining 12 quid
The consequences of which
Were really quite tragic
The standards seemed to have slipped
When I handed out my magic
I rolled over in the morning
To discover who I’d got
God good, what have I done?
He looks like John Prescott.
I pretend I’ve got Diarrhoea
And he kindly fucks off home
An ugly rat’s tail down his neck
From his wilted over-comb.
Oooh I feel rougher than a buzzard’s crotch
I decide to call my friend
She went home in a police van
In the end
Found wandering on the Mancunian way
In the early hours
Carrying a frozen chicken
And a cut price bunch of flowers
I had opted for
A frozen family-sized apple pie
Though I don’t actually like pastry
So I can’t think why
But I must have tried to eat it
Coz my teeth are killing
And on closer inspection
I’m missing a filling.
I put my coat over my pyjamas
And head out for some food
A large bacon sandwhich
Will no doubt lift me mood
But…Aarrgh my shoes are soaked!
It’s then I recall
Doing a 90 second wee in a carpark.
(Which it quite impressive – considering my bladders only small).
I wear them anyway.

By Tuesday night I’m feeling better
And I’m planning the next weekend
I’m going to starve myself all week
So I’ve got more money to spend
I shall never give up drinking
It does make me feel like shit
But the liver is evil
You’ve got to punish it!

****

F(ine) art
(Done as a posh bird)

I was chatted up other day
Whilst shopping in the mini mart
He had a pint of semi-skimmed milk
And I had a lentil tart
It didn’t last long as I’d just slipped one out
“My God! Was that YOU sweetheart?!”
His exit was as sharp as mine
I’d upset the applecart
He was looking for someone
To book a marriage mart
But clearly guffing in public
Was no way to his heart.
But I refuse to stop;
I love to take part.
One of my friends is into needle work
Another - abstract art
A girl I know from school does ballet every night
Whereas me – I like to fart
I’ve got an array of techniques under my belt
But it’s knowledge I’m willing to impart
My speciality is the ‘squeaker’
Now, when your gas is ready to depart
You bare down as hard as you possibly can
But DO NOT let your bum cheeks part!
I like to stay ahead of the game
So I fill out a weekly chart
It tends to keep me on my toes
- People do tend to try and outsmart
Another favourite of mine is ‘death by egg’
- An invisible pungent dart
The key is vast consumption of lentils and sprouts
Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t half smart
But it’s worth every tear
- as the cloud begins to dispart
And you waft the fragrance towards your face….
Now that’s what I call fine art.

****

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

Last blog entry

Bliss

Posted on Monday 17th November 2008 10:39 pm

I've never seen the lady who I'm guessing still provides the microwaved meals but I can only imagine the photo is an accurate likeness.

Bliss

When I fart

Most guys think it’s a disgrace

But you thought it was funny when I shoved them in your face

You’d grade them on a scale of 1-10

And I’d argue that I deserved more

Then you’d blast one back in my direction

Trying to better my score

Your van had a Duke’s of Hazard horn

You had Pat and Mick on your cassette recorder

We’d do donoughts in your Sierra and go to strip clubs together

And you were hung like a donkey with a growth disorder

We’d drink beer, go to gigs and spend days in bed

I’d never been this happy before

But once everything was sacrificed coz we couldn’t be apart

The only sign that you cared was a fist through the door

Home town pressures, a necessity to please

To stupid to see someone else’s opportune

120 miles coz she couldn’t start her car

Who the fuck wears highlighter on a Sunday afternoon?

I never cared if she won, you threw it all away

I walked off and turned to French Vermouth

Underestimated, but I’d never be that weak

Damage was done regardless of the truth

You come round for your stuff

And I take the piss

No sympathy for your tears.

But we had it so good…..

So I pull you in for a kiss

I don’t think I care

It doesn’t enter my head

Until I feel tears streaming down your face whilst we’re in bed.

The last night I woke up still in your grip

You’re happy back together until I need you there

Found suddenly broken, in a desperate mess

But it’s too much commitment for you to care

We don’t laugh anymore

And you’re void of compassion

The last 6 months held together purely by passion.

We’ve gone our separate ways

Everyone’s a winner

Fake tan on your bed sheets

And a microwaved meal for your Christmas dinner

Previous: Rose Cheeks

View or make comments. (2 comments)

Read other blog entries by Mia Darlone

Counter: 1149

Do you want to be featured here? Submit your profile.

Comments

Pete Crompton

Sun 9th Nov 2008 20:54

Genius writing.
'liver must be punished' bloody brilliant poem
well done

Zuzanna Musial

Fri 31st Oct 2008 02:43

Dear Mia

Thank you for the comment 'A Genuine Friend'. Your comment is genuinely appreciated.

Have a safe and happy Halloween!!

Take care...Zuzanna

Jennie B

Thu 9th Oct 2008 15:24

Hey lovely, looking forward to seeing you in two weeks! Yay!
Hope all's well xXxx

andy n

Fri 1st Aug 2008 19:47

Kissing is an interview is wonderful! I am sure I have heard you perform that and I liked it then, but on paper I like it even more

Jeff Dawson

Fri 11th Jul 2008 22:40

Hi Mia, i just want to say congratulations on your play, I (and my friends) thought that it was excellent, very funny and true to life, only nobody likes to say cos they're too embarrassed. I'll put a comment on Darren's review which is a thoroughly deserved tribute!

For your first play (not that you would have known) it was quite excellent. I thought you stuck your neck out with this considering the content, it was (I think) a brave thing to do, well done. I think it worked because it was in poetry, and even though it was down right rude (so no problem for me understanding it!) no-one would have been offended, whens the next one!

It was great to meet you and hope to see you again soon, I'll read some of the snippets from the show again now I've had it live, so to speak! Ha, nice to chat to Tracey and Emma too. If you get chance to look at my stuff I would appreciate your opinion, best wishes Jeffarama! XX

David Franks

Thu 26th Jun 2008 09:26

..what else rhymes with "art"?

Steve OConnor

Tue 24th Jun 2008 10:58

Mia

Stun the world. Follow up your, what is sure to be marvellous, play with a play about the virtues of remaining chaste and being pleasant. It could end with a hymn and some morris dancing.

I'd be happy to advise on a pre-production conceptual level.

No? Alright then. Just an idea.

Steve

Darren Whitehead

Mon 23rd Jun 2008 16:00

Hi. Stumbled across you by chance and you have a similar sense of humour to mine .... crude, down to earth and down right dirty.
Like it.

Jennie B

Thu 19th Jun 2008 20:34

Hey! Sorry I missed Freed Up, was feeling a bit overwhelmed by work (of which I've been shirking).
I love your poems, and love the titles too :)

Are you going to reproduce 'Boner' anywhere (no pun intended!)?

JxXxx

Louise Fazackerley

Fri 30th May 2008 19:12

hiya! i really really enjoyed your poems. it's nice to hear something real. and funny.

Tomás Ó Cárthaigh

Thu 22nd May 2008 17:42

You have humour in your writing...

Janet Ramsden

Sun 18th May 2008 20:58

Melon ball starter. Hmm!

Wkd blue as an aperitif.
Followed by 2 large scoops honeydew,
served up with lashings of squirty cream,
full length of a large, ripe, peeled banana.

p.s. i'll take a closer look at "Below the belt."

Janet Ramsden

Sat 17th May 2008 20:27

Hi Mia, I'm new to this site and slowly but surely reading through various profiles. I think your samples are bloody hilarious. p.s. is it allowed to swear on this site?
Thanks for down to earth humour, much needed.
Janet.

Max Seymour

Sat 17th May 2008 20:10

Hello Mia me old china...gawd bless you for your keeness for Max's existence...may indeed squeeze another volume out of the old bugger yet but ten years as Max is taking its toll.. have rediscovered my first love of music again and can't do both in the limited time i have these days....meant to come and have a chat at the Northern but had to dash off to give people lifts (stair ones)....love your stuff...big thanks to your lovely chum who bought a book...hope to meet up at a future slam..let me know if you're gigging in Manchester....www.myspace.com/thehurtfultaunts if you fancy checking the other side of Max...
take care
Max/Johnny

Tai Mahmud

Sat 17th May 2008 10:13

lol! Thanks. I think your style is very different, you shouldn't change it for anything! :)

Tai Mahmud

Sun 4th May 2008 07:28

I like to ride my 'bicycle' :D (Show teeth) Love it. You have a raw talent. Keep doing what you do! :)

Daniel Hall

Fri 2nd May 2008 10:36

Hiya Mia, Okay, their looking at me funny here because I have a stupid grin on my face and it's your fault. The whimsical nature of your poems sounds more like something a lad would be writting about, perhaps even funnier because your not. Give us more!

Darren Thomas

Wed 30th Apr 2008 14:15

Mia Darlone - is this an anagram of your name ? 'A random lie' possibly..?

Darren Thomas

Wed 30th Apr 2008 09:19

Once again you've made a happy man very old. No - that's not right - you know what I mean don't you?
Mia - your poetry is laugh out loud funny. When are we going to hear it performed at Wigan? Well, anywhere for that matter.
More from Mia. Brilliant.

Steve OConnor

Wed 30th Apr 2008 07:17

Hiya Mia

In work - skiving - and decided to read your new poems...

So glad I did. You've really cheered me up... You've made an old man very happy... Erm... Can we agree that I like your poems in a manner that doesn't make me sound like a perv?

Great. Porn.

F(ine) art's sub-title (Done as a posh bird) made me laugh out loud. And The liver is evil and must be punished reads well off the page, though it'd be worthwhile thinking about putting some audio samples of your work up here - you perform it well too. Both of your poems cover an important area of poetry rarely addressed. Namely - getting pissed; being sick; bad sex and farting. Well done! I'd like to see Larkin write stuff like that - given that he's dead.

And just WHAT are you looking up at in that new photo of yours?!

No. Wait. Don't answer that.

Steve

Philip Golding

Fri 11th Apr 2008 01:35

Hi Mia

Here is that email as promised. Let me know how you get on.

Lainey McLean <journeyto2@googlemail.com

Phil

ian leslie

Mon 24th Mar 2008 15:21

Wow, great stuff.

Philip Golding

Tue 18th Mar 2008 15:08

Hiya Mia, thanks for your comment onn my page.

You have a natural talent to both write and perform commedic poetry, a rare gift. Long may it continue.

Drop me your email add so I can send you a couple of my poems, talked about after the last Green Tee gig

Talk soon

Darren Thomas

Thu 10th Jan 2008 08:50

Mia - your poem about 'veg' had me laughing out loud! And that, believe me, is not something that I do often. Very, very, funny.
It was supposed to be funny - wasn't it?
Brilliant.

Steve OConnor

Tue 8th Jan 2008 08:59

Eh Up, Mia.

How reasurring to see that you've taken the filthy poem away and replaced it with a poem about a man's love for his bicycle. My tender and fragile sensibilities thank you. You left me quite breathless.

Oh, Happy New Year - and all that sort of thing.

Dying on your arse. Definitely one to do when you are dying on your arse. It could be a true punk poetry moment. At the end of the poem you could set off a firework or shoot an audience member just for effect...

...Please don't do that at Freed Up.

"Post-performance friendliness is directly proportional to the audience’s reaction to your poem"

True. In fact, one of life's few absolutes.

Cheery-bye!
Steve

Kevin Connolly

Thu 3rd Jan 2008 15:54

I want to see more of your work, Mia! I'm having Mia Darlone withdrawal-symptoms... I need a hit, lol.

Kevin Connolly

Tue 18th Dec 2007 11:22

They approached me in a mild manner, chanting incantations while flaying my hide with a slightly warm, stout oaken branch blessed by the high priest of Nayhead. 27 years later I discovered poetry, it’s uncanny

- Even your bio is funny!
Sorry for repeating your own words back to you, but I'm highly impressed. I've never seen a genuinely funny woman before (French & Saunders and Victoria Wood and that Jenny somebody think they're funny...).

Kevin Connolly

Tue 18th Dec 2007 11:19

Ironically she could probably do with getting undressed
(There’s a likely need for a darn good shag)
I’ve just said the word nob and she’s not impressed
Thank God I didn’t do ‘Cockney Rhyming Slag’
It’s not taken as intended - tongue in cheek
Do they really think I’ve slept with 8 blokes in one week?

Post-performance friendliness is directly proportional to the audience’s reaction to your poem:
They’re very friendly
If you get laughs
But they can’t possibly be seen talking to you
If you die on your ass
So assuming this type of environment exists
Will I return to the stage?
I’d rather slit my wrists!

Who am I kidding…
Next time I’ll wear tighter jeans and do ‘What a bummer’.

- LOL. You're fantastic, Mia. I always go for humour in my performances (especially on stage). It's easy to know if an audience likes you or not, if they laugh. I thought my stuff was funny, but I think I'd pay to see you.

Kevin Connolly

Tue 18th Dec 2007 11:13

Stacks of DVDs are found
Mainly of the Tour de France
And a photo that has Olympic champion Chris Borderman’s face
Superimposed onto the body of a man wearing pants
They also found a bike with a hole in the seat
A dildo was positioned vertically underneath
Attached to the pedals – so it can be controlled by the feet
(At this stage an accompanying police officer’s face lit up – but she resisted taking her urge further – she was a wife and mother).

Mike was charged
He got 3 years probation
He was ordered to rehab
Where they are trying to replace bike-fucking with standard masturbation

- Jesus, Mia, that's feckin' brilliant! Absolutely hilarious - and true! LOL. I love the Queen intro.

David Morgan

Mon 17th Dec 2007 19:39

By all means wear tighter jeans next time, Mia, but I think you just have to write it off to experience, take stock when you've done ten. Good poem though, not a bit unlike Hilary's diatribe against slams, but she bounced back,
keep slamming

Dave

David Morgan

Mon 17th Dec 2007 19:20

Steve OConnor

Tue 11th Dec 2007 21:27

Hello you.

Well, 'Let me be your cello'! That'll be a pleaser then.

I thought it was filthy. Really filthy.

In a good way.

Steve

Darren Thomas

Mon 10th Dec 2007 17:38

Thanks for your comments about 'Craig'.
He was fed Viaga in the Far East and smuggled into the UK inside a consignment of walking sticks.
His name is of course a pseudonym. Or should that be, a psssssssssseudonym?
His sister Sharon doesn't appear to drink either. Temperance snakes - whatever next.
I like what is inside your head.

Pete Crompton

Mon 10th Dec 2007 01:42

Very entertaining poetry. Refreshing. Racy. Pacy.
let's go go go for more.

David Morgan

Fri 7th Dec 2007 17:01

Cellos and bikes
Bikes and Cellos
When it comes down to it
We're all fiddlers

Love the imagery
it does it for me Mia

Dave

Malcolm Saunders

Fri 7th Dec 2007 10:18

Great. I love the poetry. Let's have some more.

Andy Sewina aka Danny Wise